Every spring, drag queen enthusiasts huddle around television and laptop screens on Monday nights for RuPaul’s Drag Race, a reality show that, over the course of seven seasons, has morphed into a kind of SuperBowl/World Series/Olympics/Stanley Cup?/I’m running out of sports metaphors. Point being, the stakes are high and fans of the show take the competition very seriously.

So today’s announcement of a second season of All Stars is major, to say the least. The premiere won’t arrive until 2016, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a wish list of the queens we hope to watch compete for the crown a second time. Take note, RuPaul!

Willam

#BringBackWillam lit up Twitter yesterday, after Willam mentioned that he hadn’t been approached to be a part of the show. And there’s a good reason for the rally cry hashtag. Willam is arguably the most successful drag queen to come out of the show. She has a string of parody singles, a campaign with American Apparel, and a hilarious web series. Bringing her back is a no-brainer, especially considering her sudden disqualification (the rumor is she broke the rules by receiving conjugal visits from her man). She was robbed of a top 3 spot and it’s time to make it right!

Alaska

A lot of fans initially underestimated Alaska because, on the surface, she seemed like a bootleg version of her then boyfriend Sharon Needles, who won the previous season. But Alaska quickly made a name for herself as the unconventional comedy queen to beat and coined an infectious catchphrase in the process (Hiiiiiiiiieeeeeee!). More ear-piercing greetings please!

Adore Delano

It isn’t a party until Adore shows up. The former American Idol contestant wasn’t considered strong competition in the beginning of her season because she had a “hog body” and was less polished than some of the pageant girls, but she proved everyone wrong with a second place finish. Since Drag Race, she has become the highest charting drag queen on the Billboard charts (even besting mama Ru!). Her single “I Adore U” is easily better than most pop songs you will hear on the radio. That’s just one reason this queen deserves an encore!

Alyssa Edwards

This queen was such a breakout star that there were rumors she was getting her own show, a Dance Moms spin on her Texas dance studio. That sadly never came to pass, but Alyssa is still on our minds. This season’s winner Violet Chatchki impersonated her for Snatch Game, an honor usually only bestowed on celebrities like Anna Nicole Smith. And we impersonate her every time we tongue pop to make a point. Bring back the back rolls! (I’m sorry in advance for sucking you into the gif above and making you late to whatever you’re doing next).

Katya

Last season was rough. Many at the finale party I attended weren’t really rooting for anyone or, worse, didn’t care. Some of that is due to the elimination of Katya, the fake Russian full of one-liners and splits. At the reunion, the love for Katya was clear; she was crowned Miss Congeniality and RuPaul even pretended to crown her the overall winner, despite her not actually being in the top 3. Let’s do that for real this time.

Latrice

Yeah, I know she already had her chance on the first season of All Stars, but we can all agree she was robbed by that wack team set-up. We demand justice! And more Latrice gifs to use in our texts!

Laganja Estranja

I can’t believe I’m writing this. Laganja was the embodiment of cringe-worthy on her season, doing the most to make an impression and failing miserably. But with time (and a water-shooting-out-of-your-nose funny roast by Alaska), her antics and awkward verbal tics (Okuuuuurrrr???) have become iconic. We all laughed at her back then, but maybe this time she can be in on the joke and laugh with us. Pitting her against her former friend Adore and her drag mother Alyssa Edwards will surely provide some fireworks too.

Tatiana

You newly indoctrinated Drag Race fans might not remember Tatiana, a young queen from season 2, which aired five whole years ago, but you should brush up on your herstory because Tati was a force to be reckoned with. When eventual winner Tyra Sanchez (why, Ru, why?!) was singing Beyonce songs in the most obnoxious way possible, Tati was the one who called her out. She also held her own against Raven, who basically bullied her the entire season. And who can forget the politeness contest between Tati and Ru exchanging Thank yous back and forth until the end of time? All Stars 2 is the perfect excuse to check in and see how her drag has evolved.

Max

The fake posh accent. The grey hair. The top-tier fashion looks. Max definitely brought a fresh take on drag before being booted pretty early on and being forgotten in the wake of #JusticeforTrixie. If her super weird topless swan song isn’t enough to garner a spot on All Stars 2, I don’t know what is.

Phi Phi

Someone has to go home first.

Last month, I wrote “This is what the Full House cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong” about the atrocity that is the first official cast photo from Lifetime’s Full House movie. They couldn’t find someone better than an ex of Miley Cyrus to pay homage to most ’90s girls and gay boys’ first crush Uncle Jesse. Same goes for the actor cast as Danny Tanner, whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in Pirates of the Caribbean…the video game. And the geometric shapes, funky musical notes and yarn people adornments from the Tanner girls’ outfits were swapped out for boring floral patterns. It can’t get any worse, I thought.

But it just did with this clip from the movie. Let’s watch, shall we?

Okay, wait. Why are they in the living room from Everybody Loves Raymond? It’s like these producers have never even seen an episode of the show. Anyway, I digress…

The gang tries to stop Uncle Joey from dumping Michelle outside. Dark. Then, Uncle Jesse talks smack about the stupid babies he has to work with and tries to get them fired. And then Danny Tanner talks about wanting to install a pole and invite some strippers over in front of a young bemused Stephanie. Yikes.

As if this clip wasn’t enough, Lifetime released more photos from the set. Because I’m a masochist, I’m going to go through and analyze them:

Those creepy twins from The Shining haven’t aged a day!

Was the budget on this project so low that they couldn’t afford to hire a real dog to play Comet? Dear goddess, I hope so. If this movie is going to be this terrible, it might as well camp it up.

Looking over the Miley breakup texts. Stephanie is on her side.

The only thing San Franciscan about this living room is the subtle copy of San Francisco magazine on the table. Nice work, set designers! Do Uncle Jesse and Michelle know there’s a creepy lady intruder hiding next to the couch? Maybe Comet, who’s kicking it in the background, would protect them, if he wasn’t a stuffed animal.

This child actress is meeting with her lawyers. She plans to sue her parents for signing her up for this trainwreck of a TV movie.

Kimmy Gibbler is KILLING IT in the background, as she always does. And eternal HA HA HAs are in order for those insane wigs they put on Nicky and Alex. Oh no, I’m starting to get excited for this mess.

Are the producers idiots or evil geniuses? We’ll find out on August 22, when The Unauthorized Full House Story premieres on Lifetime.

By Ira Brooker

“Eh, it keeps ‘em quiet for a couple of hours.”

Just about any time kids’ shows come up in conversation, you’re sure to hear some variation of that phrase. For certain parents, that seems to be an acceptable, possibly even preferable, standard for children’s entertainment. I’m not going to tell anybody how to raise their kids, but I will say, if that’s the way you’re looking at it, you’re missing out on some good stuff.

One of the big delights of parenthood is introducing your kid to cool artifacts of your own childhood, be that digging out your old toy collection, reading a beloved bedtime story or sitting down with a favorite TV show. It’s a big part of the reason there are so many Star Wars and superhero properties pitched directly at toddlers, and why new incarnations of My Little Pony and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are on the air. Entertainment marketers know full well that we can’t wait to pass our pet obsessions onto the next generation, and they’re eager to make that as easy as possible for us. (They also know it’s usually more profitable to revamp an existing property than to invest in something brand new, but that’s a topic for another time.)

Here’s the thing, though: a lot of that stuff we loved as kids? It’s pretty bad. A lot of the new stuff being made for the kids of today? It’s much, much better. And they really haven’t changed the formula all that much, just improved on it.

Even as a kid I was reasonably aware that many of my favorite shows were essentially extended commercials for cheap plastic toys. From GI Joe to Transformers to Popples, the ‘80s and ‘90s had a grand tradition of cartoons that introduced new characters and accessories with attendant toy tie-ins on a near-weekly basis. That aspect hasn’t changed a whole lot, but the way shows go about it has.

Consider a show like Ninjago, a series in which the characters, buildings and vehicles are all made of Lego. Consumer tie-ins don’t come much more blatant than that, and yet Ninjago does a lot more with its tools than you might expect. The show tells a fast-paced, consistently entertaining story of a modern-day ninja team battling evil and discovering themselves. The plotting is serialized and fairly complex, but not so much that it goes over the heads of the target audience.

