Golden Globes 2018: The Complete List Of Winners

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside

‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save the Queen

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Netflix’s Fyre Festival Documentary Arrives This Week

January 14, 2019, 12:01 am

≫ Next: Part ‘Walking Dead,’ Part ‘I Am Legend,’ ‘The Passage’ is Coming to FOX

≪ Previous: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

In April 2017, it was marketed as the party of a lifetime. The Fyre Music Festival was billed as a two-weekend, immersive experience in paradise where festival goers would enjoy top musical acts, party with supermodels and stay in lux accommodations on a private island in The Bahamas once owned by Pablo Escobar.

But attendees who paid thousands of dollars to fly to the Caribbean for Fyre Fest were greeted with complete chaos. When they arrived, they found a tent city and half-built structures. As more ticket holders arrived, they discovered there was not enough security, lights or food. Live tweets from ground zero of the pseudo-concert turned the fest and its co-founders, rapper Ja Rule and entrepreneur Billy McFarland, into the laughing stock of the Internet.

In the aftermath of the debacle, Fyre Fest was federally investigated and subject to a class action lawsuit. McFarland was arrested and sentenced to six years in prison for defrauding investors for millions of dollars.

Now, the new Netflix documentary Fyre: The Greatest Party That Never Happened, out Jan. 18, goes behind the scenes with people directly involved to find out exactly what happened and how it all fell apart.

Chris Smith, the documentary director, says that in terms of marketing, Fyre Media succeeded in “selling the dream” of a beach vacation combined with a music fest. But delivering on the fantasy was another story.

“I don’t think they set out to try and scam people and just have them fly out and it be a disaster. I think the idea was to deliver something that lived up to the marketing. It was just the reality of that just proved to be incredibly impossible,” Smith says.

The documentary interviews not only the organizers and people who know McFarland, but also native Bahamians who worked to set up the festival that were never paid.

Billy McFarland in a screenshot from 'FYRE: The Greatest Party That Never Happened.' — Billy McFarland in a screenshot from ‘FYRE: The Greatest Party That Never Happened.’ (Netflix)

“I had seen the news story when it broke and just the implosion of the fest and how it was being reported and it always felt very one dimensional,” Smith says. “To me, I was interested to see if there was a human story behind it.”

Smith notes that he reached out to Billy McFarland to be interviewed for this documentary but that McFarland wanted to be paid in order to appear.

“It’s a reflection of this idea of perception and reality,” Smith says when explaining takeaways of the film. “Here you had something that was presented as sort of the ultimate festival experience and the reality of it was so different. It feels very much like a reflection of the times that we’re in right now.”

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Part ‘Walking Dead,’ Part ‘I Am Legend,’ ‘The Passage’ is Coming to FOX

January 14, 2019, 11:43 am

≫ Next: Everyone is a Traveler as The CW Returns to ‘Roswell, New Mexico’

≪ Previous: Netflix’s Fyre Festival Documentary Arrives This Week

The best-selling trilogy of novels by Justin Cronin—The Passage, The Twelve and The City of Mirrors—collectively form an epic tale, sweeping in scope. Combining apocalyptic fiction with straight-up horror, the books hop around in time—well, I say “hop”—they long-jump around in time, from the near-future, when a secret team of government scientists attempts to develop a formula that will render humanity immune to disease, to 1,000 years hence, long after that bright idea has borne its inevitable, nasty, blood-sucking fruit: vampires called “virals” that have wiped out most of the world.

It’s pulpy going, sure—part I Am Legend, part The Walking Dead, part The Stand—but all those familiar, pulpy components cohere into something hugely satisfying, because Cronin is so good at establishing the vastness of the world he creates: shocks and twists abound, characters thought dead return after looooong absences, and there’s a palpable sense of humanity’s enduring legacy—its triumphs and missteps—on a planet where only a hardy few huddle together in far-flung outposts.

It’s big, in other words. Vast.

But the new FOX series The Passage—named for the first book in Cronin’s trilogy, but based, we are assured, on all three of them—isn’t. At least, not yet.

In the first three episodes made available to press, the series boasts strong performances, agreeably hokey dialogue you’ll likely be able to mouth along with the actors, too-brief but sorely needed flashes of humor, and characters who say and do some very, very stupid things only because the plot demands them to. (The laws of idiotic cause and effect in The Passage‘s universe dictate: If there’s a cage with a monster inside it, some idiot will dutifully open said cage.)

What The Passage doesn’t feature a lot of, at least at this early stage, is a definable sense of menace, or any real inkling of the (much, much) wider story that Cronin’s trilogy encompasses.

Which is fine, as far as it goes. Those who have read the books know what’s coming; those who haven’t will just have to content themselves with the ominous voiceover supplied by the show’s breakout star, young Saniyya Sidney. Assured and charismatic, Sidney plays Amy, the girl who may or may not hold the key to humanity’s survival—which is why the show’s various factions spend these first few episodes fighting over her.

Amy (Saniyya Sidney) and Agent Wolgast (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) in 'The Passage.' — Amy (Saniyya Sidney) and Agent Wolgast (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) in ‘The Passage.’ (FOX)

Basically: The secret cabal of scientists wants to inject Amy with their formula, which causes their best agent (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) to rebel against his orders and take her on the lam.

The series devotes much of its running time, in the first three episodes, to establishing the bond between Amy and Gosselaar’s Agent Wolgast, which makes sense—any show with this many high-concept trappings needs a believable human relationship or two to provide emotional ballast. But those scenes, as appealing as they are, mean that the show has to work harder to convince us that the “virals”—previously injected humans who harbor the vamp-virus, kept prisoner by the scientists—pose a clear, present and growing danger.

The Passage sets about this crucial task by employing that aformentioned voiceover, by having various characters mutter vague presentiments (“Something is coming,” one whispers, “and it’s not good”) and by having the various virals enter the dreams of the facility’s staffers, the way that Big Bads on serialized action/horror shows are so wont to do.

The series attempts to generate a sense of dread by keeping its Biggest Bad in its back pocket, early on. Played by James McShane, the lead viral-vamp has a name—Tim Fanning—that doesn’t so much evoke blood-curdling terror as it does the desire to call your local dealership to schedule a tune-up. McShane does what he can, but the precious screen time he’s allotted isn’t enough to establish him as much more than a pale guy with bad skin sitting in a cell, biding his time.

Evil Tim Fanning (Jamie McShane) can't help but look bored as he bides his time. — Evil Tim Fanning (Jamie McShane) can’t help but look bored as he bides his time. (FOX)

The producers’ go-to scare tactic—having McShane, or one of his fellow virals, suddenly grimace and hiss—doesn’t pack quite the punch they want it to. The show’s over-reliance on it in these early episodes might leave viewers who haven’t read the books wondering if there’s enough here to keep them watching.

There is more, of course, much more—in the books at least: shocks, to be sure. But they also serve up something larger, deeper and more enduring: fleeting flickers of hope amid the soul-crushing hopelessness of the end of the world.

The FOX series isn’t there yet, and given its slow-burn pacing, likely won’t get there for a season or two. Given the constraints of television production schedules, and production budgets, it may never manage to convey the yawning horror the books so effectively evoke.

Maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe it will seek instead to downsize the books’ epic conflicts, and their huge cast of characters, to fit the television screen. It’s a worthy endeavor, focusing on intimate human relationships amid the spectacular fall of civilization. But for it to work in the long run, The Passage will need to start balancing the strength of the bond between its two principals with a clearer, stronger sense of the real horror they’re facing.