It’s storytelling that would work in nearly any medium. In this case, the medium happens to be computer-animated Lego. If that means they wind up selling a few thousand more building sets (they’ve certainly placed a few in my home), kudos to the marketing team. That doesn’t change the fact that the creative team has crafted a compelling narrative that’ll stick with the kids long after the toys are shunted to the closet.

I’m not calling Ninjago a masterpiece—it’s still a goofy action comedy about Lego ninjas—but it’s a heck of a lot better than the days when He-Man would battle a test-marketed villain for 15 minutes and move on to something unrelated and equally sellable in the next episode.

That’s the overarching theme I’ve discovered with many of today’s kids’ shows: they’re better than they have to be. Sure, there have always been kids’ shows that go the extra mile—it’s no coincidence that the best episodes of The Real Ghostbusters and Ducktales have stuck in my memory far longer than, say, Police Academy: The Series or The Super Mario Bros Super Show. But the bulk of 1980s cartoon programming seemed to be the work of jaded writers who assumed kids were dumb and would watch whatever was put in front of them.

And heck, to some extent they were right (I know I willingly sat through more than one episode of Turbo Teen as a youngster). But that was also a time of limited availability. Your options for kids’ programming were mostly confined to the big three networks’ Saturday morning fare and whatever got slapped in the 3pm to 5pm slot after school. Creators had the luxury of being lazy because what else were the kids gonna do, go outside and play?

As choices ballooned in the era of broader cable and internet access, the stakes got higher. At the same time, YouTube opened up rabbit holes of nostalgia viewing that allowed former ‘80s kids to relive their childhood TV favorites and come to the sobering realization that they mostly sucked. By the time my generation started reproducing, entertainment companies had some compelling reasons to invest in a certain standard of quality.

It’s paid off, too. I’d argue that we’re in a golden age of kids’ cartoons. In the past, a spin-off of a popular movie series like, for instance, Dreamworks’ Dragons would have plunked a few familiar characters into a series of interchangeable adventures with new, toy-friendly dragon designs and accessories every week. Instead, Dragons is full of ambition and world-building, with considerable character development independent of its source material.

Reboots like the aforementioned TMNT and My Little Pony have earned respect (and, in the latter case, an infamously devoted adult following) by pushing beyond the test-marketed pablum of their forebears with sharpened writing and inventive design. And that’s not even getting into the realm of wonderfully weird original programming like Adventure Time, Steven Universe and The Amazing World of Gumball, shows that consistently break ground and are as beloved by teens and grown-ups as they are by kids.

The coolest part of this kids’ show renaissance for me has been the debunking of the “Kids will watch anything” philosophy. I’ve watched some pretty crummy shows with my five-year-old, but seldom more than once. With so many options out there, he’s learned to discern quality. When a show we’re watching turns out to be a dud, he either asks to turn it off or doesn’t request another episode, because he knows there are better alternatives out there. While I absolutely get the appeal of keeping ‘em quiet for a couple of hours, I’m much more excited by the prospect of teaching ‘em how to have some taste. And I’m happy to say it’s never been easier to do that.

Wet Hot American Summer, the 2001 David Wain-directed camp flick, is the ultimate cult classic. A commercial and critical flop upon its release, it didn’t take long for obsessive fans — those of us who immediately felt that the deeply absurdist, gleefully nonsensical universe in which Camp Firewood is situated was home — to turn the film into the stuff of legends.

Yet while WHAS might be this gang’s best-known work, die-hard fans of Wain, Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, et al. know the movie is just one small part of their ouevre. Originally formed as a comedy collective at NYU in the late ’80s, MTV’s The State is still probably the weirdest (in a good way) thing to ever air on the station. In the decades that followed, Stella, Wainy Days, Reno 911!, the podcast Michael & Michael Have Issues, and a slew of Wain’s more commercially successful fare (Role Models, They Came Together) have all kept the crew tight.

Accordingly, First Day of Camp is packed with references that reward not only hardcore fans of the movie, but devotees of Wain’s universe at large. Here are the best callbacks and inside jokes for those of us who have been paying very close attention.

Jim Stansel

Michael Cera’s boy-wonder lawyer character in First Day of Camp is named Jim Stansel. Not only is this a callback to the first movie (see above), David Wain has named a character Jim Stansel in nearly all of his movies (see below). Asked about it during a Reddit AMA a few years ago, Wain had this to say:

Jim Stansel was the name of a guy who used to work with my dad when I was like 10 years old. We have a super-8 movie of him up in a hot air balloon for a radio station promotion in Dallas, and my dad’s going “That’s Jim Stansel! That’s Jim Stansel!” and the name has always stuck in my head. I just love the name!

The Gang’s All Here

Once you belong to Wain’s World, you’re in for life. He’s always bringing comedian friends along for the ride (like eternally underrated The State and Reno 911! alum Kerri Kenney-Silver as the real estate agent in “Auditions”).  But for First Day of Camp, the writer/director was so committed to bringing back as many actors as possible from the original movie that the Netflix series is stuffed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em cameos. Remember the “indoor kids” — misfits and baby goths — that worked with David Hyde Pierce’s astrophysicist character in the original film? Check out the punks that give Jon Hamm’s secret agent a hard time in the liquor store.

IT’S LOUIE, EVERYBODY

If you’re not a State fan, this might sound like the dumbest thing — okay, scratch that, it is the dumbest thing. It’s also the best thing. The aforementioned sketch comedy show had a character named Louie, played by Ken Marino, whose catchphrase was “I wanna dip my balls in it!” He said this all the time. It was stupid. The point of the sketch was that it was stupid.

You know what is not stupid? The sheer amount of joy we felt upon hearing Ken Marino yell this catchphrase, briefly, while unseen, in a scene that otherwise has nothing to do with him, in Episode 7, “Staff Party.” We can’t embed it here for various legal reasons but if you care — you know exactly how much you care — it’s about four and a half minutes in. Listen for this:

Bonus treat: Listen to Marino talk about how his kids have picked up on his inappropriate catchphrase here.

Well? What are we missing, superfans? If we have to watch it again, well, so be it. WHAS is like an onion, you see: You just keep peeling back layers to see what’s inside. And it stings your cheeks and it makes you cry, but it tastes so good on a sandwich.

It’s almost impossible to enter the blogosphere these days without encountering the latest about how universities continue to mishandle rape cases. There are countless articles and entire books dedicated to parsing what’s gone wrong on college campuses across the nation, and how to better handle things going forward.

For instance, this past April saw the release of Jon Krakauer’s Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town, a book that details the inadequate handling of sexual assault cases committed against female college students in Missoula, Montana over the course of two years. We’ve spent the past academic year watching Columbia student Emma Sulkowicz, who many consider to be the face of the college anti-rape movement, drag her mattress all across campus in protest of Columbia’s failure to expel her alleged rapist. In fact, in a recent LA Times article, columnist Meghan Daum referred to the past school year as the “Year We Decided Women Aren’t Safe on College Campuses.”

With the term “rape culture” so heavy in today’s zeitgeist, it’s hard not to feel like we’re getting it wrong all the time. But I recently came across an example of a TV show that got it right…17 years ago.

Having missed it the first time around, I began watching the late ’90s/early 2000s WB hit Felicity. When a rape scandal began to unfold early on in the first season, I braced myself for what I knew—or what I thought I knew—was about to get very ugly. So when the show handled the plotline well, I was pleasantly surprised—shocked even.

Things start out promising for Julie (Felicity’s BFF) and Zach (played by Devon Gummersall, who will always be Brian Krakow to me). They meet in the laundry room amidst Zach realizing he’s dyed all his clothes pink, as he hasn’t yet learned to separate colors from whites. Soon they’re dining in the cafeteria together, and going to see Solaris at the Mercer. She watches his short film, which he later asks her to record music for.

There are some signs that he’s a little weird, though. He reacts poorly when she critiques his film—even though he asks her to!—but eventually realizes his mistake and addresses it (he doesn’t actually ever apologize, though, which I almost missed). He’s a tad dramatic when she’s apprehensive about their first kiss and he responds by asking for a noose. And he gets a little momentarily aggressive in a subsequent make out sesh. But he’s also awesome. It turns out the reason Julie gets “really freaked out” when Zach kisses her is because, she tells him later, “You treat me like an actual person,” which is something she’s obviously not used to from a suitor. Felicity even tells Julie that she’s jealous of her and Zach’s “whole situation.”