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Everyone is a Traveler as The CW Returns to ‘Roswell, New Mexico’

January 15, 2019, 1:42 pm

≫ Next: How On-Screen Depictions of Veterans So Often Betray Them

≪ Previous: Part ‘Walking Dead,’ Part ‘I Am Legend,’ ‘The Passage’ is Coming to FOX

As turn-of-the-millennium YA soaps on television go, Roswell was no Buffy or Dawson’s Creek, but it had its devotees. Furthermore, it was the big break for both Shiri Appleby and Katherine Heigl, both of whom are still in TV 20 years after Roswell premiered in 1999. Now, the reboot business has found Roswell—now called Roswell, New Mexico in its new form on the CW. (Both are based on the Melinda Metz book series Roswell High.)

The bones of the new show are the same as the earlier versions: three orphaned aliens named Max, Isobel and Michael live in Roswell, surrounded by the kitsch of a town that made its reputation as the (sort of) site of a (purported) alien landing in 1947. The joke is that while tourists come for the little green men and the funny diner names (like the Crash Down Cafe), the real aliens, now adults, walk among them, keeping secret a variety of powers.

The inciting incident is similar in this version to the old one, too: Liz Ortecho (Jeanine Mason) has returned to Roswell, where she grew up, to visit her father. While she’s there, her old friend (and perhaps more?) Max (Nathan Parsons) saves her life using his alien powers. This threatens to expose his secret, along with those of his sister Isobel (Lily Cowles) and their friend Michael (Michael Vlamis). Isobel and Michael both have other issues, other secrets, other people in their lives—as does Liz, who remains connected to her old boyfriend Kyle (Michael Trevino), who’s now a police officer.

The major innovation in the new version is that Liz is Latina, and her father is undocumented. This creates echoes, of course, not only with the ideas of travelers and visitors, but with the fear of discovery that exists in Liz’s life as well as Max’s. An early incident in the series (critics have seen three episodes) underscores the fact that Liz’s father is vulnerable not only to ICE, but also to people who know what happens to him if he goes to the police or the hospital.

This is a CW series to its core: It fits alongside the network’s superhero shows, which mix soapy drama with science fiction, and with Riverdale, a dark spin on a premise that sounds funny. Not everything about it works—Isobel is not well developed in the early going, and Kyle seems extraneous at best, although his story starts to ramp up a couple of episodes in. Of course, it’s a lot of characters to build. It may take time.

But parts of it work pretty well out of the gate. Mason won So You Think You Can Dance back in 2009 and has been acting ever since, most recently on Grey’s Anatomy. She’s good here, playing Liz as a scientist who’s both skeptical and emotional, a hard mix for actors to figure out sometimes. It’s surprising how quickly Liz and Max’s relationship feels like it has weight, despite the fact that it’s never easy to make a character resonate who has to do some, uh, extraordinary and weird things sometimes. There’s also an interesting path for Michael that’s different from the original, and that has promise.

Jeanine Mason as Liz and Nathan Parsons as Max in 'Roswell, New Mexico.' — Jeanine Mason as Liz and Nathan Parsons as Max in ‘Roswell, New Mexico.’ (The CW)

Parsons is still trying to get his arms around the character of Max, it seems, and while his scenes with Mason are pretty good, some of his other angst is … less so. They push through a lot of plot in the first three episodes, which requires him to cover a lot of ground. Think of it this way: It’s a lot easier for an actor to avoid looking silly when he looks at someone and serenely says “no” than it is when he’s called upon to fall to his knees and scream at the sky, “NOOOOOOOOO!” He’s quite good at the former; still working on the latter.

What’s most important about a heavily serialized show at this stage is whether it has adequate forward momentum and adequate tension to make sticking with it seem worthwhile. It’s very smart that some of the questions that could have been dragged out over a whole season, if not longer, are resolved early; that helps with momentum, in particular. And between Liz and Max and Michael, they’ve got enough going on to make it appealing.

If you don’t like CW shows but you like The X-Files and other alien shows and you’re wondering if this will be up your alley, it probably won’t be. But if you like a good CW sci-fi drama, this is a good bet to add to your list.

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How On-Screen Depictions of Veterans So Often Betray Them

January 16, 2019, 6:15 am

≫ Next: Fighting ‘Fyre’ With ‘Fyre Fraud’: Two Documentaries About the Same Disaster

≪ Previous: Everyone is a Traveler as The CW Returns to ‘Roswell, New Mexico’

It’s been a trope for half a century: the damaged soldier returns home from war, depressed, confused and probably dangerous. There are the unhinged, Russian roulette-playing Vietnam vets of Deer Hunter. The feral ex-Green Beret in survival mode, in First Blood. The broken, drug-dependent marines of Born on the Fourth of July. The brainwashed assassins of The Manchurian Candidate. In the Valley of Elah‘s PTSD-addled soldiers kill one of their own. The Hurt Locker‘s danger-addicted Sergeant who can no longer live a civilian life. In Dead Presidents, the Vietnam vets are thieves, addicts and murderers. And American Sniper is about Chris Kyle, a Navy SEAL who was ultimately murdered by a fellow vet suffering from PTSD.

Television isn’t always so heavy-handed—Modern Family‘s lovable patriarch Jay Pritchett served in the Navy; Geena in The Conners is a stable mom who fought in Afghanistan; in This Is Us, Vietnam vet, Jack Pearson, is a great dad—but problems persist. HBO’s Barry is based entirely on the premise that Marines come home unable to do anything but kill. In Netflix’s Bodyguard, one villain is a bitter former soldier hellbent on assassinating a politician. Even the hero of the piece—David Budd, an Afghanistan vet—has a wife who considers him too dangerous to live with. When Budd’s lover wakes him unexpectedly one night, he launches straight for her throat, apparently overcome by killer instinct.

If you look at on-screen depictions of former service people, one could easily conclude that more come home with mental health problems than not. It’s no wonder then that, according to a 2016 survey, 40 percent of adults in the U.S., U.K. and Canada “believe more than half the 2.8 million veterans who have served since 2001, have a mental health condition,” even though “the actual figure lies somewhere between 10 percent and 20 percent.”

Marine veteran, Renee Pickup, served for six years, and her husband remains on active duty. She worries about the ways negative fictional portrayals of the military might impact her family.

“Most of what we see in pop culture either puts vets on a pedestal so high it’s dehumanizing,” Pickup says, “or it’s about how damaged and dangerous everyone is. Even really well-written stuff plays into this. I adore Grosse Pointe Blank as a piece of entertainment, but [John Cusack’s character] couldn’t just join the military and figure himself out. He joined the military and now he’s a hitman. Barry is another one. His only being good at killing should be presented as related to his own personal moral flexibility, not chalked up to his military experience.

“These [representations] serve as a divide between us and our civilian counterparts,” Pickup explains. “They make people wary of us, which makes getting help harder. And they make employers scared of us. If we’re all ‘only good at killing,’ how do I explain to a potential employer that I have fantastic management and administrative experience?”

In 2014, military and veteran affairs magazine Task and Purpose pointed out an additional problem with television depictions. “Where are the female soldiers, especially the female junior officers?” it asked. “Where are the service members who return from a combat zone stronger than when they left? Where are the stories told by actual veterans? … There are not enough veterans involved in the story-making surrounding our own narratives.”

Pickup agrees. “We don’t often see representations of women vets, or LGBTQ vets, or veterans of color. Which means that women, LGBTQ, vets of color, and vets that aren’t Christian have a hard time getting their service recognized. I really believe this is, in part, due to the cultural reinforcement that the military is made up of straight, white men.”

During the first half of the 20th century, the way soldiers and veterans were presented in movies was narrow, but in an entirely different way. There were a multitude of movies about war—the battles, the raids and the heroism involved—and almost nothing about what happened once the soldiers got home. 1946’s The Best Years of Our Lives offered an impressively early exception to that rule, but it was 1978’s Coming Home that really changed how war stories were told on the big screen.

Vietnam was famously the most documented war in history. And once the moral and emotional complexities of that war became clear to the American public, once the draft made unwilling soldiers of a generation of young men, it became almost impossible for Hollywood to simply make straight-forward war hero stories anymore.

“In pointing out that war hurts people—because of course it does—and in trying to be compassionate to vets who subsequently have problems,” Pickup says, “[Hollywood] accidentally feeds narratives that hurt people further. Of course, there are issues with reintegration and mental health, but they don’t express themselves quite like popular culture suggests, and certainly not at the same percentage.”

When it first started, the shift in movies away from flag-waving heroism towards more realistic portrayals of war’s aftermath was both important and much-needed, especially during the post-Vietnam healing process. But, over time, that narrative has taken on a life of its own, one that doesn’t reflect most veterans’ realities at all. What started as a desire to reflect the harshest consequences service members face when they come home has ultimately become an erasure of the people who have served, survived and thrived. It’s time to start telling their stories too.

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Fighting ‘Fyre’ With ‘Fyre Fraud’: Two Documentaries About the Same Disaster

January 18, 2019, 11:24 am

≫ Next: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

≪ Previous: How On-Screen Depictions of Veterans So Often Betray Them

Fyre Festival just keeps delivering drama.

In the months leading up to April 2017, Fyre Festival was promoted as a glamorous music festival that would be filled with Instagram models and other beautiful people, held on a secluded island with everyone in luxury beach accommodations and private villas. When guests actually arrived in the Bahamas, they found a lot of gravel, unfinished FEMA tents, mattresses they had to drag around themselves, and bands that had already canceled. It was an unmitigated disaster. Eventually, organizer Billy McFarland was sentenced to six years in prison for fraud.

Netflix has had a documentary called Fyre scheduled for release today (Friday, January 18) for quite a while. Directed by Chris Smith, the film promised to go inside the story of the festival and the organizers and how everything went so wrong.

Then on Monday, like a surprise Beyoncé album, an entirely different Fyre Festival documentary dropped on the competing streaming service Hulu. Called Fyre Fraud, it too went inside the festival organization and the forces that led to such a massive rip-off of so many would-be concertgoers.

And there were two things about Fyre Fraud likely to be of interest to those who were waiting for Smith’s documentary to arrive on Netflix. One: The Hulu documentary, unlike the upcoming Netflix one, had an on-camera interview with Billy McFarland. Two: The Hulu documentary included a note at the end revealing that the other documentary floating around about Fyre Festival—that is, the Netflix one—had among its producers Jerry Media, the company that did the Fyre Festival’s social media promotion and made its now notorious promotional video. Representatives of Jerry are interviewed extensively in the Netflix doc, in which they discuss things like their role in deleting comments that cast doubt on the competence of the festival’s organizers. (I watched the whole thing and had no idea they were also producers.)

But, as Scott Tobias discussed in his fine piece at The Ringer, Hulu didn’t escape ethical scrutiny, either, because that interview with McFarland? They paid him for it, as well as for some footage he allowed them to use, though they won’t say how much. Chris Smith (who, you’ll recall, made the Netflix doc) says he wasn’t willing to pay McFarland for an interview, because he didn’t think McFarland should benefit from his own misdeeds.

So to review: Two competing documentaries, both of which were made with at least one breach of normal journalistic practice. Paying for interviews, generally, is Not Done. Likewise, having the subject of a piece participate as a producer is Not Done.

In the end, perhaps what’s most surprising is that the films are more similar than they are different. Both hit similar story beats: the Instagram marketing, the early signs of trouble, McFarland’s earlier successful-but-weird business making a metal credit card for millennials that was like a superhero suit for their regular credit card. The lack of infrastructure necessary to support the festival. The straight-up lying (concealing, for instance, that far from being deserted, the Fyre location was adjacent to a Sandals resort, oh how basic). And then: the arrival of charter flights, the horrified visitors, the sad cheese sandwiches seen round the world on Instagram, and a coda about what McFarland did after he was arrested that is shocking even when you see it documented for the second time in a week.

The dinner that @fyrefestival promised us was catered by Steven Starr is literally bread, cheese, and salad with dressing. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/I8d0UlSNbd

— Trevor DeHaas (@trev4president) April 28, 2017

There are strengths and weaknesses in both: Hulu’s tries harder to wrap its head around why this was the form that gullibility took for these particular festivalgoers—how Instagram and an “experience” economy made them vulnerable to empty promises about glamor. Netflix’s tries harder to grapple with the consequences for the local businesses in the Bahamas, including, for instance, a vendor who says she went unpaid and lost a large amount of money.

If you love a story of absolute, no-holds-barred, extravagant disaster, you’ll probably want to watch both. But if you just want a better idea of what the heck happened here, the truth is that either film will serve. Just know that—perhaps appropriately, given the subject matter—neither was made in the squeaky-clean manner we all might wish for.

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‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

January 20, 2019, 4:35 pm

≫ Next: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

≪ Previous: Fighting ‘Fyre’ With ‘Fyre Fraud’: Two Documentaries About the Same Disaster

In the previous episode of Victoria, the Queen spent so much time fighting with Lord Pam…

…that she failed to notice her true battle was with the mob outside the palace strongly considering guillotine-ing her head off.

Will Victoria’s neck be saved? Let’s find out! On with the show!

As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.

Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, “Shhh! Screaming won’t make it come any faster!”

Rude? Yes.

Iconic? Absolutely.

In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it ’cause, if she does, he will be king due to “primogeniture.” Um, thanks for the fun fact?

Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:

A. She’s destined to ace her SAT verbal section.

B. She’s kind of a sociopath.

Someone else who’s not concerned for Victoria’s well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I’m not up on my Emily Post, but I’m pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.

But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)

Louis Philippe isn’t acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who’s basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria’s new ladies.

Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don’t care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that’ll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!

Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic “To be continued…” cliffhanger from last week should have read, “To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week…”

The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.

Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on Britain’s Got ~~Talent~~ Incest: “This one’s quite pretty… for an infant. Better than the last one anyway.”

Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: “I am glad you’re not dead, mama.”

How sweet?

Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert’s mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora’s face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.

Over at the Chartist HQ, Jo from The Facts of Life is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she’s also disturbed by how he’s stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?

Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe’s blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:

Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y’all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, “Love is blind and it’ll take over your mind.” It doesn’t help that, as he’s being carted off, Nine Fingers says, “Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you.” Mmhm, sure, buddy.

Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!

Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn’t ask her first.

Bubble: burst.

Celebratory balloon: popped.

Hot Italian Chef doesn’t want to hear the tired “But the Queen needs me!” excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o’clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a sure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!

Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.

Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.

When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: “YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!”

Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: “I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!” That’s exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.

In town, there’s a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That’s when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:

Just when it looks like they’re going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode’s theme is anticlimax.

Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!

Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:

Victoria: You left when I was young and didn’t even come to my wedding!

Xenadora: I didn’t have money!

Victoria: You could have begged me for some!

Xenadora: As if!

Victoria: I don’t expect you to understand. You’ve never been in my position!

Xenadora: YoU’vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!

Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora’s facial muscles are doing weird things again.

Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.

Again:

Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. But Victoria won’t hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend’s children for life, get a free house.

In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in Felicity.

Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he’s already out! Cause he’s a cop! Who’s now acting as though he’s never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.