When, just a few scenes later, we watch Julie and Zach giggle their way back to her dorm room after recording music and going out—Zach has a token beer in his hand, of course!—we don’t know what’s in store. They kiss into her room, and he shuts the door behind them, ending the scene.

Next, we see Julie in her room folding laundry and looking despondent; she eventually tells Felicity, and then a doctor at the hospital, what happened that night with Zach. This includes that their hooking up started out as consensual and switched in the middle. Though Julie’s unsure if what happened was rape as she didn’t “scream” or “hit him,” and “he wasn’t violent,” her doctor confirms that indeed it was.

What’s so incredible about the story line is that there’s a lot of nuance and ambiguity in these relationships and interactions. Julie and Zach liked and even respected each other; they had a good thing going; they made out for half an hour before she said she didn’t want to have sex—but it was still rape! Because that’s the thing—rape, and especially non-stranger rape (the most common kind)—is rarely black and white; and you don’t have to be an entirely bad guy to commit it. Admittedly, this is a somewhat difficult concept to follow, let alone get right on a television show, but the fact that Felicity goes for it and nails it, and all the way back in 1998, no less, is nothing short of revolutionary.

And it’s not just the nuances of the relationship that Felicity pegs; it’s the logistics too. Felicity and Noel (her RA and sometimes love interest) seek out a school counselor to find out what Julie’s options are, and the counselor very thoroughly spells out all the avenues she can take. Buoyed along by her friends’ encouragement, Julie eventually meets with the school counselor herself, and it’s implied that it’s in this meeting that Julie reports Zach, as the next time we see him he’s being pulled out of class.

While it takes Zach a while to grasp the magnitude of everything—he goes from clueless to defensive, at first—he eventually does, and the last conversation he and Julie have is surprisingly endearing. Julie, anxious that Zach doesn’t know what he’s in for, goes to tell him she’s fighting this, only to find him packing to leave school.

As they talk, he isn’t defensive; he admits that what happened was in fact rape even though he “didn’t attack [her]; [he] didn’t rip [her] clothes off,” mirroring back Julie’s fears from earlier in the episode. He hands her a note he was going to leave her. “It says all the obvious stuff—how sorry I am, how horrible that night must have been for you, how I wish things would have happened very differently.” He tells her it wasn’t her fault; he actually apologizes this time, using the words “I’m sorry” and everything. Julie says she’s sorry too; because she is. Not because she did anything wrong, but because she wishes it had gone down differently too. 

In the end, Julie didn’t have to wait for a school court to decide her fate like Emma Sulkowicz and so many others, and she never had to testify. Whatever the dean of the university said to Zach in their meeting must have been pretty hardcore because he admitted to the dean—and then to his parents—that he was guilty.

Back in real time, as we struggle to figure out how to handle sexual assault complaints, and how to change the dating environments on our campuses, it appears Felicity, though a seemingly unlikely candidate, may have the answers we’ve been searching for all along.

In case you were in deep denial about Downton Abbey coming to an end after its upcoming sixth and final season, the press photo above should bring it home for you. The sun is literally setting on Downton! And this isn’t the only sneak peek into what’s in store. Carnival Film & Television Ltd also released a handful of other new photos. Let’s overanalyze them!

But before we move on from the cast photo, can we pour one out for the people not pictured? Branson and baby Sybbie are in America. So is Rose and her new Jewish husband, presumably. And, as always, R.I.P. Sybil and Isis, the dog (*cue Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”*).

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the greatest of them all? You, duh, the mirror likely replies. The Dowager is this show. Everyone else is just decoration. She’s obviously practicing her angles here or thinking about that flirty Russian or maybe this is the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter (you know, the one that shows one’s truest desires). She sees herself because what more could she want than to continue being her bad ass self?

Edith smiles through the pain for another year, while secretly plotting to torch the Abbey with everyone in it. Mary also is secretly plotting to do the same thing. Meanwhile, Cora smiles, thinking about getting a divorce and going to find that artsy London dude.

Ladies Night 1927! This friendship is a precursor to Lil Kim’s opus “Ladies Night.” Women supporting each other and talking about their dreams instead of men.

Lord Grantham’s storyline this year will be what it always is: Waaaahhh, having a trust fund is hard, I feel oppressed and grumpy! Next!

Look at this I-don’t-need-a-man-or-his-bratty-sons-to-be-happy empowerment! Every time Beyonce sings “All the women who independent, throw your hands up at me,” she’s thinking of Isobel.

Lock this saccharine duo up please. Or have them move away to a cute cottage. I don’t care, just get them away from me. Sorry, Anna, you are who you hang out with.

Now here’s a couple I can get behind! They’re finally dating! What can we expect? Cute scented love notes, excessive hand holding and long ambles through the countryside, to be sure. But maybe also a hot tub scene? Just putting it out into the universe. I have a dream.

Maybe they are using their experience at Downton to play footmen in a Hollywood movie. They’re famous and rich and live in LA now! No more toiling! Thomas can find other gays to hang out with! And Molesley can find non-shoe-polish hair dye! Everyone wins. The end.

If you were born in the late ’70s or early ’80s, chances are you were a big fan of My So-Called Life, the short-lived teen drama that introduced us to Jared Leto and made us want to dye our hair red and mumble something inappropriate about Anne Frank’s diary in English class.

Since the show wrapped, Claire Danes is killing it on Homeland and, against all odds, Jared Leto is an Oscar winner, but what ever happened to A.J. Langer, the actress who played everyone’s favorite bad influence, Rayanne Graff?

According to The Telegraph, Langer is basically living in a modern-day episode of Downton Abbey. Thanks to sexist inheritance laws, she’s now a Countess in England and lives in a 14th century castle that has money problems. That’s a long way from one of Tino’s house parties! How did she manage it? I’ll tell you.

You see, she met this rugby dude in Vegas who happened to be Charles Courtenay, the son of the Earl of Devon. They eventually got married and had kids. Meanwhile, back on the 4,000 acre family estate called Powederham Castle, said Earl was having money troubles, struggling to upkeep the property. One source of income was hosting civil ceremonies, which brought in £200k a year. But that dried up after his license was revoked for denying a gay couple because their marriage was “objectionable to his Christian religion.” He then had to resort to selling heirlooms to make ends meet. And then he died.

The Earl’s estate and title now belong to his only son. His three daughters, all older than their brother, get bupkis because ovaries. And now the artist formerly known as Rayanne gets to be called the Countess of Devon and her two young children are a Lord and a Lady. And everyone lives happily ever after…except for the new Earl’s sisters.

Sorry to bum you out with this tale of patriarchy. Here’s some funny fan fic about where we imagine the My So-Called Life characters are now to lighten the mood:

The trailer for the very last season of Downton Abbey has landed! This is an historic moment and the end of an era so what better way to experience it than with a live blog of this single minute preview?

0:01: Only took one second to get to the mournful piano keys. Gird yourselves!

0:03: Carson is packing a suitcase! Where will he go? Probably Hollywood, where he will pitch the idea for a sitcom about the travails of an out-of-place British butler who must change with the times. The show will be titled Mr. Belvedere and run for six seasons.

0:07: Lord Grantham condescendingly lectures Carson about how you can’t resist time or progress, despite the fact that he tried to do just that every moment of the previous five seasons.

0:10: The producers obviously told this musician to get as close to that sad, one-eyed dog Sarah McLachlan song as possible. We want all the feels! they probably yelled.  They could have saved time and just used this Green Day song:

0:14: Thomas walks through an empty room. If the Crawleys aren’t already bankrupt, they will be after what’s sure to be a massive U-Haul bill. All those famous paintings and their gilded frames, the ornate rugs, the canopy beds! Not to mention that huge gramophone that really pissed off the Dowager that one time!

0:15: Lady Mary and Daisy turn and are really surprised…like Beyonce-just-dropped-a-whole-album-with-music-videos-on-a-quiet-Friday-night surprised. Maybe Sybil walked in wearing whatever 1927’s version of harem pants is and everything that “happened” after her “death” was a preeclampsia fever dream? Make it right, Julian Fellowes, make it right!

0:17: Thomas opens a door and seems really over it all. All that meddling and scheming and lurking and he’s still stuck in a job he hates without a make out buddy.