The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found…

…until she comes running in!

I’m going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid’s vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef’s vows about worshiping her with his body.

Which they don’t waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.

Babyface Maid’s hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef’s case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!

The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo’s story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo’s theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who’s ever heard of such a thing?!

Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they’ll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they’re even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: Hey, y’all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let’s not do it! K thanks!

Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: “How the devil did she find out?” Answer: Her name is Jo and she’s not here for your crap!

On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!

Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.

Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who’s been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he’s Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.

Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert’s bath time porn and shudders.

*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. He’s already missing a finger and he’s about to be missing another body part if he doesn’t leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel

HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten ’80s stars)!

BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can’t take any more pregnancies right now!

SILVER: Xenadora. Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!

GOLD: Albert. He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase “YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!” is my new favorite succession of words. It’s the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don’t be surprised when I’m cast on a Real Housewives show and use it as my intro tagline.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Finale Recap: It’s a Hard-Knock Life

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside

‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

↧

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

January 27, 2019, 5:41 pm

≫ Next: Why the New Michael Jackson Documentary Won’t Have the Impact ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ Did

≪ Previous: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

In the previous episode of Victoria, the Queen gave birth to yet another baby (*lets out a pregnant sigh*). For those keeping score, that’s six down, three to go. Hang in there, everyone! Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid got hitched and also got down and dirty (*prays that they used protection*). And Jo from The Facts of Life thwarted Lord Pam’s plan to frame and destroy the Chartist movement.

Due to all the unrest, Victoria and her entire #squad hightailed it over to the Isle of Wight. The last time this show went on a field trip, the Season 2 Gays went skinny dipping next to a waterfall. Maybe something like that will happen again? Are you there, God? It’s me, Emmanuel. Make it so!

Let’s find out if praying works! On with the show!

The episode’s opening shot looks like something straight out of Poldark, which is enough of an excuse for me to say I MISS HORACE THE PUG SO MUCH and to place his beautiful mug here:

But I digress.

Any of us who played soccer growing up remember saying “Good game, good game, good game…” while slapping the other team’s hands. Because the life of a future king is quite sheltered and lonely, Bertie has to recreate that experience with dead fish.

What’s another way one can turn a dead fish into a playmate? Run around with it!

Look, mom! I found Nemo!

Victoria is going to order one of her servants to spank Bertie, isn’t she?

Back in London, Lord Pam is making fun of Victoria for running away. He’s also cozying up to yet another anti-royalist revolutionary because he’s messy and lives for drama.

French revolutionaries are so two episodes ago. It’s all about Hungarians now, specifically a dude named Lajos Kossuth, who got himself exiled for being a thorn in the side of royals. Sound like anyone we know? Birds of a feather flock together.

(Yes, I used Lajos’ actual photo because what a flex to shave your entire chin and nothing else.)

Back on the Isle of Wight, Mean Butler earns the right to be called by his actual name for once (Mr. Penge!) by gifting us this glorious eye roll moment.

And he’s not the only character making me question why I dislike them. Last episode, Albert received a gold medal for uttering my new favorite succession of words: “YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!” Now, while sharing his opinion of Lord Pam buddying up with the Hungarian, he has introduced me to another wonderful new insult: “He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!” (For those who don’t know, a “blaggard” is “a scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person.”) Is it possible that, after two and a half seasons, I’m finally starting to… like Albert?!?

In other news, Disney Princess gets word that Disney Villain has sent their six-year-old off to boarding school. New Footman is eavesdropping nearby. Slow and steady wins the race, but can we fast-forward this secret crush to the part when he does this?

Upstairs, Victoria is fuming because Hot Italian Chef has offered a letter of resignation. Albert doesn’t understand what the big deal is: “Victoria, really this is such a trivial domestic matter!” Tread carefully, Al. I just started liking you.

Victoria asks Babyface Maid if she knew anything about this. Her response:

Babyface Maid retreats to the kitchen and tells Hot Italian Chef she can’t believe he actually followed through on their plan. Um, yeah, girl. He didn’t buy an inn for shits and giggles.

Hot Italian Chef encourages her to resign too, just like they planned. Again, Babyface Maid is all:

Back upstairs, Albert is now the one fuming. Not over resignations, but about how dumb Bertie is. “HE DOESN’T READ!” Yeah, we know. We’ve seen him with an abacus.

Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because, the next day, Victoria is about to swim for the first time and asks, “Do you suppose it’s possible actually to breathe under the water?”

I should mention that she’s wearing this number as a bathing suit.

You can’t tell, but I’m fully pointing and laughing.

Mere seconds into her swim, Victoria learns the hard way that, no, you can’t breathe underwater and, yes, you can drown in knee-deep water if you put your mind to it.

To make matters worse, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover arrive at that exact moment. But she quickly takes back the upper hand with this exchange:

Victoria: “Kossuth’s reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak.”

Lord Pam: “With respect, ma’am…”

Victoria: “There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Pam. Saying ‘with respect’ does not put it there.”

In a garden, Disney Princess and New Footman finally have a conversation! Progress! Alas, their chat is mostly about her other crush, Lord Pam. This Felicity love triangle is heating up!

Elsewhere, Albert is trying to teach Bertie how to not be so stupid. He asks him to multiply two by zero. Bertie guesses two, then twenty, which inspires yet another hilarious line from Albert: “This boy’s refusal to learn is… PREPOSTEROUS!”

That night, everyone gathers for a party. New Footman and Lord Pam both make eyes at Disney Princess, but New Footman is the first to make a move. “Forgive me, your grace, there’s something come adrift.”

Oooo, his heart? Or maybe something more scandalous below the waist??”

Womp, womp! He just meant that her shoulder strap fell and her shoulder is hanging out totally naked (shield the children’s eyes!). As far as pick-up lines go, I give this one an A+ for helpfulness and an F in every other category.

Let’s see how Lord Pam does.

Lord Pam: “Where’s your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married.”

Disney Princess: “He’s in London.”

Lord Pam: “Excellent.”

Disney Princess: “It is shocking that you find it excellent that my husband isn’t here.”

Lord Pam: “Excessively shocking, but also excellent.”

Nice work! And Disney Princess agrees because the two of them immediately sneak down a dark hallway to hook up!

Not so fast! One of Victoria’s other ladies interrupts by pointedly asking about Lord Pam’s wife. The feeling when you’re trying to convince your friend not to be a ho:

Later, news arrives that the German mobs no longer want to kill Xenadora and she can finally return home. Instead of smiling, her face muscles start doing weird things again.

Xenadora cries long enough for Albert to say she can stay. A noted scammer himself, Lord Pam recognizes how full of it she is and tells her so in a vaguely threatening tone later on. Just based on how Xenadora always looks as if she’s stifling a primal scream, I wouldn’t want to be on her bad side. This battle oughtta be good!

In the royal bedroom, Victoria complains about how thirsty Lord Pam is for the public’s love. Albert tells her she’s just as bad (and he’s right; remember last episode when she cried by a fountain for not getting 100 likes on her Instagram post?).

However valid, Victoria is not here for personal criticism and promptly shuts it down: “It is your prerogative to favor me with analysis, mine to disregard it. Now I wish to sleep. Goodnight!”

In the dead of night, Lord Pam sneaks into Disney Princess’ room and smells her shoulder. Except it’s not her shoulder! She and Xenadora switched rooms!

Xenadora smiles to herself. Blackmail is on the menu! He thought he could outmaneuver her? Ha!

Remember earlier in this recap when I prayed to a higher power for this vacation to feature something resembling the gay skinny dipping waterfall scene? Well, guess what…

New Footman randomly wakes up in the morning and gets completely butt naked for a swim!