0:19: The father of Daisy’s late sort-of husband hugs her while looking at the stone house that will now be hers. Dear kids, stay in school…and be too polite to say “yeah, no” when a dying guy who’ve gone on zero dates with asks you to marry him. You’ll get a cute rent-controlled place out of it!

0:20: Lady Edith is wearing gems on her forehead! I also spy a lemon twist in an half-empty cocktail glass. So I’m going to assume the writers have had their fill of making her utterly miserable and are going to let her drink gin and flirt and stop sobbing in corners. Yeah, probably not.

0:22: Anna smiles because her Debbie Downer husband isn’t around. We smile too.

0:23: Mrs. Patmore dances in the kitchen with a cop because she deserves a break.

0:24: Mrs. Hughes smiles because Anna’s Debbie Downer husband isn’t around. We smile again.

0:25: Carson weirdly pets a bedspread.

0:29: Anna attempts to have a heart-to-heart with Mary. Mary cannot oblige because she is a sociopath.

0:32: There’s a net connected to Mary’s bowler hat. It’s raining. Mary gets wet, while walking with a purpose. She knows what she must do: she must kill her annoying sister.

0:33: Why did it take 33 seconds to get a shot of Maggie Smith? If they want us to watch, the first 33 seconds should have just been the Dowager eating soup really primly or rolling her eyes at loud birds or something. Know your audience!

0:35: Carson kisses Mrs. Hughes…on the forehead. At this rate, one of them will die before they get around to having sex.

0:37: Daisy is still super stoked about the house she got out of pretending to be in love with a dead person.

0:38: Anna’s Debbie Downer husband is back. Her smile is replaced with sobbing.

0:40: Someone drives recklessly. Haven’t we learned anything from Matthew’s sudden demise?

0:41: Thomas walks in on the new guy doing something weird and maybe sexual. Oo la la!

0:42: The servants are at church ceremony. Thomas and new guy get married?! Nope, gotta wait approximately 100 years for that one. It’s probably Mrs. Hughes and Carson. You should have dated a little before you committed to a lifetime of forehead kisses, Mrs. Hughes!

0:44: Mary feels an emotion! Or maybe she’s just mocking Edith again.

0:45: The babies run adorably. Sybbie is in America though so we don’t care that much.

0:46: I knew the forehead jewels and cocktails wouldn’t last. Edith is distraught again.

0:47: Daisy finds out some really good gossip.

0:49: The Dowager makes a cute face.

0:52: The Crawleys get out of their cars and look up at what’s probably their new digs. Smaller circular driveway off of a major road (can you imagine?!) and probably a smaller moat too. Hard times.

0:56: A British lady reminds us that people in the UK will be able to watch the new season starting in September, while all of us Yanks have to wait ’til 2016. All these years later and this arrangement still makes zero sense. And this is the final time we get to complain about it so make it good!

This is the lead photo the magazine chose to run for its feature on the current crop of late-night TV hosts, under the headline “Why Late-Night Television Is Better Than Ever.”

A lot of the people pictured are indeed very funny and talented, which is ostensibly why they are paid many millions of dollars to appear on television every night, a job that in turn amplifies their voices and casts their opinions and faces and politics as representative of Americans everywhere. We just can’t put our finger on what seems so jarring about this photo!

Anyone have any ideas?

Samantha Bee’s late-night show, Full Frontal, premieres on TBS in January.

Nostalgia is a powerful drug, as we’ve previously discussed in this space — and, as any child of the ‘90s who has been compelled by some unseen force to click on literally any Buzzfeed-like list of “things only children of the ‘90s understand” can attest to, it’s a powerful selling tool as well. It doesn’t matter if your remake of a beloved movie is absolutely terrible: People are gonna go see it.

You know what’s easier than rebooting a popular franchise or building a whole new one around a perennially popular throwback brand? Just plain giving the people what they want: Reruns of classic Nickelodeon shows from the ‘90s. Around the clock. On a multi-platform channel/alternative universe in which 9/11 hasn’t happened yet, no one has cell phones, and those precious hours between the end of the school day and dinnertime stretch before you like so many lazy, possibility-filled fields of responsibility-free gold.

Yes, it’s The Splat, a new programming block from Nickelodeon that consists of all your favorite throwback shows: All That, The Angry Beavers, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, CatDog, Clarissa Explains It All, Hey Arnold!, Hey Dude, Kenan & Kel, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Rocko’s Modern Life, Rugrats, Salute Your Shorts, and The Wild Thornberrys.

Said nostalgia-fest will take over TeenNick from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. every night starting Oct. 5, and will also be online at TheSplat.com, which is good, because not a single ‘90s kid we know actually has a regular TV. There will also be an “emoji keyboard,” so get ready for text-images of Melissa Joan Hart in wacky outfits, I guess?

Our personal favorite, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, isn’t part of the lineup for now — but a Nickelodeon rep told the A.V. Club that could change. Until then: We’re just going to tamp down all of our unease about being blatantly pandered to as #millennials, the constant monetizing of our wistfulness and the sense of loss that comes with growing up, and not ruminate on what it says about this cultural moment that we currently have access to more incredibly sophisticated TV programming and unlimited entertainment options than ever and all anybody really wants is a whole damn channel that plays Ren & Stimpy reruns around the clock.

To these feelings we say: Sssshhh. I’ll start my homework after Legends of the Hidden Temple is over.

For the past 12 years, I’ve had a love/hate/love again relationship with America’s Next Top Model. It was pure head-over-ten-inch-heels love in the beginning. I learned how to not look super ugly in photographs. I worked on my signature walk. I mastered the art of smizing. But then Tyra and the judges started making decisions that made no sense (never bring up Saleisha’s win to me because I will probably throw something or cry or both). I took to calling Ms. Banks Tyrant. For mental health reasons, I had to quit the show for some time.

I eventually made peace with the fact that ANTM isn’t really about who’s the best at modeling. With a few exceptions (Analeigh and YaYa, I see you), most contestants don’t really go on to do much. Once I stopped taking the competition so seriously and embraced it for what it is — a fun, cheesy visual morsel of escapism—I was back in love.

So I was pretty devastated when I found out (in a sad post office of all places!) that the current season would be the show’s last. After spending the last day or so smizing into the sky and yelling WHY?!?, I am finally ready to move to the next stage of grief: thankful acceptance.

Here are 14 ANTM moments from the last 22 seasons that will live in my heart forever and ever:

Denzel’s weave beard. Yep, you read that corrently. Tyra gave this dude a weave…on his face! Later on in the season, he turned out to be pretty homophobic so he had it coming!

Jade, the self-professed “biracial butterfly” / “undiscovered supermodel,” was the love-to-hate villain of her season. She was constantly feeling herself and nobody else. Her delusion and unshakable confidence were troubling and inspiring at the same time. I will always be thankful to Tyra for bringing her into my life.

There are two ways to announce an acting challenge. A. Just say “Hey, your next challenge is acting!” B. Pretend to collapse and freak everyone out. Which option do you think Tyra went for?

Actually, basically any time Tyra acted was pretty great, like when she pretended to be a deranged diva (Naomi shade, anyone?).

When Russian Natasha brought her tantrum-throwing American competitor down to Earth by reminding her that some people have war in their countries.

The models travel to an exotic location every season. During All Stars, they flew to Greece, where the contestants were forced to lie under the hot burning sun in a huge salad bowl of tomatoes, cucumbers and huge blocks of feta cheese, while dousing themselves in olive oil. Only a mad genius could come up with such a bizarre/brilliant concept. Bless you, Tyra and/or random under-appreciated ANTM producer.

If hangry was personified into a minute and a half YouTube clip, it would be this one.

ANTM tried to spice up their template a few times. Short girls! College girls! British girls! One of the contestants from the latter category couldn’t stand the heat and stormed out of that kitchen in an expletive blaze of glory and waltzed right into Top Model herstory.

I don’t like this moment one bit, but it’s one I’ll never forget. A contestant is taking the judges’ feedback in and then faints backward really hard, spooking even Tyra.

Sobbing when anyone mentions your mom who’s completely fine and just chilling at home is normal, right? For Victoria, it is.

I still have PTSD from watching Shandi have to tell her boyfriend that she cheated on him with some hot Italian dude.