I guess Victoria’s full body swimsuit wasn’t really his style?

I love how unnecessary and shameless this scene is. It’s as if the Victoria writers are taunting the Poldark writers: Oh, you always have your male characters swim without their shirts on? Hold my beer.

By all means, keep one-upping each other.

Back at the palace, Xenadora is in full blackmail mode with Lord Pam.

Xenadora: “The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would…

*SHE THEN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH!!!*

…swell, if they learned about last night. Don’t sulk. It doesn’t suit you.”

Victoria might be the Queen of Britain, but Xenadora is the Queen of Petty, and I live for it!

In the newlyweds’ nest, the Victoria writers find another way to stick it to Poldark by prominently featuring a naked Hot Italian Chef partly covered by a bed sheet. It’s hard to hear over the sound of his chest hair, but the lovebirds are still disagreeing over whether Babyface Maid should resign or not.

Hot Italian Chef: “In any one day, you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty.”

Babyface Maid: “I think we just made pretty good use of it.”

She makes a good point!

In another part of the palace, Lord Pam is looking at some creepy baby limbs.

Why are these a thing, other than to give us all nightmares?

Anyway, the lady who cockblocked Lord Pam and Disney Princess appears and tells him the following:

“Disney Princess is out of bounds, not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of our own complications.”

Everyone is messy this season. I love it!

Later that day, Disney Princess finds Lord Pam in the garden and is all over him. Lord Pam is not receptive.

Lord Pam admits that yes, he could totally rock her world cause he’s really great at sex, but he doesn’t feel like it. This is the face you make when you don’t get to cheat on your evil husband:

May I suggest a cold bath? Not in Albert’s bathroom though. That kinky Hercules painting will just get you all riled up again.

On her way to maybe take my advice, Disney Princess runs into New Footman and yells, “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” in his face. This is no way to treat the guy you’re most likely going to hook up with two or three episodes from now!

New Footman isn’t fazed by her rudeness though and offers her a handkerchief and a brief TEDTalk about the wonders of skinny dipping in the sea. Oh, just make out already!

Inside, Babyface Maid finally works up the nerve to quit. Huzzah! Now she gets to enjoy Hot Italian Chef’s chest hair for more than 20 minutes a day!

This doesn’t put the Queen in a celebratory mood though. Victoria, I know it’s not fair that Albert doesn’t have any chest hair, but you can draw some on if it really bothers you that much!

At dinner that night, Albert grades Bertie’s homework…

…and continues to quiz him because surely this kid isn’t that dumb, right? Bertie screams, “I DON’T BLOODY KNOW!” Before Albert can discipline him, Victoria says, “Please don’t bully my child!” Then she throws a drink in his face because why not:

Masterpiece Theater presents The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace!

This is the most entertaining thing to happen at a ritzy dinner table since Lord Grantham puked blood all over the place.

Ah, memories…

Later that night, Xenadora makes Victoria feel better about disrespecting her husband in front of everyone: “One quite understands. The wine was not good.”

A stand-up comedy star is born! And a two-timing one at that. Moments after ingratiating herself with Victoria, Xenadora runs to Albert’s side to tell him, “Repeated childbirths make women stupid.”

Speaking of rudeness, after Babyface Maid is finished brushing Victoria’s hair before bed, she asks, “Will that be all, your majesty?” to which Victoria pointedly says, “Apparently so!” That’s a weird way of saying “Thanks for everything! Congrats on marrying a furry man! Let’s definitely keep in touch!” Victoria didn’t throw wine in her face though, so I guess that’s something.

Another day, another skinny dip. (Take that, Ross Poldark!) Mean Butler (the eye roll drumming moment was awesome, but he loses rights to his proper name cause I still hate him) fires New Footman for missing church and being a part-time nudist. Where’s the ACLU when you need ’em?

In the driveway, now that they both realize they’re cut from the same fame-whore cloth, Victoria and Lord Pam decide to be friends, paving the way for Xenadora to take over as our Season 3 villain. Pass me the popcorn.

Upstairs, Disney Princess happens to ask about the whereabouts of “that large fellow” and finds out he’s been canned. That large fellow? His name is Your Future Baby Daddy, so have some respect!

The next day, Albert is still waiting for Victoria to say, “Hey, my dude, sorry for throwing a drink in your face in front of everyone for no reason.” Instead, she says she’s returning to London and he can stay behind if he wants.

Downstairs, Disney Princess makes up a story that New Footman was running an errand for her during church and must be rehired. We are one step closer to New Footman writing a declaration of love on a big piece of poster board! Skinny dippers of the world, rejoice!

After a long travel day, the gang is back in London and pulling up to Buckingham Palace. Things are very tense in Victoria and Albert’s carriage. He breaks the tension by adding even more: “The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored.”

Meanwhile, Xenadora is leaning into her new role as Season 3 Villain by looking out of her carriage like an absolute weirdo.

That night, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid chat about their next chapter and embrace in the kitchen. Sensing joy, Mean Butler shows up to extinguish it: “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Hot Italian Chef responds, “I’m comforting my wife. What are you doing?”

Mean Butler thinks, Oh, nothing much, just living a miserable, empty and lonely existence, and then promptly has an existential crisis.

Upstairs, Victoria tries to barge into Albert’s room. Only trouble is he already thought to lock her out. Outraged, she kicks the door and storms off. Xenadora’s evil plan is working!

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Victoria’s Childhood Tutor. They really should have gotten around to teaching her that humans can’t breathe underwater.

HONORABLE MENTION: The Isle of Wight Tourism Bureau. Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y’all (and your naked butts) at the beach!

BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef’s chest hair and New Footman’s butt. I’m usually annoyed when this show inundates us with new characters, but these newbies can stay.

SILVER: Xenadora. Validating drink-throwing by saying the wine sucks? Comedy gold. Looking at Lord Pam’s crotch, while saying the word ‘swell’? A boss move. How can you not appreciate this face-twitching weirdo?

GOLD: Albert. I know. I’m just as surprised as you are that he’s getting this prize two weeks in a row. But he keeps offering up great lines:

“YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!”
“He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!”
“HE DOESN’T READ!”
“This boy’s refusal to learn is… PREPOSTEROUS!”

Plus, he was pretty cool about having that drink thrown in his face. Cheers to him for deciding not to be insufferable this season!

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Finale Recap: It’s a Hard-Knock Life

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside

‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

↧

Why the New Michael Jackson Documentary Won’t Have the Impact ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ Did

January 28, 2019, 1:02 pm

≫ Next: The Surprising Feminism of Gordon Ramsay’s TV Kitchens

≪ Previous: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

If anyone ever needed a reminder of the awesome power of documentaries, Surviving R. Kelly provided a particularly impactful one. Since the docuseries aired, Kelly has been dropped by RCA, denounced by former collaborators, become the focus of one investigation in Georgia, another into his studio in Chicago, seen his ex-manager served with an arrest warrant, and had his music banned by at least two radio stations. After years of dodged bullets, Surviving R. Kelly brought about a major shift in how the world views the R&B star.

A new documentary about Michael Jackson, titled Leaving Neverland, is hoping to prompt a similar change, by exploring the stories of two men who say Jackson sexually abused them. “Through gut-wrenching interviews with the now-adult men and their families,” the film’s press release states, “Leaving Neverland crafts a portrait of sustained exploitation and deception, documenting the power of celebrity that allowed a revered figure to infiltrate the lives of starstruck children and their parents.”

The two-part, four-hour film by director Dan Reed, premiered at Sundance over the weekend and will air on HBO in the spring. Weeks ago, news that it even existed was greeted with strong condemnation by Jackson’s estate, which said: “This is yet another lurid production in an outrageous and pathetic attempt to exploit and cash in on Michael Jackson.”

Jackson’s nephew Taj spoke out on Twitter:

I’m so tired of these lies about my uncle. MJfam, I see all your comments and messages about wanting to fight back. I doubt the media wants to learn the truth or is even interested in it. Negativity sells. But please post below on what we all can do to expose this documentary.

— Taj Jackson (@tajjackson3) January 10, 2019

Jackson supporters were also quick to respond. “I’m absolutely sick of it,” says British fan, Charlotte Childs. “The man was found innocent! I didn’t blindly accept that; I did my research and read the court transcripts. There’s a lot of stuff going on in the fan community right now—petitions and rebuttal videos are in the works.”

A couple of them surfaced before the film did. One accused Leaving Neverland of defamation. Another—a movie trailer parody—called Jackson’s prior accusers “blatant liars.” Pressure was so great on Sundance that, weeks in advance, the festival was forced to release a statement to confirm it would not be removing the documentary from its lineup. It also provided an increased police presence at the first screening, in anticipation of protesters.

Jackson fans have a history of leaping to his defense fiercely and fast. And there are a lot of them. You’d be hard pressed to find a musician whose work is as universally loved as Michael Jackson’s. His impact was so enormous, it’s fairly difficult to find anyone between the ages of 25 and 75 who doesn’t, in some way, have an emotional connection to his music. In the end, if the rumors about him are proven true—and some viewers at Leaving Neverland‘s premiere were definitely leaning in that direction—it will be a pop culture loss the likes of which we’ve never seen before.

Jackson cuts a more sympathetic figure than most famous men who’ve come under the #MeToo microscope, in part because he is no longer alive, and because, when he was, he was frequently viewed as a vulnerable victim of both press and circumstance. Two musicians I interviewed about Leaving Neverland before its release both separately used the phrase “easy target” in relation to Jackson and the accusations made against him.

And while Jackson and R. Kelly both suffered difficult, abusive childhoods, in adulthood, Jackson made sure we never stopped thinking about his. He cultivated an image of a man-child; isolated, sensitive and given neither the opportunity to reach adulthood on his own terms nor a chance to grow into a truly independent, free person.

The publication of his 1988 autobiography, Moon Walk, established an ever-present pain in Jackson’s persona and subsequently left behind a residue of public guilt. If he hadn’t spent his childhood over-worked and on tour, the story went, he wouldn’t need an amusement park and a zoo at his house as an adult. The implication is that the fault of his eccentric behavior and habits lies, at least partially, with a public who adored him too much.

Some of the elements of Jackson’s persona were specifically designed to elicit this response in fans. In a recent Vanity Fair story, journalist and longtime friend Lisa Robinson talks of Jackson’s “two voices he could produce at will.” One was the gentle squeak he used for public appearances, the other was, in Robinson’s words “lower,” “more ‘normal’,” and reserved for private conversations.

Interestingly, Robinson’s story reflects exactly how the public most likes to think about Jackson. It focuses on a catalogue of interviews that she conducted with him between 1972 and 1989 (four years before the first child molestation trial). What happened in Jackson’s life after those interviews is summed up in a single paragraph:

“Before the onstage crotch grabbing, before the disfiguring plastic surgeries, before the peculiar disguises, before the suspect marriages, before the mysteriously conceived children, before the rumored drug addictions and insomnia, and even before…the hospital stays, the alleged family estrangements, the profligate spending, the grotesque tchotchke hoarding, the over-the-top fantasyland ranch…and certainly way before the child-molestation accusations and trial, Michael Jackson was one of the most talented, adorable, enthusiastic, sweet, ebullient performers I’d ever interviewed.”

That’s the Michael Jackson the world most fondly, and often, remembers. Because for almost 20 years, he was simply one of the greatest talents the world had ever seen. When your great first impression lasts two decades, people are able to hold onto it, regardless of what comes later.

The result of that is that Michael Jackson has never really fallen out of favor. Just this month, fashion giant Louis Vuitton honored Jackson in a special runway show that attendees were invited to via bedazzled, single white gloves. One of January’s most popular viral videos was that of UCLA gymnast, Katelyn Ohashi, performing an exhilarating routine soundtracked by Michael Jackson and his siblings. Thriller Live, an MJ musical, is now enjoying its “record-breaking” tenth year in the heart of London’s theater district.

This is all despite the horrific claims that were made during the 2005 trial—sleepovers with children, Jackson giving them wine (which he called “Jesus Juice” and “Jesus Blood”), “triple-locked secret closets” and, most shocking of all, “an extensive collection of photos featuring naked teenage boys.” The crowds outside the courthouse were unwavering in their dedication to Jackson at the time, and many of them remain so today.

“I look at it this way,” Las Vegas fan, Chris King says. “Corey Feldman has been a pedophile exposer now for years. No mention of Michael. Macaulay Culkin has been out of the spotlight for 15 years and not a peep from him either. Going back to childhood, I never believed it.”

Another lifelong fan, who asked to remain anonymous, acknowledged that she doesn’t hold Jackson accountable in the same way she does other musicians. “I flip out that Drake is texting a 13-year-old girl, and I think R. Kelly is a monster, but I know I’ve also victim-shamed the kids that accused Michael. Which is crazy. When the first trial happened, I saw it as an attack on my idol. It happened at a time when public information was a lot more limited, so I essentially went on my gut and the verdict. It’s much easier to go with the things that back up my faith in him, and believe this was about those kids needing money than it is to accept what I don’t want to hear.”

Just how many people will avoid Leaving Neverland for those same reasons is impossible to predict. But the response it received before the emergence of so much as a trailer, speaks volumes about our nation’s relationship with both Michael Jackson, and, more generally, America’s musical heroes. It’s clear that, regardless of what comes out in the film, there are a great many people who will keep Michael Jackson firmly on his pedestal, whether he deserves it or not.

↧

The Surprising Feminism of Gordon Ramsay’s TV Kitchens

January 30, 2019, 6:22 am

≫ Next: ‘Black Earth Rising’ is a Fascinating Take on the Rwandan Genocide

≪ Previous: Why the New Michael Jackson Documentary Won’t Have the Impact ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ Did

The culinary world’s rampant sexism is well-documented. Data USA reports that 78.4% of chefs and head cooks are men, despite the fact that, since 2009, women and men have been attending culinary school in almost equal numbers. The women who do make it into kitchens typically make much less ($28,300 annually, versus a man’s $34,500) and of America’s 25 highest-paid chefs, only three—Rachael Ray, Paula Deen and Ina Garten—are women.

This is not an issue that’s specific to the USA. In Holland, only 10 percent of professional chefs are women. In the UK, it’s 18.5 percent. And, out of Britain’s 172 Michelin-starred restaurants, only 10 have female head chefs. In 2017, the dire consequences of this industry-wide inequality were revealed when the New York Times and Washington Post exposed sexual harassment and assault at the highest echelons of the culinary world. But the media at large is not always so helpful. In 2013, Time‘s “Gods of Food” issue, for example, featured zero women chefs on its main list. The only two that managed to get a mention were relegated to a side panel.

The only kitchens in the world where women may have a realistic hope of being treated equally are, arguably, those with television cameras in them. And, surprisingly, it’s the reality TV kitchens headed by Gordon Ramsay that seem to do the best job. It makes almost no sense. Ramsay has been appallingly sexist in public on several occasions. In 1999, he said he didn’t like employing female chefs because “they only work three weeks a month” and “How can you shout at someone who’s four months pregnant?” In 2013, he held up an image of a naked woman on all fours with the face of a pig, and told a 3,000-person audience that it was Tracy Grimshaw, an Australian journalist who had interviewed him the day before.