Tyra forced the models to write original songs and work in the term “Potledom” (Top Model smelled backwards). Despite that tall order, Allison produced a legit bop.

When Lisa peed in a diaper for no good reason.

And obviously the single most important moment in ANTM history—and maybe U.S. history in general—is when Tyra snapped and let Tiffany have it, launching more gifs than the Internet even knows what to do with.

Thanks for the memories, Tyra. We will miss you and ANTM always.

The day Gilmore Girls fans have waited for is here at last! Netflix is bringing the beloved series back for a limited run. I repeat, NETFLIX IS BRINGING GILMORE GIRLS BACK!!!

Word on the street is that it’ll be in the form of four 90 minute mini-movies.  And show-runner Amy Sherman-Palladino will return to pen the proper ending (due to contract drama, she did not work on the show’s final (wack) season). This means that fans will finally get to hear the fabled last four words, which Sherman-Palladino knew would end the show from before it even made it on air.

Someone pinch me! Or, better yet, get me a paper bag to breathe into.

If you don’t know what to do with all the Gilmore Girls love coursing through your veins right now, consider binge watching the best episodes of the show:

Gilmore Girls On Netflix: 10 Best Episodes to Binge Watch

Or read all about how I travelled almost 2,000 miles to see the cast reunite at this year’s ATX Festival:

Gilmore Girls: Everything You Missed at the ATX Festival Reunion

And, if you’re one of the writers on this new mini-season, you can find my notes on what should and shouldn’t happen here:

Gilmore Girls: What the Rumored New Season or Movie Should & Shouldn’t Do

And this post would not be complete without this gif:

Hey, kids! Have you heard about the tech industry? Did you know that it has made a lot of people a whole bunch of money over the past decade? Did you know that many of those people are very young — some of them still in their teens?

This is, ostensibly, the entire premise for a TV show currently in the works called In the Wild, which promises to chronicle “the almost-adult lives of the industry’s newest recruits as they learn how to live on their own for the first time while navigating the high stakes VC tech world,” according to Deadline.

The series is brought to you by showrunner Matthew Reeves — a co-creator, alongside J.J. Abrams, of the late, great love-triangle-and-drastic-haircut vehicle known as Felicity — and will be based in part on a story that California Sunday magazine published this past June, titled The Real Teens of Silicon Valley. 

Now, that story was well-written, a sharp-eyed look at some of the youngest players in tech — many of them high-school dropouts — and the bubble-ensconced, frat-like San Francisco they inhabit. Tech writer Nellie Bowles documented these kids’ more noxious behaviors as well as their potential for being taken advantage of and their lack of self-awareness, in many instances, with empathy and understanding. She deftly identified that “There is something odd about this fetishization of teen talent and how far venture capitalists will go to get it, as well as how skeptical they can be of anyone over 25, given the fact that most billion-dollar startups today — Uber, WhatsApp, Slack — were founded by seasoned adults.”

It’s a good story, but somehow, I’m not seeing that nuance translating so easily into a TV show. For one, doesn’t the fact that the entertainment industry even has the demand for yet another show about tech workers smack of fetishization?  Amazon’s Betas lasted a whopping 11 episodes before getting canned, while the jury’s still out on whether or not 94110 is high-concept trolling or an actual show. Meanwhile, Silicon Valley is a success mainly, arguably, because Mike Judge is a genius of a talent, and has crafted a universe that reads to tech outsiders like mockery and to insiders like, well, in-jokes.

More to the point: Is anyone else just a little bit perplexed by what seems like this mass assumption that we all find the lives of startup workers inherently fascinating? They’re making money, yes, which is one ingredient for good drama. And this show, in particular, is focusing on the youth element — always nice for ratings. But beyond that, truly, what gives? It’s a profession that literally involves staring at a screen all day.

If you have an insatiable need for shows about tech bros, and would like to explain it to me, I’m all ears. Until then: Here’s hoping Reeves finds the tech equivalent of a Ben/Noel dichotomy to play with. I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

This week, you will be force-fed lists of horror movies to watch, Halloween classics to revisit, and the ever-unfunny “Treehouse of Horror” episodes from The Simpsons.

Ignore these lists. The Paul Lynde Halloween Special is the only thing worth watching this week.

Shot in 1976 and aired exactly once, the hour-long special is a crash course in camp, featuring Paul Lynde, Donny & Marie Osmond and Betty White. Margaret Hamilton reprises her role as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Florence Henderson sings a disco version of “That Old Black Magic.” KISS plays three songs. Paul Lynde is fabulous. The entire thing is bonkers.

Without further ado:

Yes, kids, TV really was once this bizarre.

Have you been missing Jon Stewart recently? Yeah, me too. Have you spent many days staring out your window looking up at the sky wondering where he is, while singing “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail? Oh, just me? Whatever; we all cope with loss in our individual ways.

No matter how you express your I-miss-Jon grief, you’ll be happy to hear this breaking news: Stewart just signed a four-year deal with HBO! He won’t be embarking on a new Daily Show-esque project just yet, but he will get things started by producing short videos that “view current events through his unique prism” for HBO Go and HBO Now (better make sure you sister/friend/ex hasn’t changed their password!).

Stewart had this to say about his new gig: “Appearing on television 22 minutes a night clearly broke me. I’m pretty sure I can produce a few minutes of content every now and again.” We can’t wait to savor each meager minute of it!

MST3K superfans: This is not a drill.

Joel Hodgson, aka the founder and better of the two hosts (wanna fight about it?) of the beloved terrible movie and riffing-based comedy show Mystery Science Theater 3000, sent a missive out into the universe yesterday, Nov. 10, by way of a Kickstarter: If we raise $2,000,000, he says, we get our beloved MST3K back on the air, in some form, for the first time since the show was canceled in 1999. He even gets kind of zen in his reasoning:

MST3K is more than just movie riffing. It’s a stranger and denser recipe than just saying smart aleck things to a forgotten movie, but I think this is the secret ingredient: we believed that it’s easiest to survive the cheesy movie that we’re living in with friends who keep us from taking it all too seriously.

Now, I don’t want to get too maudlin about it, because being too serious is the enemy of comedy. We weren’t trying to send a message: job #1 was always to make a funny show. But while we were doing that, I hope we also helped show the kids that society, and the stupid things we say and do to each other, are “just a show, and you should really just relax.”

Hodgson went on to do a Reddit AMA in the afternoon in which he answered enough questions to occupy, you know, a guy stuck on a fictional planet for an undetermined amount of time. Questions such as: Will the cast be the same? (No. And sources say Joel/Mike will be Jonah Ray.)

In any event, the fundraiser has already garnered more than half its goal just 24 hours after launching. No, I do not care to disclose what percentage of that was donated by me. Suffice it to say this is the only ’90s reboot to date that has me genuinely optimistic for something great. Meanwhile, over at the Atlantic, Megan Garber testifies as to why the show always belonged in this era to begin with.

We’ll be keeping tabs on which network or online platform bites, as Hodgson says he hasn’t exactly figured out particulars of, you know, actually releasing new episodes.

While we wait, though, All of Manos: The Hands of Fate is on YouTube.

Back in April, news of a Full House revival materialized and ’90s kids rejoiced or pretended to be too cool to care. And now we get our first peek at what Netflix has cooked up. Let’s experience this together through a live blog, shall we?

0:03 – The Netflix logo reminds us all to stop neglecting whatever series we’re currently marathoning. For me, it’s The Great British Bake-Off, which you should really be watching, if you enjoy polite Brits being really tender with each other and getting emotional about custard. But I digress…

0:04 – The Golden Gate Bridge! It feels like only yesterday that baby Mary Kate (or maybe it was Ashley) was chilling hard in the back of a convertible cruising across the Bay with John Stamos and co.

0:08 – Cable car means that I’m now really craving some Rice-A-Roni. Good work, Rice-A-Roni marketing wizards!

0:12 – A beautiful view of San Francisco featuring the Painted Ladies! Okay, can we talk? This is not where the Full House gang lived so stop saying that. They had a picnic here. That’s it! (I care too much.)

0:17 – Sad music reminiscent of The WB challenges the notion that you can’t go home again and the real Full House house appears. Maybe you cry or maybe something’s just in your eye. No judgment.

0:23 – Their kitchen has been remodeled because some interior decorator never heard the aphorism: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

0:24 – The word “eat” is painted on the wall, which is a good enough excuse for me to include my favorite Michelle Tanner eats stuff gifs:

0:25 – There is some kids’ artwork hanging. These kids won’t be Michelle or Stephanie so I plan to ignore them completely.

0:27 – February 26th is the premiere date a.k.a. when our lives change very slightly. Bring it.

0:33 – The living room has also been redecorated. A pillow reads “home.” This interior decorator is so literal.

0:37 – “Life is full again.” I mean, it would be fuller if the Olsen twins were involved in this, but okay sure.

0:38 – OMG, a baby Golden Retriever!!! Comet’s offspring! Actually, I can’t handle the idea of Comet being dead. Let’s just pretend Michelle became a scientist and figured out how to reverse-age canines. So let’s try that again: OMG, a baby Golden Retriever and still very vital Comet!!!

0:42 – “Gosh, it feels so good to be back!” D.J. says from outside. If she’s not living here yet, who redecorated? Stephanie’s way cooler than this Martha Stewart Home nonsense. And Kimmie would never. Aunt Becky? Yeah, she would. Glad we settled that.

0:44 – “I’ll grab little Tommy,” Stephanie says from behind the door. In 20 years, little Tommy will decline to participate in Fullest House.

0:46 – “Max, the hair, huh?” Uncle Jesse is still not into people touching his hair, which is totally his prerogative. We can’t see him, but he’s definitely still really hot.

0:48 – “Max, cut. It. Out!” Uncle Joey is back too! And this Max person sounds like a real problem.

0:53 – “Jackson, can you watch your brother?” Wow, D.J. was really busy.

0:58 – “D.J., you don’t need movers. You got us.” The series’ sugary-sweetness is still intact.

1:00 – The door finally opens and fade to black.

Hmm. Well, that wasn’t really much to go on, but two things are clear: I will definitely be watching in February and I’m really jazzed that Comet is still alive and will never ever die.

Last month, much to the frothy anticipation of comic book fans, Netflix released the Marvel web series Jessica Jones. If you’re an early adopter — or even if you just like reading entertainment news — you know the basics: Jessica is a private eye in NYC with superhero tendencies, PTSD, and a liver designed for whiskey. The show is set in the present, but follows the typical ’50s detective noir motif of an alcoholic anti-hero digging up dirt in a metropolis.

The twist? The show continuously subverts gender norms, and places the female protagonist in a role of kick-ass prowess.

A few of her predecessors, Xena and Buffy Summers, were instant cult heroine classics. They taught the little girls of the ’90s to throw witticisms into the face of danger, whether at a king dead-set on killing a baby fated to dethrone him, or a boyfriend who turns evil after the first time you two have sex. It’s tough to tell right now whether Jones will be an influential cult hit — she has a dark side that’s hard to stomach. What we can do is figure out where she fits on the echelon of supernatural female badassery.

First off: all three shows place a huge emphasis on female friendships. Xena’s sidekick Gabrielle helps Xena pursue the greater good with her maternal instincts, naivete, and sarcastic comebacks. She’s Xena’s moral compass and strategical mind when a roundhouse kick and screaming “ayi-ayi-ayee” just won’t cut it. Also,

the show was hugely influential with the lesbian community because of the sexual innuendos and tension between the two characters. Maybe not an obvious mainstream media win for the LGBTQ community, but a foot in the door nonetheless.

Buffy, on the other hand, has an entire band of misfits, male and female, watching her back throughout the series. The core of Xander, Willow, and Giles have stuck with her since high school. They’re loyal to a fault, and often getting caught in heartbreaking dilemmas. Jessica only really trusts her best friend Trish Walker, a famed talk show host. Jessica and Trish protect each other while independently working on their own self-preservation. Neither are damsels in distress. Neither ask for a man’s protection.

Let’s talk about the inherent beauty of campy television, and ridiculous plot devices. Xena is allegedly the daughter of Ares, yet this is never confirmed. She was first introduced on the series Hercules: The Legendary Journey as a villain. After three episodes of tireless back and forth with Hercules, Xena wooes the audience and lands her own spin-off. Now, in a series that channels much of Evil Dead 2’s humor, she becomes “a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle” and fights mythological creatures in a push-up leather get-up and flawless skin. The dialogue is cringe-worthy. The male adversaries are blundering brutes with zilch chance at overcoming Xena and Gabrielle. The show lasts six seasons; a success.

You move on to Buffy, and you see similar campy ploys, but with a big shift. We’ll get to that big shift in a sec, but first: Buffy is the only Vampire Slayer in existence (aside from Faith), yet she pretty much never has to travel to fight big bads for other countries. What’s up? How was Sunnyvale so conveniently on a Hellmouth? Despite the chiseled jawbone, why was it okay that a 200-something year old vampire, Angel, was Buffy’s first love at 16? Despite the numerous common sense foils and deus ex machina saves, Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s saving grace was the family of stalwart friends with snappy retorts and unwavering loyalty. It was unnervingly exactly what you wanted yourself.

Jessica Jones lacks camp, silliness, and warmth. Instead, you get the bleak reality of life with PTSD, and using alcohol as an emotional crutch. Jones is volatile. You want to root for her, but half of the time her friends give her better advice and she still lashes out. If you want a neat arc of human progress and resilience, Jessica Jones is not the show for you. Instead, it’s a realistic portrayal of the lasting effects of PTSD even after therapy or time has elapsed. It strays so far from campy that you want to pull it back, but the discomfort is a necessary progression of the genre.

Stretching the boundaries of female characterization past the point of likability is brave. It’s experimental, relatable, and it’s causing people to rethink what constitutes a favorite character. I’d recommend all three of these shows. They all pass the Bechdel test — and what do you know? They’re all on Netflix.  There’d be worse ways to kick off your 2016. 

Piano keys plink dramatically, a bell tolls, a single rose petal falls, a feather duster flirts with a chandelier: all portents of the final season of Downton Abbey, a soap opera we all didn’t have to feel bad about watching because of the vaguely historical storylines and the fancy British accents.

Forget everything that happened last year? Refresh your memory.
Wonder how I think everything should end? Read up.

Everyone else, let’s do this!

A crazy amount of dogs follow white dudes in fancy red coats and top hats on horseback. Right off the bat, the Downton Abbey producers are trying to make up for killing Isis, the only dog that matters. This will not work.

Thomas carries a tray of goblets out to the red coats. Maybe one of them will be his new rich love interest and he’ll finally have the means to quit this dumb job and live happily ever after? Yeah, probably not.

He passes a drink to Mary, who is wearing a bowler hat and a black coat and NOT riding side-saddle like a proper, demure lady, because, ever since her sex vacation last season, she doesn’t really give a you-know-what.

Sad, overwhelmed Molesley comes outside and all the dogs immediately sniff out his desperation and start barking at him. Per usual, Molesley sucks at life and comes *this close* to dropping everything on his tray. Carson raises an eyebrow at him that translates to: How in the world have I not fired you yet?! That’s a really good question.

A woman in a hat approaches Downton. Let it be Sybil! Maybe she faked her own death to get a break from all her nosy relatives and travel the world or become a progressive politician or something? I don’t care how outlandish the story, I just want Sybil back! #MakeItRightJulianFellowes #BringBackTheHaremPants #StandAgainstPreeclampsia

Cora Crawley reminds her husband, Robert, that he probably shouldn’t bail on some important board meeting in order to go hunting. Robert, who has learned nothing from his long history of screwing up business transactions and losing much of the family’s fortune, is like, Whatever, mom! and gallops off.

Cora should have listened to me last season when I screamed at her through my computer screen: STAY WITH THE ART DUDE! OR GO TO JAMAICA AND GET YOUR GROOVE BACK! ANYTHING BUT THIS!

Mary and Robert notice the woman in the hat and wonder who she is. She doesn’t look like Sybil so who cares.

Robert gives Mary a hard time for not being “graceful” and riding side-saddle because it’s only been 2 minutes and we need a reminder that he represents ye olde patriarchy. Mary is not having any of it.

It’s 1925. Remember when the show started with the Titanic sinking? That was 1912, which means that it’s supposedly been 13 years (math!) since we first met these characters. Even Maggie Smith has wondered how the Dowager Countess is still alive. I’m not concerned with that because the answer’s easy; a being as perfect as that is clearly an immortal goddess dating back to ancient Egypt. What I do wonder is: why is Daisy still basically a baby? Also immortal?

Carson talks to Not Sybil, who’s still loitering. I have no idea what in the world they’re talking about. Intrigue!

Mary and Edith’s kids watch Mrs. Patmore bake. One of them speaks (a first!) and asks to lick the bowl. Eventually, the subject will shift from how delicious cake batter is to how the nearly constant absence of their parents contributed to their inability to accept love or engage in any meaningful intimacy. Hopefully the family still has money for all those therapist bills by then (not likely, if Grandpa Robert keeps bailing on meetings to futz around in the woods).

Mrs. Hughes and Thomas talk about how nice (i.e. cute) the new footman, Andy, is. Then, Mrs. Hughes basically warns Thomas not to get an unrequited crush on this one. He stares at her with a weird smile for a beat too long, which means he’s fantasizing about killing her for saying that, but he snaps out of it in order to give baby George a piggy back ride ’cause why not?

Daisy asks Mrs. Hughes if she’s set a wedding date yet. She hasn’t because Carson only really kisses her on the forehead and a woman has needs. (I may have inferred a great deal of this.)

Later, Mrs. Patmore finds Mrs. Hughes for some real talk. Mrs. Hughes pretends nothing is wrong and Mrs. Patmore gives her a girl, please look. Turns out I was wrong about Mrs. Hughes wanting more than forehead kisses. She is really freaked out about having sex.

Mrs. Patmore brings in reason: “There’s nothing so terrible about it, is there?” But then she keeps talking: “…so they say…I wouldn’t know, of course.”

So you mean to tell me Mrs. Patmore, who is easily pushing 60, has never ever had sex?! Hurry up, Women’s Lib!

Mrs. Hughes thinks her “late middle age” body is repulsive and prefers the idea of living like “a very loving brother and sister” to Carson ever seeing her naked. Mrs. Patmore points out that Carson’s body is probably pretty gross too. Mrs. Hughes agrees and momentarily feels better, before asking Mrs. Patmore to go iron this whole naked sex arrangement out with Carson. Now that’s a friend!

In the stairwell, Mrs. Patmore runs into Anna, who is crying because that’s all her body knows how to do. I wish she would make a pro/con list about her marriage.

Pro: he’s kind of cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Con: he’s maybe murdered two different people, is always grumpy, scares potential friends away, talks a big game, but can’t back it up, etc. etc. etc.

Out in the woods, Not Sybil is loitering again. Get a hobby already!

Mary spots her and instantly falls off her horse into the mud. Her dad is kind of worried, but had suspected Mary would be taken down, one way or another, by the un-feminine way she was riding. Not Sybil looks pleased and evil in the distance.

Back at the Abbey, some insecure editor dude is yelling at Edith over the phone. He apparently doesn’t like working for a woman. Cora suggests she just sell the business and go back to just sitting around. Edith is like nah.

At the board meeting, Dowager Countess and cousin Isobel are fighting again (so much for all that ya-ya sisterhood last season). Some big hospital wants to buy their little village hospital. Countess wants to retain control. Isobel thinks it would be better for the patients if they were to hand it over. Isobel’s former suitor (you remember, the one with those jerk sons) tells her he’s glad they agree. Isobel replies by singing the chorus of Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.”

Mary returns home to find Not Sybil lurking in the bushes. She’s had enough and confronts the mystery lady. Turns out she’s a chambermaid from the hotel where Mary had her sex vacation. Well, damn!

She allegedly has receipts to prove that Mary is a whore and wants money to keep quiet. Mary says that this isn’t the first time someone’s tried to blackmail her and walks away in the rain. Not Sybil But A Blackmailing Chambermaid keeps spewing threats.

Can we just skip this storyline? It’s the final season. Let’s spend it worrying about more important things like getting Mrs. Patmore laid and figuring out a way for Edith to kill some Nazis for probably killing her baby daddy!

Downstairs in the servants’ rec room or whatever, Anna is still being a downer. Meanwhile, Thomas is tired from giving baby Marigold piggy back rides all day. Is he grooming these children to be his accomplices since none of the other servants are evil these days?

Molesely says something like, Gosh, how great that Lady Edith found this random pauper baby in the village and wants to give her a better life! So simple and gullible. Bless his heart.

In the drawing room upstairs, Robert and Carson complain about how the servant to rich person ratio is going down. Robert then proceeds to condescendingly lecture Carson about how you can’t resist time or progress, despite the fact that he tried to do just that every moment of the previous five seasons.

In Mary’s bedroom, Anna and Mary talk about the blackmailer and the latest in Anna’s court case (she’s on bail for now) before talking about what’s really important: whatever will they do about Mary’s wet hair?!

In the shoe-shining room (if Tori Spelling’s mom can have a whole room dedicated to gift-wrapping, the Crawleys can have one for this, okay?), Bates tries to figure out why Anna is sad. She insists that she’s fine…and then bursts into sobs. She had a miscarriage. Did a woman who’s married to a creepy bore and is currently on bail for maybe killing her rapist really need another adversity, Downton writers?

At dinner, the family speaks of Tom Branson (come back!). He’s found a flat in Boston and Sybbie likes her new school. Robert uses this news as an opportunity to diss the American accent. Cora quickly reminds him that, despite her weird hybrid accent, she is an American! Again, art dude or Jamaica; you have options, Cora!

Mary announces that she is going to take over Branson’s former duties and everyone gets into a debate about whether women are capable of doing stuff. Robert has changed his tone from outright misogynist to pretend feminist: “Long live women’s rights and all that, but it’s not a good idea to take on a job that wears you out.”

Cousin Isobel brings up the hospital fight again in front of everyone. Both the Countess and I are appalled at her lack of manners.

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Patmore tries to broach the uncomfortable naked fornication subject. It’s a shame Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” wasn’t written yet. That could have helped things along.

Mrs. Patmore finally gets around to kind of sort of bringing it up: “Do you expect to share your…way of life?” And thus, she wins the award for best euphemism for a penis ever uttered. As if we could love her any more, she then takes a shot of port and gets the hell out of there.

Upstairs, the Dowager and Robert whine about downsizing. Boo hoo.

In the sitting room, Edith mentions going to London and maybe setting up her own apartment there. One second after she leaves the room, Mary lets one fly: “Edith, alone on the town, what will she get up to?” I wish these two would duel and get it over with. Maybe it would even inspire a super popular Hamilton-esque musical!

The next day, Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore are speaking in code about sex again, when Blackmail Girl interrupts. All these servants and no one is serving as a bouncer? Who let homegirl in?!

Anyway, she wants to deliver something to Mary herself and Mrs. Hughes rightly says “We don’t know you” as shadily as Mariah Carey would, but the blackmailer makes it happen because Mrs. Hughes is busy thinking about Carson’s “way of life.”

Up in Mary’s room, Blackmail Girl says a bunch of rude things, while eating a bit of Mary’s toast. Then, she THROWS THE PIECE OF TOAST DOWN REALLY HARD! I was so scandalized, I gasped. Did you? Mary calls the woman “revolting” and has Anna, who isn’t crying for once (!), escort her out.

In the village doctor’s office, he and cousin Isobel disagree some more on the hospital crisis. He asks, “Do you not care?” I’ll answer for all of us and say, Not even a little bit. Next!

Back in Mr. Carson’s office, a police officer tells Anna and Bates that some woman has confessed to the murder of the rapist, but that they’re not in the clear just yet. Bates is pissed that he told them at all, which means that this police dude has a 82% chance of ending up mysteriously dead before the season is up.

Upstairs, Carson tells Robert about the eviction of Daisy’s father-in-law (remember she married that dying guy even though she was totally just not that into him way back?).

Downstairs, Carson runs into his fiancé and calls her Mrs. Hughes, as he always does. She suggests he start calling her Elsie. He says, nope, and then presses her to set the date. She refuses and gets the hell away from the gross naked body underneath his clothes.

The Dowager’s maid, Denker, shows up and stirs the pot by telling everyone they’re probably getting laid off. Everyone hates her and her weird eyebrows.

Upstairs, Robert confirms that yes, Daisy’s father-in-law is probably being evicted. Ah, glad that’s settled.

Over at the Dowager’s pad, Denker is now telling Spratt, the butler, that he’s probably going to be laid off. The Dowager enters and asks Spratt to let the cook know she’s ready for dinner. Spratt falls right into Denker’s trap by going all Tourette’s and blurting out, “I will, although you could have rang for her yourself!”

The Dowager whips around and has him beheaded on the spot. Well, actually she just says “I beg your pardon?!” in an outraged old lady sort of way, but it’s basically the same thing.

Upstairs, Anna tells Mary about how much she wanted to slap the blackmailer. Yes, Anna, less crying, more revenge!

In Carson’s pantry, Mrs. Patmore and Carson finally start talking about sex, albeit only through euphemisms. Carson must decide between sexless companionship or hanging from the chandeliers. Which will it be?!

Outside, Anna feels like a loser for being barren.

Back inside, Carson decides that yes, he does want to have naked sex. Mrs. Patmore says she hopes he gets to have sex soon and goes off to relay the message to Mrs. Hughes. Wow, hooking up pre-Tinder was super involved!

Spratt tattles on Denker because the “snitches get stitches” aphorism wasn’t invented yet.

In the Downton kitchen, Daisy shares her plans to attend her father-in-law’s former landlord’s auction by riding in the front of one of the Downton carriages. Mrs. Patmore says Mr. Carson won’t allow it and Daisy responds, “Even Mr. Carson can’t always have his own way.” Yes, Daisy, you immortal, ageless beauty, do whatever you want!

Ugh, Blackmail Girl is back. Molesley lets her right in ’cause, again, he sucks at life. Carson is over her too and tries to kick her out, but she worms her way in again. After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left is cockroaches, Cher and Blackmail Girl.

In London, Edith tells her aunt that she’s met Virginia Woolf before. Way to bury the lead, Edith! I knew you were cool! Her aunt thinks so too and asks if she wants to spend the rest of her life hanging around Downton “being sniped at by Mary” or if she wants to be a hipster in London. Be a hipster, Edith! Become Virginia Woolf’s publisher and lover ’cause being with men hasn’t been really working out for you so far. Lest we forget that burn victim you crushed on who was also your maladjusted cousin or whatever!

Back at Downton, Mary comes home to find Blackmail Girl hanging out with her Papa. He pays her off, against Mary’s wishes, and BG leaves in a cloud of insults (if it was 2014, I would say “Bye, Felicia!” but I can’t anymore because 2015 happened so I’ll just leave it at “Bye”).

Mary and Robert proceed to talk about her sex vacation in a much more straightforward manner than Mr. Carson and Mrs. Patmore did earlier. Papa, I had to know if he was bad at sex before I married him and he was! she said (in so many words).

Plot twist: Robert did something awesome for a change! He only paid Blackmail Girl 50 pounds and made her sign a confession! And then he said he believes Mary can run the estate, despite her ovaries! Huzzah!

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes is still not sure if she wants to have sex or not. Good grief, girl, just do it. You’ll like it. Unless you don’t (see: Mary’s sex vacation).

Upstairs, the Crawleys are leaving for the auction. Edith alludes to leaving Yorkshire to become a Bloomsbury hipster. Mary is at a loss for words ’cause she’s probably mad she didn’t think of it first.

Carson randomly ignores Thomas, inspiring another one of Thomas’ one-beat-too-long stares and smiles. He’s totally going to kill all of these people someday soon.

At the Dowager’s house, cousin Isobel talks about the hospital situatio….zzzzzzzzzzz. Oops, nodded off there for a second, where was I?

The Dowager off-handedly tells Denker she will miss her, although nothing is yet settled. Denker waits until she’s in the hallway to die a little inside. The Dowager then shares some advice on how to be a boss with cousin Isobel: “Sometimes, it’s good to rule by fear.”

At the auction, the Crawleys chat with the sad sack who has to sell all his stuff and move to a small hole in London. He warns ominously not to hang on so long that they lose everything. Edith is like, Right on! ’cause she’s moving soon and no longer gives a damn.

In a different room, Daisy and her father-in-law, whose family lived and worked at this place for generations, gawk at all the rich people’s things…until Daisy finds the new owner who is kicking her father-in-law out and loudly lets him have it. What all that book learnin’ has wrought!

Robert and Edith keep trying to stop her from speaking, but she has something to say! Cliffs Notes version: The proletariat rules, the aristocracy drools. This does not go over well.

Back at Downton, Daisy worries aloud about how she’s probably going to get fired, but everyone is like, Shut up, the police officer is back! He tells everyone that the confession has been confirmed. Anna is officially a free woman!

The Crawleys run downstairs to pop some bottles. They even get out the gramophone! Everyone does the 1925 version of twerking.

Anna is excited and all, but she brings up her inability to have babies again ’cause she’s gotten used to always being distraught over something.

Carson finds Cora and Robert, asks if he should fire Daisy and compares what she did to Guy Fawkes blowing up Parliament. Those two incidents are exactly the same; you’re right, Carson. Ugh, I hope he never ends up having sex. Thankfully, Cora and Robert respond with a tepid meh.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson finally talk about sex and agree to do it, even though Carson doesn’t deserve it. “If you want me, you can have me, warts and all,” she says. Then, they make out…using their lips!…zero foreheads involved! Good for them.

FIN.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Blackmail Girl/Not Sybil: Better luck next time, loitering jerk. P.S. You’re probably going to hell for throwing that piece of toast like that. Hope you packed sunblock.

HONORABLE MENTION: Isis: The Downton producers are gonna have to find more dogs than that, if they want us to forget you, old friend (impossible).

BRONZE: Daisy: Tell it, sister! And stay in school!

SILVER: Edith: For knowing Virginia Woolf and planning on moving out. Your day in the sun has come at last (or has it?)!

GOLD: Mrs. Patmore: We would all be so lucky to have a bestie like you. Talking to Carson, the stodgiest person ever to live, about boinking? That’s immediate first place status. A Nobel Peace Prize isn’t out of the question either. Take note, other Downton denizens!

Until next week!

Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Finale Recap: All I Want for Christmas Is You

In case the breathless coverage of Full House in the past hasn’t tipped you off, I’m a fan of the show and cautiously intrigued by the revival. Netflix just released the first photos from the set, which means it’s my duty to overanalyze them. Let me find my magnifying glass.

Found it! Let’s give these pics a look.

The girls are all grown up! And apparently share the same hair stylist! Stephanie and Kimmie wanted to keep the uniformity going by wearing feline-inspired fashions. D.J. was like nah, this random baby will probably just throw up on it so uninspired grey shirt it is!

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the house looks like the one from Step By Step. If you’re making this face right now, you’re not alone:

Ugh, kids. I understand that this show is more about grabbing the attention of a whole new generation à la Girl Meets World, but I can’t help but want everything to be about me and the other old people on the show.

I’m a novice body language reader so I’m going to go ahead and say that D.J. is going to be a stick-in-the-mud helicopter mom (her husband died so she won’t want her sons to take any risks). Stephanie will fill Uncle Jessie’s shoes and be the fun aunt who’s rock ‘n’ roll in the tamest way possible. The oldest kid is going to reach puberty and for sure have a weird dream about Stephanie. The younger brother will be a pyromaniac for at least two episodes. If Kimmie’s daughter’s knack for matching prints — turtles and gemstones! — is any indication, she will out-quirk her mother, who has been tamed by old age. How will Kimmie deal with being a disciplinarian and welcomed guest rather than a rule-breaker and constant interloper?

Okay, now things are getting interesting!! Damn, Stephanie, yes! San Francisco is a very different place than it was back in the ’90s so why not pretend it’s Vegas? Meanwhile, Kimmie is imitating a dog or cat, while D.J. continues to be a judgmental wet blanket.

Aww, still the kind of feel-good show that makes your teeth hurt. Danny Tanner looks on and feels pride at how well his daughters turned out, but he can’t ignore that gnawing, hollow feeling in his chest over Michelle, who’s decided to cut ties with her family to be Anna Wintour. Also, he’s trying really hard to stop himself from cleaning something.

Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky must have sold their Aryan twins for an immortality elixir because damn, they’re still really hot. And, last and also least, Uncle Joey sadly looks down at his hands, which aided him in doing whatever drove Alanis to write the ultimate diss track, “You Oughta Know.”

Fuller House premieres on Netflix on February 26th.