And yet on Ramsay’s TV competitions, despite the fact that the judges are almost always men, women thrive and, more often than not, win. Of 17 seasons of Hell’s Kitchen, 11 of the winners are women. So were five out of the first six winners of MasterChef. One, Courtney Lapresi, talked openly about her work as a stripper and suffered zero judgment for it. (Shows like America’s Next Top Model have proven far less tolerant of sex workers.) Another winner, Whitney Miller, was just 22-years-old and sweet in a way that you’d expect to rub Ramsay the wrong way. Other female winners have included a blind Asian-American woman (Christine Hà) and a Latinx single mom who is now a judge on Masterchef Latino (Claudia Sandoval). Only two of the nine MasterChef winners have been white men—the demographic most likely to dominate professional kitchens.

Having a 50/50 male-female contestant split at the start of every season offers a level playing field that simply does not exist in the real world yet. And the stakes are high—both MasterChef and Hell’s Kitchen give a prize of $250,000 to the winner, as well as an international cookbook deal and a head chef position at one of Ramsay’s restaurants, respectively. What’s more, during eliminations, Ramsay has been known to offer some contestants either jobs with him or loans to launch their own businesses.

It’s possible that Ramsay’s attitude adjustment is thanks, at least in part, to Claire Smyth. In 2002, she had the distinction of being the first woman Ramsay ever hired to work in one of his kitchens. After becoming a head chef for him in London, she acquired three Michelin stars, an MBE and the accolade of best female chef in the world. She acknowledged how tough it was to get there in a 2007 interview, saying: “It took me a long time to earn respect. I had to work twice as hard. I could never say I was tired or I was sick or I had cut my finger because the response would have been: ‘It’s because you’re a girl.’”

If Smyth demonstrated to Ramsay what a woman could do in a professional kitchen, Angela Hartnett proved it wasn’t a fluke. After being mentored by Ramsay, she too was awarded an MBE and Michelin star. She opened his Boca Raton restaurant, Cielo, in 2007.

Praising Gordon Ramsay for finally treating women as equals feels a bit like giving someone an award for no longer kicking you. But in 2017, he was ranked the fourth most successful chef in the world. Ramsay has a public profile and international visibility that is unrivaled in the industry. As such, the importance of the example he is setting cannot be overstated. Not only are contestants’ lives changed by the prizes and education these shows offer, the success of women on them serves as both an “If you can see it, you can be it” inspiration to viewers, and a demonstration to the industry that women are just as capable of running a kitchen as men are. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need TV shows to prove that, but until things get better across the food industry, MasterChef and Hell’s Kitchen offer us a glimpse of just how much better things could be.

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‘Black Earth Rising’ is a Fascinating Take on the Rwandan Genocide

January 30, 2019, 4:00 pm

≫ Next: All the Mr. Rogers Gifs You Need to Believe in Humanity Again

≪ Previous: The Surprising Feminism of Gordon Ramsay’s TV Kitchens

April will mark the 25th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide, a 100-day period in which world leaders stood idly by as more than 800,000 people—Tutsi minorities and moderate Hutus—were murdered by the majority Hutus, who had been whipped into a homicidal frenzy by their leaders.

The fallout from this killing spree is the subject of a clunky but fascinating BBC drama, Black Earth Rising, just out on Netflix. It was made by Hugo Blick, whose award-winning 2014 series The Honourable Woman used a deliriously serpentine plot to explore the Israeli-Palestinian conundrum.

Blick’s up to the same tricks in this new eight-part series, which offers us the gaudy goodies of a thriller—murders, chases and shocking revelations—in order to interest us in a tragedy whose aftershocks are still rocking Africa today.

Rising British star Michaela Coel plays the role of Kate Ashby, a 30-ish Rwandan who, as a little girl, was rescued from the 1994 genocide by human rights lawyer Eve Ashby—that’s Harriet Walter —who adopted her and raised her in London.

Eve and her American boss Michael Ennis (played by John Goodman) are dedicated to prosecuting those who turned Central Africa into a killing field. All of which is fine until Eve goes after a Tutsi general who, after helping end the genocide, went on to commit war crimes in neighboring Democratic Republic of Congo. Kate is outraged. How can her own mom go after a man who saved Tutsis like herself from slaughter?

This tricky question gets even trickier once Kate finds herself working with Michael on a second case, this time defending a Rwandan government minister from a war crimes charge brought by the French. As the two cases cross-pollinate, Black Earth Rising races from London mansions to Congolese mining camps, from Parisian police stations to the presidential offices in the Rwandan capital of Kigali. Meanwhile, Kate—whose childhood trauma keeps her inner life churning—burns with a righteous anger that blinds her to the past’s full complexity.

Michaela Coel plays a survivor of the Rwandan genocide in the BBC/Netflix miniseries, 'Black Earth Rising.' — Michaela Coel plays a survivor of the Rwandan genocide in the BBC/Netflix miniseries, ‘Black Earth Rising.’

Now, Black Earth Rising is decidedly not one of those current-events potboilers like Bodyguard or Homeland. It cares less about ratcheting things up than reminding us that history is vast, messy and ever-changing. Kate’s exploration of her past helps us understand the Rwanda genocide and its violent aftermath. We get details of how Belgian and French policies helped fuel the killing, and how colonialism still works today. We see how the Tutsi leaders who currently run Rwanda have created an orderly but dictatorial state. And more abstractly, we see how hard it is to define justice in a world where onetime heroes start doing bad things and fate transforms villains into victims.

Of course, it would take a lifetime to capture the complexity of all these things, and Black Earth Rising is only an eight-hour TV series. Although Blick tries hard to do justice to his subject, his ambition has a cost: The dramatic side of the series can be wobbly. Some of the dialogue is thuddingly expository, some of the plot twists feel mechanical, some of the symbolism is overbearing. And our heroine, Kate, is less a three-dimensional character than a walking emblem of Central African trauma.

Yet Coel plays Kate with such incandescent intensity that she keeps us riveted anyway. In fact, the whole series is superbly acted. There’s a winningly ambiguous turn by Lucian Msamati as the confidant of Rwanda’s president and a brilliant one by Goodman who, in Michael, aces a dream role—he gets to play smart, witty, soulful and, heck, even sexy.

In the show’s opening credits, we hear Leonard Cohen performing his song “You Want It Darker” in his incomparable hound-of-hell growl. Yet Black Earth Rising is actually about seeking the light. As Kate learns the buried truth about the past—her own and her home country’s—she begins to escape its clutches, transforming herself from an innocent victimized by history into a wised-up woman who’s trying to make it.

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All the Mr. Rogers Gifs You Need to Believe in Humanity Again

February 1, 2019, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Natasha Lyonne Anchors the Riveting ‘Russian Doll’

≪ Previous: ‘Black Earth Rising’ is a Fascinating Take on the Rwandan Genocide

The past few years have been tough, to say the least. At times, I’ve found myself questioning whether people are still good at heart. That’s when I turn to my sure-fire way of snapping back into believing in humanity again: anything to do with the King of Nice, Mr. Rogers.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, the recent documentary about his legacy of kindness, was rudely snubbed for an Oscar nomination this year (add this to the evidence that the world has gone off-kilter). But no matter; the film is still excellent and coming to KQED airwaves on February 9, 2019, at 8 pm! To help bide the time between now and then, let’s luxuriate in all the animated gifs of Mr. Rogers we could ever want:

With this ceremonial striking of the gong, let the coziness begin!

I wasn’t lying about the coziness. The only thing Koko the gorilla loved more than kittens was Mr. Rogers. And who can blame her?

Everyone knows about Mr. Rogers’ love of cardigans in any color. But he also has other interests.

Like ice-skating right into our hearts.

Or eating a balanced (and bizarre) breakfast.

Or living his Little Mermaid fantasy.

Or being an understudy for the creepy clown from It.

Or teaching children non-rude uses for their middle fingers.

Mr. Rogers can barely throw and catch a football. Stars: they’re just like us!

Not being good at football doesn’t mean he isn’t agile though!

Look at him move!

The swag is undeniable.

The audience at The Arsenio Hall Show agree.

He’s probably the only person who could get away with scaring the crap out of us by putting his face up against our living room windows.

He’s also the only person who can get away with wearing pants above his belly button.

Am I the only one on the verge of tearing up looking at this gentlest of touches?

Even if I am, I don’t mind ’cause Mr. Rogers says we’re all special in our own ways.

And that he celebrates us no matter what.

What a wonderful human being. I don’t know about you, but I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of this post. Belief in humanity: restored!

If you want another strong humanity-affirming dose of Mr. Rogers, watch Won’t You Be My Neighbor? on February 9, 2019 at 8 pm on KQED!

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Natasha Lyonne Anchors the Riveting ‘Russian Doll’

February 3, 2019, 9:14 pm

≫ Next: ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I’ll Be Missing You

≪ Previous: All the Mr. Rogers Gifs You Need to Believe in Humanity Again

A woman whose curly red hair spills past her shoulders stands in front of a bathroom mirror as a party rages outside. She looks at her reflection. People bang on the door to get in. She turns and leaves, through a door with a handgun for a handle, out of the bathroom where the areas of the walls and door glow with blotches of chilly blue light. As she leaves, two women push their way past her into the bathroom, and she moves into the room where the party is. Friends swarm around her. A woman cooking in the kitchen offers her a joint laced with cocaine. Something is wrong. She is a quick-witted New York game designer who seems to smoke in part for the smoking itself, but also in part so she can gesture, in quick little jabs, with her cigarette. And she can’t figure out quite what’s going on. “What was I just doing?” she asks her friend.

This is, I think, as much as I can tell you about the premise of Russian Doll, an eight-part series premiering on Netflix Friday, except that the woman is named Nadia, and she is played by the genuinely inimitable Natasha Lyonne. Lyonne created the series along with Amy Poehler and playwright/director Leslye Headland.

Lyonne has been around a long time. She was a child actor on Pee-wee’s Playhouse and in Dennis the Menace. She was in American Pie. She did small, well-regarded films in the late 1990s, most notably Tamara Jenkins’ Slums of Beverly Hills and Jamie Babbit’s But I’m a Cheerleader. Most recently, she’s one of a group of actresses who got wonderful boosts from appearing on Orange Is The New Black. There, she plays Nicky, whose addictions continue to haunt her in prison. Lyonne was nominated for an Emmy for the role.

She’s always been a good actress, and still, Russian Doll feels like a revelation. Lyonne is not only the purest version of herself in it, but Nadia is an improvement, in this project Lyonne co-created, on every character she’s played that has nearly captured her particular energy. Nicky on OITNB, for instance, is a very Natasha Lyonne role, as it were, but Nadia is more so. Lyonne can seem, as a Guardian profile once noted, like someone who “has a weird ability to grow more appealing the gnarlier her character and surroundings get.” But Nadia isn’t a character bigger than Nicky. She’s not broader. She’s just so specifically conceived. It’s a performance where the actor understands the character so well, down to every little gesture she makes, every twitch of her face, that it’s startling, at times, to remember she’s fictional.

It’s a tough show to review, because I’d like to tell you all about its pleasures—how clever it is, how intelligent about people, how intelligent about the isolation of knowing you’re the only person who knows the truth about your own situation and even you know only some of it.

But I don’t even want to tell you what kind of show it is, because its tonal turns are among the narrative elements that make it effective. That gun-shaped doorknob. Those glowing blue splotches. Is it supernatural? Is it a crime show? Nadia certainly has a way with a clever line; is it a comedy?

Not exactly, not exactly, and not exactly.

This much spoils nothing: unlike many streaming shows, Russian Doll is only as long as it needs to be to tell its story. The eight half-hour episodes maintain their momentum, which is particularly tough in a story that, by its nature and its exploration of a certain kind of déjà vu, isn’t precisely linear. The series bends and breathes, introducing other characters into Nadia’s life (I don’t even want to tell you who!), giving away more and more of her fundamentally New York kind of humanity, never wavering in its conviction that she is fascinating enough to carry this entire story.

And at the center is Natasha Lyonne, playing a character so human that if you opened your own bathroom door and found her standing there, it wouldn’t be all that surprising.

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‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I’ll Be Missing You

February 3, 2019, 9:26 pm

≫ Next: Super Bowl Ads 2019: Stunts, Self-Deprecation And Celebrity Sightings

≪ Previous: Natasha Lyonne Anchors the Riveting ‘Russian Doll’

In the previous episode of Victoria, Disney Princess was all over Lord Pam and got brutally rebuffed.

Guess she’ll have to cheat on her husband with someone else. #RichWhiteLadyProblems!

Babyface Maid resigned so she can live happily ever after with Hot Italian Chef and his chest hair, but Victoria was not happy for her, maybe because her husband doesn’t have luscious locks on his pecs? There’s always the Magic Marker fix!

Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace and threw a drink in Albert’s face in front of everyone, and now they’re not on speaking terms.

Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let’s find out!

War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.

Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!

Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie’s refusal to be smart.

Victoria’s take: Sure, I almost drowned last episode because I never got the memo that humans can’t breathe underwater, but I still don’t see why it’s so important to know things.

Albert’s take:

As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he’s coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:

In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!

Speaking of which, that’s exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It’s the kind of joke that’s not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because… well, just look at him.

Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.

Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She’s still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.

Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria’s and says, “Don’t worry. I will never desert you”, followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.

Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess’ and says, “Remember, everything you’re fond of belongs to me!” Wow. So, with what’s happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:

Just.

Say.

No.

To.

Marriage.

Because there isn’t enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children’s corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It’s very sad, don’t get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that’s all I can focus on right now!

The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.

Because it’s been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled “Science Rules, Creationism Drools” is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger’s sour fart in an elevator.

Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn’t mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore… because she’s pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:

Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that’s a grand idea.

Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what’s causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn’t think that’s a good idea: “You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn’t eat meat… or fish!”

As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:

And this is how we see ourselves:

Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn’t a care in the world… until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON’T DO THIS, VICTORIA WRITERS. I MEAN IT!

Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.

New Footman: “You weren’t at dinner. It was very quiet.”

Disney Princess: “Is my voice so loud?”

New Footman: “…when it’s the only thing I hear.”

I’m feeling equal parts, this:

And this:

The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:

He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.

Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she’s still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!

Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and…

Actually, you know what? I don’t care.

At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid’s bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, “Do you want me to do your hair, Ma’am?”

Vegetarian Doctor can’t do anything because it’s the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves ’cause she can’t stand to watch Babyface Maid die.

Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: “I should have married you sooner. It wasn’t long, but it meant everything.” Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, “Nancy? Nancy?” before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.

Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I’m done.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper.

GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid. I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef’s chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don’t hear me crying.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Finale Recap: It’s a Hard-Knock Life

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

‘Victoria’ Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It’s Cold Outside

‘Victoria’ Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C’mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies