Ivy League law schools aren’t the only places you can find a future president, as one Redditor found when stumbling upon this forgotten 2001 appearance by then Illinois state senator, Barack Obama, on PBS’ Check, Please!  3 years before the rousing DNC speech that shot him to national fame, Obama talks diplomatically about cornbread and peach cobbler. He even manages to work in a talking point about small business owners! Some things never change.

By Kayti Burt

Even if you’re not a fan of The Hunger Games, you can probably list several items off of star Jennifer Lawrence’s filmography. But what about the franchise’s other Lawrence? We’re referring to director Francis Lawrence, who took over direction of The Hunger Games film franchise from Gary Ross following the first installment. Lawrence’s visual flair and talent for building cinematic worlds similar to our own made him an ideal choice for the job. Though Lawrence demonstrated these skills in I Am Legend and Constantine, it was his dual role as director and producer for the TV series Kings that really showed his potential to take on the final three The Hunger Games films.

Haven’t heard of Kings? You’re not alone. The television drama was a mid-season premiere for NBC back in 2009, and it didn’t last long, despite its compelling plot, stunning visuals, and solid ensemble cast. Loosely based on the story of King David from the Bible, Kings is set in an alternate modern day world in the kingdom of Gilboa (New York City stands in for the capital city Shiloh). The story begins when our young protagonist, David (Christopher Egan), a Gilboan soldier serving in the war against the Republic of Gath, takes out a Goliath-class tank to save some of his fellow soldiers — one of whom happens to be the son of King Silas (Ian McShane). David is whisked off to the capital for a celebration in his honor and is able to witness first-hand the machinations of the monarchy, a system into which he is reluctantly pulled.

Kings is the perfect companion to The Hunger Games franchise. It’s The Hunger Games if it took place almost entirely in the Capitol with President Snow as one of many main characters.  In addition to sharing a director  — Lawrence directed three episodes of the show’s 13-episode — Kings shares a number of defining aspects with the YA franchise…

The reluctant hero trope: Katniss and David are very similar heroes. Both hail from humble backgrounds and are thrust into the spotlight via reluctant acts of heroism. Unlike many in their respective worlds, they don’t vie for celebrity or power; these things are unwanted side effects of their desire to protect the people they love. Both have lost their fathers to the demands of the nation — Katniss’ father died in a mining accident, David’s father in the Unification War — and both are torn between the simpler lives they left behind and the demands of the cause that has ensnared and changed them.

Worlds similar to our own: Both Kings and The Hunger Games franchise do a wonderful job of building an alternate reality that somehow manages to feel both eerily similar to our own and distinctly different, allowing the storytellers to make unique comments on our own contemporary reality. In a video interview Lawrence did with TVWeb at the 2009 San Diego Comic-Con, he described the power of this alternate reality effect in Kings:

“Whenever you have a story, whatever it is, you always want it to be somewhat relatable to today and, the great thing is [the King David story] almost just transplanted over, and so it fit everything that’s sort of going on in the world right now. And then, when we were building our version of the monarchy, and sort of getting rid of the real royalty of it — the sashes and the medals and the pomp and circumstance and all that — and you start to make it feel a little corporate and presidential, it starts to sort of line up to the way things are working right now in America, which is pretty interesting. It’s working out to be kind of a nice allegory.”

The same could be said of Panem, a vision of a dystopian future that has more in common with our current reality than many viewers would like to admit.

Strong ensemble casts: I don’t need to tell you about the acting heavyweights represented in The Hunger Games series, but Kings boasts a similarly impressive cast. Led by the inimitable Ian McShane in a role fresh off of his turn in Deadwood, other familiar faces include, Arrow’s Susanna Thomas, The Winter Soldier’s Sebastian Stan, and Terra Nova’s Allison Miller — and that’s just the royal family. Macaulay Culkin, Leslie Bibb, Dylan Baker, and Wes Studi all fill either regular or recurring roles in the series.

Effective visual propaganda: One of the most striking visual parallels — besides Lawrence’s talent in blending the gritty with the beautiful — is the iconic visual language of the stories’ respective political movements. In Kings, the butterfly is a ubiquitous motif, a tool Silas uses to represent the narrative of his rise to power. In The Hunger Games, its equivalent is the mockingjay, for which the third and fourth film installments are named. Though this similarity may seem minor, Lawrence imbues both examples of visual propaganda with a weight lesser directors often fail to achieve. The butterfly and the mockingjay aren’t just symbols for the characters; they are an ever-shifting measure for the audience on who is winning, who is losing, and who doesn’t even bother to play the game.

Kings is available to watch in its entirety on Hulu.

Are there other on-screen stories that remind you of The Hunger Games? Sound off in the comments below.

By Maria Judnick

Years ago, Thanksgiving dinner meant getting dressing up in your Sunday best, going to Grandmama’s house and eating a meal fit for the pages of Gourmet served on her best china. While the caloric intake of Thanksgiving feasts has remained the same (or perhaps even increased!), the celebration looks a little different today. Great Uncle Bob might have his favorite pair of sweatpants on at the celebration since he’s too old to care about appearances, the kid’s table might consist of unhappy hipster youth staring dourly at their phones while communicating with other unhappy hipster youth similarly trapped at holiday meals states away, and the entire gluten-free (with vegan options) feast might have been lovingly planned and prepared by the good folks over at Whole Foods/Paycheck.

But, once the food’s been eaten, the political controversies have been sorted out, and you’ve once again confirmed that, no, your mother’s not getting any grandbabies this year, the traditions stay the same. You might have watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade earlier that day and, now that the turkey’s tryptophan has worked its way into your system, it’s time for some television in the den. But after the last football game has sent the men in their recliners into a deep snore and Charlie Brown has headed over to his grandma’s, what else is there to watch?

Here are some ideas to help everyone – both young and old – enjoy a good old fashioned night in front of the TV:

For the classic TV Fans:

The Brady Bunch – “The Un-Underground Movie”

Your grandma might not know how to work YouTube, but she sure can remember how much she loved watching The Brady Bunch with her kids, a.k.a. your parents. This episode, in which Greg directs a film about the pilgrims while learning valuable lessons, is sure to inspire plenty of nostalgia.

For the Baby Boomers:

Cheers – “Thanksgiving Orphans”

Everyone at this feast sure knows each other’s names. This episode, in which the Cheers staff and regulars gather at a potluck celebration, ends in this epic food fight that would make Animal House’s John Belushi proud.

For the Family Historians:

The Wonder Years – “The Ties that Bind”

With money tight at the Arnold household, Jack asks for a raise – and gets it, along with a promotion – but he also has to travel on Thanksgiving. Luckily, while traditions get upended that year, all things work out in the end, thus making your Aunt Mildred very happy.

For the Generation Xers and early Millennials:

Seinfeld – “The Mom and Pop Store”

This classic episode is Bryan Cranston’s first appearance on the show as Jerry’s dentist Tim Whatley. While plenty of hilarious Seinfeld hijinks ensue, this episode features Elaine accidentally rejecting the dentist’s advances since she can’t hear him over the loud music of his Thanksgiving party. Jon Voigt also makes an appearance.

For those Crazy, Comical Relatives You Can’t Help But Love:

Home Improvement – “A Frozen Moment”

If you feel like your family holiday has been a disaster, all you have to do is tune in to the Taylor’s Thanksgiving to remind yourself that it could be much, much worse…and also much, much funnier. In this episode, Tim “the Tool-Man” Taylor builds a Christmas Village in hopes of taking the perfect Christmas card photo. Of course, things never go quite according to plan.

For the Intellectuals and Politically Aware:

West Wing - “Indians in the Lobby”

It’s hard to pick between the two fabulous West Wing Thanksgiving episodes – “Shibboleth” and “Indians in the Lobby.” But, as much as I enjoy C.J. Cregg’s attempts to pardon two turkeys in “Shibboleth,” the classic funny moment belongs to President Bartlet as he speaks to the Butterball Hotline in “Indians in the Lobby.” Fair warning: both episodes may also inspire Round Two of Thanksgiving political discussion.

For Your Later “Framily” Get-togethers:

Friends ­– “The One With All the Thanksgivings”

Sure, there are definitive ranking systems available online for all the fabulous Friends Thanksgiving episodes. And while I’m sure some channel will be offering a mini-marathon of all of those episodes, I always go back to the Season 5 one because I’m such a sucker for the Monica / Chandler storyline.

For the Netflix Enthusiasts:

Gilmore Girls - “A Deep-Friend Korean Thanksgiving”

We wish we were as popular as the Gilmores, who manage to cram in four Thanksgiving celebrations in one day – The Kims, Sookie and Jackson, Luke, and Grandma and Grandpa Gilmore. However, we’re pretty content to just watch the massive amounts of food consumed.

For the Cartoon Enthusiasts:

The Simpsons – “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”

It’s an early season of The Simpsons and also a great episode. After Bart accidentally ruins Lisa’s centerpiece, he runs away to a soup kitchen only to return to apologize and enjoy a dinner of leftovers. Don’t have a cow, man – it all works out in the end!

Grumpy Cat, the angriest kitty you’ve ever loved, makes her acting debut this Saturday in Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. (But why bother telling you? You’ve either had the date circled on your calendar for weeks or are learning about its existence right now.) With this Lifetime movie, Grumpy Cat joins an impressive list of animals that have been featured in Christmas-based entertainment over the years.

In honor of her big premiere, we’ve ranked the best of the holiday animals on a lovability scale from Ebenezer Scrooge at the beginning of A Christmas Carol to Ebenezer Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol. (In keeping with the theme of the list, Ebenezer Scrooge is portrayed by Donald Duck.)

 Bad Scrooge

Stripe, Gremlins (which totally counts as a Christmas movie)

Stripe is basically pure evil in scaly bipedal form. He tied up the family dog with Christmas lights! Oh, and he murdered a lot of people and traumatized a whole generation of children who were far too young for the movie and to this day cringe a little when “Do You Hear What I Hear?” starts to play.

The Abominable Snow Monster, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Sure, he plans to devour Rudolph’s entire family, but Abominable Snow Monsters gotta eat, you know? In the end, he loses his teeth and presumably embarks on a life of vegetarianism, which is kind of a downer for a mythical carnivorous ice beast.

That jerk reindeer, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

How dare he? Grandma was a saint! In addition, the reported number of incriminating hoof prints discovered at the scene might lead you to believe that this was something more than a “tragic accident.”

The Bumpus’ dogs from A Christmas Story

In their defense, what hound dogs aren’t going to seek out that sweet, sweet turkey without sparing a single thought for the loss of turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey gravy and even turkey hash?

Snoopy, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yep, Snoopy’s closer to the bad Scrooge than the good Scrooge on this list, but there’s a valid reason for that: He’s kind of the villain in this beloved holiday special. Whose tacky doghouse wins first prize in the decorating contest? And whose overall decorating scheme comes to represent everything his owner hates about the hollow commercialism of the season? Man’s best friend, indeed. Thankfully, Snoopy gets a redemption arc when he helps turn Charlie Brown’s sad tree into something beautiful using decorations pilfered from his own display.

Rudolph, Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer

Rudolph seems like a decent-enough reindeer, and he can’t help the color and luminosity of his nose. It’s nice to see him prevail at the end of the song/movie, saving the day and triumphantly leading Santa’s team. But isn’t there a small part of you that hears this story and thinks back to your own early teenage days when you were either the bully or the bullied? Rudolph, despite his moxie and eventual happy ending, brings back some unpleasant junior high memories.  Sorry, Rudy.

The squirrel, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Never has mass hysteria been more accurately depicted on screen than the Griswold clan’s flight from the squirrel living in their Christmas tree. It starts with a funny squeaky sound and ends with people fainting, mothers getting knocked to the ground, Julia Louis-Dreyfus surviving a mauling, and an important warning about the high cholesterol in squirrels. Let this be a reminder to always buy your Christmas tree from an approved vendor.

Paws, The Search for Santa Paw

Paws is a fine canine who’s good to orphans, loyal to his owner, and exemplary in every way. In fact, he’d be closer to good Scrooge if the movie’s casting director, who clearly hates children, hadn’t picked a Santa who looks like he enjoys a healthy glug of Wild Turkey in his morning eggnog, if you know what I mean.

Mice wearing tiny antlers, Scrooged

They’re mice. Wearing tiny antlers. Mice wearing tiny antlers!

Zeus, The Dog Who Saved Christmas

Where would Christmas movies be without orphaned children and animals at the pound? Not only must Zeus overcome losing his bark and protecting his home from burglars, Culkin-style, but he does so while being voiced by Mario Lopez and out-acting co-star Dean Cain.

Zero, The Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack Skellington’s ghostly pal is part Rudolph, part childhood nightmare, and all loyal companion. With those credentials, he’s obviously the best choice to lead Jack’s team of skeleton reindeer as they fly his coffin-sleigh in his semi-hostile takeover of Christmas.

Emmet Otter, Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

The star of Jim Henson’s 1977 Gift of the Magi-esque Christmas special, Emmet is a dirt-poor resident of Frogtown Hollow who hopes to win money in a talent show so he can buy his mother a Christmas gift. Emmet is the quintessential downtrodden yet plucky holiday hero who’s a charming mix of optimism and naïveté. (And a puppeteering marvel, too.) Plus, he plays a mean washtub.

Max, Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

No Christmas animal is more sweet-natured or ill-treated than the Grinch’s poor dog. There’s Max, frantically working the foot pedal of the ancient sewing machine. Max, slumping under the weight of the antler tied to his head. Max, straining to haul that overloaded sled as the Grinch loots Whoville. Max does what his master asks of him and is finally, finally rewarded with love, praise and a slice of roast beast. May we all have such happy endings.

 Happy Scrooge

The question, then, is where Grumpy Cat will fit into this list of Christmas creatures. The plot outline on IMDB fits several of the circumstances outlined above:

• unadopted in a mall pet store
• meets a precocious child
• talks to said child
• rescues said child
• learns meaning of Christmas
• voiced by Aubrey Plaza (which, OK, is not in any of the descriptions above — but it should be)

Will the movie be good? Who knows! Will it be entertaining in some fashion? Most certainly! After you watch it, hit the comments to weigh in on whether you think Grumpy Cat belongs on the old Scrooge or the new Scrooge side of the list.

Last week’s live TV musical production proved once again that Peter Pan will never grow old for audiences, at least not where ratings are concerned. Thanks to Christopher Walken prancing around in a pirate costume and a pink parasol as Captain Hook, Allison Williams as Peter Pan surprising viewers with a smooth singing voice (and a mostly passable British accent), and Nana (Bowdie, a rescue dog from Utah) stealing every scene she was in, the network was able to help people mostly forget the kitschy, B-movie quality of last year’s NBC musical revival The Sound of Music with the stiff Carrie Underwood. Although Peter Pan did well in the ratings (although far below The Sound of Music’s historic numbers), the reviews were still relatively mixed, demonstrating that, when it comes to live musicals, everybody’s a critic.

NBC’s announcement of next year’s live musical, The Music Man, based off the classic 1957 Meredith Wilson songbook – already has some reviewers wondering how they’ll manage to pull off this complex show. Who can possibly play Harold Hill better than Robert Preston from the 1962 film? What about filling Shirley Jones’ shoes as Marian the librarian? Can they fit all seventy-six trombones on a single soundstage?

Of course, The Music Man is a relatively safe choice for NBC to make. They don’t have to worry as much about audiences expecting a new actor to overcome a true legend in their role or any politically incorrect situations or language. And while they don’t have to compete against any upcoming films or theatre debuts, NBC needs to hope viewers don’t remember the flat and uninspired remake ABC attempted in 2003 with Kristin Chenoweth and Matthew Broderick.

Still, if I had anything to do with the casting decisions, there wouldn’t be trouble, not right here, not in this new River City. Here’s some of my more inspired ideas:

• Stephen T. Colbert as Harold Hill: Okay, I get it, it’s a bit unorthodox to cast a quirky comedian in the title role when there are legitimate Broadway stars like Hugh Jackman to consider. But, after Broderick’s version of this character, I believe it’s important to think outside the box. We already know Colbert can sing (his Christmas sing-alongs are quite good) and his Colbert Nation  fanatics would rally viewers behind him. Best of all, thanks to The Colbert Report, viewers already know that he’s good at playing characters who aren’t exactly always telling the truth, a strong plus for his ability to play the conniving Harold Hill.

• Kristen Bell as Marian Paroo: Thanks to her time on Veronica Mars, Kristen Bell fans have realized she’s great at witty one-liners, a must for Marian Paroo. And, of course, her vocals on that endlessly-popular little film called Frozen have proved she just might have the pipes to pull off a new arrangement of the complicated “Goodnight, My Someone.”

• Bernadette Peters as Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn: Broadway fans will be thrilled by this selection and NBC can rest easy knowing that someone in the ensemble has a strong background in live theatre. Besides, have I mentioned already that she’s the Bernadette Peters? After not being cast in the new Into the Woods film (Meryl Streep was given the role of The Witch, which Peters originated), it also might be a small moment of redemption for the incomparable actress.

• August Maturo as Winthrop Paroo: Unfortunately, Ron Howard has outgrown his part as Marian’s lisping little brother in The Music Man film. However, seven-year-old curly-haired Maturo has stolen many scenes on the show Girls Meets World, and surely would be able to do a convincing scene as the Wells Fargo Wagon comes to town.

• Jimmy Fallon’s Ragtime Gals (with Justin Timberlake) as the Mayor’s Barbershop Quartet: There’s nothing quite like seeing the mayor’s entourage break out into beautiful a capella melodies. While it might be hard to think about how to cast these roles, Jimmy Fallon has made the job easy. The other members of the quartet, Tom Shillue (a comedian) or A.D. Miles (one of Fallon’s head writers) could easily play the mayor if Fallon and Timberlake are too busy.

• Dulé Hill as Marcellus Washburn: Sure, Buddy Hackett is always fun to watch as Harold Hill’s only friend in River City, Iowa, and the only person who knows the new band leader’s real scheme in the town. However, Dulé Hill has strong credentials as a tap dancer and, thanks to his years on Psych, proves well-suited for a straight-laced “buddy” role. If the Psych musical and his stint with Broadway’s After Midnight taught viewers anything, it’s that Hill is a triple threat; his songs were the hit of both shows.

Of course, The Music Man isn’t the only iconic show that NBC executives could pick to prepare for 2015. I’ve got plenty more suggestions for the network from James Marsden as Conrad Birdie in Bye, Bye Birdie to Patton Oswalt as Tevye the milkman in Fiddler on the Roof to Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Danny Zuko in Grease so no viewer ever has to suffer through a bad remake again. Hollywood, I await your call.

It’s Thursday, which means you’ve either just listened to this week’s Serial episode or are taking a break to savor it. Those of the second persuasion have a good strategy going because there’s only one more Serial episode left (everybody, freak out!). You’re going to need something to fill the serialized crime documentary shaped hole in your heart and I’ve got just the thing.

The Staircase is a Peabody Award-winning French miniseries (8 whole episodes of WTF) by Jean-Xavier de Lestrade. The documentary crew is on the scene almost immediately after novelist Michael Peterson’s wife is found dead at the bottom of a set of stairs in their home. Was it an accident or a murder? With each episode, there is another twist, another bombshell, and your beliefs about what actually happened and who is accountable morph one way and then the other.

You’ll hear from Peterson’s children who believe him and the one who doesn’t. You’ll see how both sides of the case go about building a case from scratch for trial. And you’ll bear witness to tense cross-examinations and all the high drama of the courtroom. Just like Serial, the series unravels a gripping mystery, step by step, and highlights the slippery, elusive nature of the truth.

Watch The Staircase in its entirety on YouTube:

American television is rife with British characters, so much so that it’s reasonable to assume that at least one of your favorite shows includes a main character with a funny accent (probably of the posh English variety). But is the reverse true? Do the British have an equal representation of American characters on their telly? Not even close.

Our culture’s Anglophilia may tip the scales, but that doesn’t mean the occasional Yank doesn’t pop up on British television. How do we Americans fare in our representation? It varies, of course, but — as is often the case with many British characters on American TV — American characters on British TV come with their fair share of stereotyping. Looking past the monolithic trope that is The American Idiot, here are the five kinds of Americans portrayed on British television.

The Valley Girl

Ask a real-life British person to do an American accent and they will frequently attempt a Valley Girl. Heavy on the “like”s and “OMG”s and often unfortunately light on the substance, The Valley Girl trope pops up in both British and American pop culture. One of our favorite examples comes from The Catherine Tate Show (the comedian is also known as Doctor Who’s Donna Noble). Tate may be conflating an entire diverse demographic into one identity,  but she manages to do it with some serious charm. Perhaps it’s my status as an American who has been known to drop a “like” or “OMG” into a conversation, but I would be friends with The Valley Girl from this sketch.

Less likable yet much more extensively featured than Catherine Tate’s Valley Girl, Classic Doctor Who companion Peri also falls into The Valley Girl category. Originally from California, her character often falls into the ditzy behavior and emphasis on appearance associated with this trope. Nicola Bryant, the actress behind the role, was actually British and infamous for her terrible American accent made more noticeable than the British slang used in the script.

The Cowboy

I rarely see cowboys in real life, but they show up all the time as Americans on British television, especially several decades ago. In a 1978 episode of Britain’s long-running comedy Are You Being Served?, Mrs Slocombe’s American uncle from New York comes to her wedding wearing an actual Stetson and reinforces the idiot American stereotype like it’s going out of style.

Other times, The Cowboy trope is less in the aesthetics and more in the attitude. The Classic Who episode “The Tomb of the Cybermen” (1967) features a gaggle of American soldiers, including Captain Hopper, an uncharacteristically competent representation of a Yank. The manly Captain Hopper spends much of the episode off-screen fixing his ship, but still manages to find some time for heroic feats.

This wasn’t the first time cowboys made an appearance on Doctor Who. The first U.S.-set episode — “The Gunfighters” (1966) — saw The First Doctor hanging with Wyatt Earp and Johnny Ringo.  Cowboys were big in early Who, and a go-to representation of an American in British television of yesteryear.

The New Money

The British are known for their period dramas, and none has been more popular in recent years (both domestically and internationally) than Downton Abbey. Unlike many British shows, Downton Abbey has a main character who is American: Cora Crawley (played by American Elizabeth McGovern). Though Lady Cora’s Americanness is often counted as a black mark on her character in English society, her family’s money allows for her foreign birthplace to be overlooked. This is a common trope when it comes to Americans popping up in British drama: The New Money.

“Don’t worry about me, I’m an American. Have gun, will travel!” — Cora

In British drama, The New Money American is a symbol of change in a dying imperial world.  They are usually seen as less culturally refined than their Old Money counterparts, but the manner in which they are treated as characters varies greatly. For Cora, though she is often teased for her more outgoing, casual (read: American) way, she is a resilient, well-developed character who is more than just her Americanness.

The Playboy/Playgirl

Americans on British television tend to be much more promiscuous than the British characters who surround them. Sometimes, it’s played as a character flaw, as is the case with Cora’s playboy brother Harold (played by American Paul Giamatti) in recent episodes of Downton Abbey. Other times, it’s played as part of an American’s charm, as is the case with Doctor Who/Torchwood‘s enigmatic Captain Jack Harkness (played by American/Brit John Barrowman).

Other examples include Peep Show’s Nancy (played by Canadian Rachel Blanchard), who manages to shoehorn the American stereotypes of being uber religious and a New Age hippie with her identity as a sexually adventurous lady.

The Operative

Often American characters appear on British television as operatives. They may not be the main villain, but they are players in the game, if not as members of the actual C.I.A., then as covert corporate players. The American Operative is often threatening, but not always frightening — more of a nuisance than anything. They are hardly ever the brains behind the operation, but that doesn’t stop them from shows of snarky confidence.

Jekyll’s Benjamin (Brit Paterson Joseph), a psychopathic employee of Klein & Utterson hired to control Tom (a.k.a. Jekyll) and Hyde, is a particularly effective variety of The American Goon, while the C.I.A. agents in Sherlock’s “A Scandal in Belgravia” prove worse at their jobs.

Do you have any more examples of American characters/stereotypes on British television? Share them in the comments below!

Friends! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Downton Abbey recaps! How have you been? How is your pig farm? Your missing/dead spouse? Your murdered valet? Your orphan child? Are you ready to get back into the mud? Get dirty and not talk too much about our feelings? Because here we go!

The music is starting and the dog is walking toward the house and the bell rings for someone. Maybe it’s you! Want to get caught up before we get started on Season 5? Here’s the recap from last year’s finale. As before so it will be again: SPOILER ALERT. Now, to the Abbey.

We begin with Edith on a bicycle! Such a modern woman! Where could she be going, a woman on her own, unescorted?? Well, to spy on her baby of course! Michael, her almost-husband, is obviously still missing and yes, we have a new baby on the block, but this baby is so low class she plays with laundry! Outside! Oh, Edith, please rescue this baby!

In the drawing room, it is 1924. Rose is still living at Downton. As they are wont to do whenever youngs and olds mix in the drawing room, things get political and nonsensical, and Robert makes sure his first line of the season is problematic, saying: “I couldn’t care less if he [the prime minister?] was the son of Fu Manchu.” Class warfare starts early this season.

Tom Branson jumps in with some comment about how he wants to “support the school more” (with romance because he loves the teacher!).

For whimsical and cuteness reasons, we get all the babies and Isis, the dog, in a single scene. They are all getting so big! Maybe it’s time for a spin-off series?

In the kitchen, Daisy and Patmore are back in action! Things are getting really descriptive—Hughes gets in a bunch of explanatory stuff about the general situation of service people in Great Britain and then Daisy does her adorable baby impression, talking fancifully about the distant future of 1958. By my calculation, Daisy is like 86 at this point in Downton Time. Why is she still talking like a baby?

Back at the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith’s baby appears distressingly to be about the same age as Baby Sibby and Baby Whatever Boy Name, unless maybe she’s just a huge baby and a future basketball legend? Sobbing as she leaves, Edith is clearly not 100% cool with her farmed-out baby situation. Don’t cry though, Edith! Your baby is named Marigold!! Best name on the show yet. I’m naming all my babies Marigold! No one take that!

The old ladies go for a walk and talk about boys boys boys. This would not pass the Bechdel test. The Dowager Countess starts the season strong by telling Mrs. Crawley that her new suitor just “wants what all men want.” So funny because sex! And old people! Ewwwwww!

Back at Downton, Thomas and the cute footman Jimmy are flirting in the dark corners. Carson catches them and is not cool with the obvious sex talk. Hey, Carson, everyone’s doing it, bro. Stop being such a prude!

In the drawing room, Rose is clearly taking Sybil’s place. Doesn’t anyone remember Sybil?! Her of the original rebelliousness and the actual style? R.I.P. Sybil. I’ll never forget you and your slender ankles.

Downstairs, the Bateses do some more explicating and backstory-ing and Thomas does his Thomas-y thing and sneaks up behind the current target of his maliciousness, Baxter, and tries to pump her for information. Is this Thomas’ season? Will he finally take down Downton, causing the sun to go dark and the water to dry up, and rule the grounds and the village like Scar did in Simba’s absence?

Things get political before dinner downstairs. They also get political upstairs in bed.

Very Important Plot Point Alert: The Village War Memorial. Where will it go?! Carson, it turns out, is “a considerable figure in the village” and some ladies want him to chair some committee that will oversee this Very Important Plot Point.

As usual, a second crucial plot point comes through the mail: James is getting a ton of love letters from Old Boss the Cougar.

At the Dowager House, Robert chats with his mom about how sad he is that the village wants Carson to head a committee and not him. Mommy is like “Your dad wouldn’t have stood for that.”

At Downton, more mysterious mail arrives! This time, it’s for Daisy! Drama! Suspense!

Carson is still deciding whether or not to chair this stupid committee and it is going to tear this family apart! The very fabric of society is threatened. Whatever choice he makes will change history, I’m sure of it! (Look, I’m trying to pep up this incredibly dull memorial/Robert’s ego based plot line until we can get back to Edith’s illegitimate baby.)

Robert tells Cora she doesn’t need to know the details about Tom’s School Teacher. Ladies don’t need to busy their tiny heads with details, Cora. You should know that by now!

Mary, the cold, feelingless monster, is super stoked that the village likes Carson more than her dad. She just likes to see her family feel bad, for whatever reason.

At the school, Tom’s School Teacher love interest is so modern! She’s not even wearing a hat!

At the Dowager House, Violet interrogates one of Mrs. Crawley’s many suitors, the doctor. Is Violet trying to set up some sort of geriatric love triangle? How bored is she?

In front of a fire, Robert pretends he so doesn’t care that the village likes Carson more than him. Mary, in a strange moment of “kindness”, says to her dad: “I want you.” Not super appropriate, Mary. This is 1924, not, I don’t know, some time when incest was popular or social acceptable.

On the stairs, Thomas threatens Baxter. As usual. Again.

Upstairs, Edith romantically touches a book. Could this book please be a clue to the whereabouts of Marigold’s father?

In the kitchen, Daisy reveals that her mail was about a course she’s taking because, as she says: “I want to be grown up!” Hey, girl, you’re in, at the very least, your late 20s at this point. You’re a grown-up. Or…does she have some sort of disease that keeps her young forever?? Oh no, she’s just dyslexic. Is this dyslexia the reason Thomas has been able to trick her so many times? I didn’t realize being susceptible to villains was a side effect of dyslexia. Maybe it’s just an unrelated condition she also has. Guys, Daisy’s dyslexia will be a plot point. Mark my words

In a bathroom somewhere, Molesley dyes his hair black.

In an office somewhere, Rose the Little Upstart tries to convince Tom to bring the School Teacher to the house. Oh, Rose! First you consorted with an African-American jazz singer and now you encourage your cousin-in-law to see a school teacher?! When will it stop?! My heart can’t take this sort of scandal-induced stress!

In the library, the Granthams lie about how happy they are that the village wants Carson on a committee.

In an alley, Edith talks with Baby Watcher about Marigold, Best Baby Yet. The farmer tells Edith he knows she is Marigold’s mom. Really? What gave it away? The shirt she always wears when she’s visiting that says “World’s Best Mom of a Marigold!”? Or was it the tears?

Downstairs, Carson delivers to Hughes the one-line summary of this episode: “But he was sad, not at me but maybe because things are changing.”

The Bateses flirt mercilessly over cards in the downstairs dining room. We get it. You’re in love.

Jimmy and Thomas flirt mercilessly over cigarettes. We get it. You’re in love.

Violet continues on whatever scheme she’s on that seems like maybe it actually doesn’t involve setting Isobel up? She makes a Pride and Prejudice joke, which allows us to forget about our confusion momentarily.

In the hall, Molesley counsels Baxter on how to deal with Thomas of Dark Corners. How is he the voice of reason here? How is he the only one who realizes that, in all situations, Thomas is the villain, forever, always, until he dies?

In the drawing room, the music swells as the Grantham girls eye Branson and start scheming away some sort of plan for the parents’ anniversary.

Downstairs, the Help Cartel (Carson/Hughes/Patmore) discuss Daisy’s seditious desire to learn basic math.

Upstairs, Mary and Mrs. Bates finally have a few minutes alone for Mary to say rude things and make oblique references to sex followed by comments about how gross it is to talk about sex. Hey, Mary, remember that time you basically had sex with a dead guy?! That seems pretty gross to me, but I guess I’m a total prude. Guess who’s not though, suddenly? Mary! Who tells Anna that she totally believes in checking out the equipment pre-maritally! Bow chicka wowow.

Downstairs, Carson sets up Bates to be the valet for Lord Gillingham—oh, my favorite of Mary’s suitors, the Pirate!—whose previous valet was, oh you know, just Anna’s rapist who was murdered by Bates!!

Rose ambushes the Hatless Political School Teacher at the school to convince her to come to the anniversary party. Uh oh. Lord Grantham is gonna be so piiiiisssssssssed. Good old Rose.

Somewhere, Violet’s Torture Isobel Tea gets underway. The love triangle appears to be taking on more complex shapes. Violet should potentially take up knitting. She’s clearly bored out of her skull and is playing around with Isobel’s life for a laugh.

Tony the Pirate shows up in the library. He and Mary flirt about guns.

At tea, more flirting: this time, the doctor with Isobel. Isobel gets jealous over the other, fancy man suitor who seems to be overly enjoying Mrs. Shackleton (so many characters—I’m going to need to check the fan wiki to see if we’ve met her before).

Thomas steals a pair of shoes and corners Baxter in a shoe shining room and threatens to tell her story to her ladyship. What is her story?! It’s probably worse than she once invited a school teacher over, at least, that’s what her terrified crying is saying to me…

The Pirate, Mary and Tom walk in the foggy woods with guns. Who will die today? Mary tells the Pirate she’s a Buddhist. Or maybe a sociopath. She says: “Tony, I do love you, you know, in my cold and unfeeling way.”

A familiar looking stranger sweeps into Downton, her car apparently having broken down. Suddenly, the third-tier Jimmy plot is becoming clear. This is the old lady who’s in love with him. I mean, she’s not that old…

Out of nowhere, Lord Grantham gets inappropriate again: “Molesley, you look very Latin all of a sudden. Do you have Italian blood?”

Maybe the hair dye did contain a transfusion of Italian blood, if Italian blood makes you into a wise, good person, because once again, Molesley is the only voice of reason in the whole house, telling Baxter to just tell Lady Grantham whatever her terrible story is (she knows a school teacher, she is a quarter Italian, she put the soap on the floor that caused the Lady to slip and lose her baby).

Upstairs, Baxter tells Lady Grantham her big secret. She’s a super duper thief who did prison time for stealing jewels. Now, if there is one thing I know, it is that whatever Baxter’s motive for her crime, which she will not yet reveal as a British person who values her dignity and the slow pacing of a good plot over everything else, whatever her motive, it will completely exonerate her from everything. Like, probably the people she stole the jewels from were Nazis and she gave them back to the Jews the Nazis originally stole them from. Or something.

Upstairs, Murderer Bates menacingly brushes the Pirate’s coat, fishing for info on the person he murdered.

Downstairs, Baxter and Molesley talk about trust. So romantic. This is clearly the romance of the season.

In the hall, the Old Boss Cougar sexually harasses Jimmy hard.

In the drawing room, all the plots converge as the School Teacher enters and Lord Grantham looks on aghast.

The older ladies are also here, clearly a bit miffed with each other about the earlier tea party. Violet works hard to remind Edith about the Downton caste system. Oh, Violet, did you not hear Carson announce the theme of the episode?

In the dining room, Lord Grantham objectifies Lady Grantham by calling her “a bumper prize.” Way to rub in the fact that she’s alive to the many, many people in the room with dead spouses.

The Old Boss Cougar continues to openly fondle Jimmy at the dinner table.

The School Teacher gets political about the war memorial. She apparently hates stones. And wars, but mainly stones. Which of course makes Robert super pissed. Hey, guys, aren’t there rules about talking politics with old people at dinner? Or was that instituted in the Reagan years?

Oh no! The School Teacher calls out Robert’s saddest thing: the fact that the village hates him and doesn’t want him on their committee. Things get wild, by which I mean everyone goes silent and tries to avoid eye contact. Carson, as usual, rescues the whole thing by concocting some lie about how the village totally actually really does like Lord Grantham. The old ladies get their dander up a bit. Isobel defends the School Teacher for standing up for her anti-stone principles and Violet says: “Principles are like prayers—noble, of course, but awkward at a party.” Put it on a shirt!

Carson continues to keeps his eyes on all developing situations and demands that Jimmy show him a note the Old Boss Cougar passed him at dinner. Thomas comes to his aid. Oh, definitely, Thomas is someone you want coming to your aid, Jimmy. Totally. Great idea.

In the drawing room, the School Teacher announces she wants to meet the staff downstairs. Okay. We get it. Political. Branson sure has a type.

Edith sighs deeply in a corner of the drawing room so Mary comes over to torment her in a not sweet or sisterly way.

Prediction: The School Teacher has to go downstairs so she can meet Daisy, offer to teach her math, diagnose her learning disability and then save the day by teaching her strategies to deal with it!

At the bottom of the stairs, Thomas tries to tell Cora about Baxter the Thief’s horrible shameful past and it backfires! Cora sort of calls him out. Thomas is probably going to murder Baxter.

In the library, Branson and Robert exchange heated words, which quickly become unheated. Mainly, they say the word “lover” in a sort of uncomfortable way.

In Cora’s bedroom, Honorable Baxter refuses to reveal her criminal motivations. But Cora never fires a lady’s maid, even when they kill her unborn baby, so Baxter gets a reprieve. For now!

Downstairs, Carson tells Molesley that his sad dye job is dumb.

In her room, Edith throws the old Michael clue book at the fire and starts crying. And then it catches on fire. Is Downton about to burn down?

In the hall, Tony the Pirate sneaks into Mary’s room like a good pirate and Thomas and Jimmy, who are about to engage in some illicit behavior of their own, see him. Great. More ammo for Thomas. Can we please fire him, like, yesterday?

In Mary’s room, Tony has clearly overheard Mary’s talk with Anna and he says: “I want us to be lovers, Mary.” Lovers: the word of the episode!

Unfortunately, as the fire breaks out, Thomas gets to be a hero. Sand is thrown, hoses unfurled, babies rescued, and Jimmy is caught in a compromising position with Old Boss Cougar. Firefighters dressed as knights show up and everything is okay enough for Mary to tell the Bateses: “Lady Edith chose to set fire to her room, but we’re all fine.”

Robert fires Jimmy for his naked wrestling and conveniently one of the firefighters is the Baby Watcher and Hughes, of course, knows something is up when she sees Edith consorting with him, but Hughes probably already knows everything anyway because she’s Hughes!

And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Tony the Pirate: The Pirate is hot and I am so glad Mary chose him over the much-less-pirate-y Pig Farmer. He hasn’t done much yet, but I believe in him.

4. Marigold: The newest baby also hasn’t done much yet, but come on, she’s named Marigold! Plus, her dad is in a camp somewhere starving to death and her mom is setting houses on fire due to sadness and she’s being forced to play with laundry, while her cousins are probably swimming in pools of gold pieces and eating chocolate.

3. Violet: She had some misses this episode, but her prayers-at-parties line was solid. I hope the fact that she left the party early doesn’t mean she’s dying!

2. Molesley: He’s really coming into his own now that he’s 52! His pathetic guise may make him the perfect person to take down Thomas. Fingers crossed!

1. Mary: I used to hate Mary, but somehow, her consistent nastiness is growing on me. She’s a horrible, horrible person and she knows it. I can’t wait to see what kind of emotional damage she inflicts this season!

See you guys next week!

We just finished an incredible year of television drama, and 2015 promises to be just as good. New projects from beloved creators, risky genre mashups, and further expansion in what constitutes television promise to make this year another groundbreaker. Here are 11 exciting television projects to look forward to.

Galavant

Galavant isn’t breaking the TV mold so much as betting on the fact that audiences are missing the more family-friendly fare that once had a regular place on network TV (something Jane the Virgin and Flash have recently proven). A musical fairy tale comedy about a down-on-his-luck knight, I’m getting some serious Spamalot vibes from the promo. If it’s half as good as the Monty Python musical and manages to sustain creative momentum in both storytelling and soundtrack, Galavant could be something special. Of course, it could just as easily be a spectacular failure, but we applaud its kooky ambition and its diverse cast, and the immense fun they seem to be having. Early guest stars include John Stamos, Weird Al, and Ricky Gervais.

Premiere date: Sunday, January 4th at 8pm on ABC.

Agent Carter

Another network mid-season filler, Agent Carter is the newest addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe—and the first MCU property to be led by women both in front of and behind the camera (Tara Butters and Michelle Fazekas will serve as showrunners). The eight-part miniseries will pick up shortly after the events of Captain America: The First Avenger in 1946 as Peggy Carter deals with a post-war America. Working for the Strategic Scientific Reserve by day and going on missions with S.H.I.E.L.D. founder (and Iron Man’s dad) Howard Stark at night, Agent Carter seems like the perfect mix of Alias’ spy drama and The Hour‘s mid-century office period piece.

This promising set-up is bolstered by an excellent returning cast from the Captain America films (namely, the talented and charismatic Hayley Atwell in the lead role, but also notably Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark). The first installment was penned by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely,  writers of both Captain America films, with the second written by Eric Pearson, who was responsible for writing the superb Agent Carter short film that inspired the television series.

Premiere date: Tuesday, January 6th at 9pm on ABC.

Sense8

We’re not sold on the name of the upcoming Netflix drama, Sense8, but that may be the only reservation we have for the newest project coming from the Wachowski siblings (a.k.a. the directors of The Matrix, Cloud Atlas, and the upcoming Jupiter Ascending), created in collaboration with J. Michael Straczynski (creator of Babylon 5). Given that the Wachowskis are known for their visual flair and philosophical storytelling, while Straczynski is considered one of the first TV creators to bring long-form serialized storytelling to television, it’s hard not to get excited about this project based on its creators’ pedigrees alone, but the show is also incredibly ambitious in its scope and refreshing in its casting.

Set and filmed in locations around the world — including Nairobi, Reykjavik, Chicago, London, Mexico City, and Mumbai — Sense8 tells the story of eight strangers who become emotionally and mentally linked following a tragic death. Familiar faces include Naveen Andrews (Lost’s Sayid), Freema Agyeman (Doctor Who’s Martha), Bae Doona (Cloud Atlas, The Host), and Daryl Hannah, along with a diverse cast of actors from Spain, India, and Germany, as well as a transgender actress.

Premiere date: T.B.D. on Netflix

Bloodline

So far, Netflix has kept many of the details concerning its new drama Bloodline shrouded in secrecy, but I’m putting anything starring Kyle Chandler on my must-see list based on Friday Night Lights withdrawal symptoms alone. This drama about four adult siblings whose  dark pasts are brought to the surface upon the return of their black sheep brother to the Florida Keys is brought to you by the men behind Damages, which probably means edge-of-your-seat storytelling.

The moody teaser trailer has a similarly dark and mysterious aura about it, but will it capture the same narrative energy as the FX drama?  Given that all 13 episodes will be simultaneously released in March, we don’t have to wait long to find out. This project is a collaboration between Netflix and Sony Entertainment, the first of its kind between a major movie studio and a streaming service, making it interesting on a production level as well as a narrative one.

Premiere date: March 2015 on Netflix

Shannara

MTV is throwing its hat in the high fantasy drama ring with an adaptation of Terry Brooks’ classic series Shannara, a swashbuckling epic set several millennia in our future after a global apocalypse has simultaneously wiped out life as we know it and brought back magic. The 10 episode order will draw material from the second book in the series, The Elfstones of Shannara, and has Arrow‘s Manu Bennett and The Carrie Diaries’ Austin Butler signed on to star. This is an exciting and surprising move for MTV, another bold step away from its reality past to a schedule featuring more original drama content.

Premiere date: T.B.D. on MTV

Westworld

Who isn’t looking forward to Westworld? Husband-and-wife team Jonathan Nolan (co-screenwriter for The Dark Knight, Interstellar, etc.) and Lisa Joy (writer for Burn Notice, Pushing Daisies) are spearheading the HBO re-imagining of the 1973 Yul Brynner cult hit, bringing some thematically diverse backgrounds to what is already an awesome concept. The Westworld film, written and directed by Michael Crichton, tells the story of two tourists at an adult-themed amusement park of the future who are hunted by a Western gunslinger robot. Presumably, the television series will follow a similar narrative. With an all-star cast for the pilot, including Anthony Hopkins, Evan Rachel Wood, James Marsden, Thandie Newton, Jeffrey Wright, Miranda Otto, and Ed Harris, this TV show has a lot of promise.

Fortitude

Described by The Guardian as “Twin Peaks in the arctic,” this British drama series is not the most watchable on this list, but that isn’t a critique. Fortitude tells the story of a murder in a small Scandinavian town and, from the looks of the trailer, it will be just as brutal and dark as you’d imagine life in the Arctic to be. The series has brought on some amazing talent, such as Michael Gambon, Stanley Tucci, Sofie Gråbøl, and Christopher Ecclestone. Add a unique setting and an expansive budget to this great cast, and there’s no good reason to not make room for Fortitude on your TV schedule.

Premiere date: Thursday January 29th at 10 p.m. on Pivot

iZombie

The CW has been on fire this season with its new shows, and we’re hoping the network will continue its streak of excellence with its midseason premieres, especially comic adaptation iZombie. A series about a zombie morgue assistant who eats murder victims’ brains and uses the memories she absorbs to solve their murders is a little high-concept, but the show is helmed by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas. We’d watch iZombie based on that fact alone, but we have to admit its odd premise and comic book origins have us seriously intrigued.

Premiere date: T.B.D. on The CW

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell

Adapted from the bestselling tome of the same name, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell is a seven-part British fantasy series set in an alternate version of early 19th century England, where magic is possible, but no longer practiced. The source material is nothing short of magical (forgive me), and the adaptation has secured screenwriter Peter Harness (Doctor Who‘s “Kill the Moon”) and director Toby Haynes (Sherlock‘s “The Reichenbach Fall,” one of the best episodes of television in the last few years) to bring it to the screen.

Premiere date: T.B.D. on BBC America

Cucumber/Banana/Tofu

If the title confuses you, it’s because it actually refers to three separate shows being broadcast across three different British channels. The shows share the same subject matter, queer life,  and exist in the same narrative universe, interweaving across station and series borders. Here’s hoping there’s as much storytelling as shock factor. With TV veteran Russell T. Davies at the helm and In the Flesh‘s Luke Newberry as one part of a great ensemble cast, we have high hopes for the emotional resonance of this quirky drama.

Premiere date: Cucumber and Banana will air on Logo TV in early 2015, but — so far — there are no plans to broadcast Tofu in America.

Killjoys

Bounty hunters. In space. Are you convinced yet? That is the premise for SyFy’s upcoming Killjoys, a drama from Michelle Lovretta (creator of the excellent Lost Girl) and the studio that brings us Orphan Black. We’re hoping this show has the same fast-paced storytelling and female-centric narrative that have made both Lost Girl and Orphan Black so refreshing and watchable. Hannah John-Kamen, Aaron Ashmore, and Luke MacFarlane play three interplanetary bounty hunters chasing targets through a planetary system on the brink of class war. There aren’t enough space dramas on TV. Could Killjoys be the drama that fills the Firefly-shaped hole still in many of our television-loving hearts?

Premiere date: T.B.D. on Syfy

What TV shows are you most looking forward to in 2015? Sound off in the comments below.

In case you missed our season premiere recap and/or have been living under a rock that doesn’t have TV or internet access, Downton Abbey is back! Every year at this time, a few of the actors hop over the pond to grace America’s awkward talk show circuit, where the main remark is always “Wow, you all look so different in regular clothes!” Thankfully, Entertainment Weekly changed it up and asked Lady Edith, Mrs. Patmore, and Mrs. Hughes to play Cards Against Humanity. And you thought you’d never hear these ladies discuss bitch slaps, balls, and farting and walking away.

Friends! The ash has settled and we’ve arrived at the second episode of Downton Abbey Season 5! (Missed the first? Read all about it.) I can hardly wait! Is Downton still standing? How does Lord Grantham feel about how the village feels about him?! As usual: Spoiler Alert. Here we go!

The servants begin cleaning Edith’s charred remains of a room (echoing the charred remains of her life perhaps?) and Anna finds a picture  of Marigold and shows it to Mrs. Hughes. So much for that secret.

The committee and Carson walk with their new obnoxious patron, Donk. By the way, something I missed last episode was that Baby Sibby is now calling Lord Grantham “Donk” after the donkey in Pin the Tail on the Donkey. In memory of Baby Sibby’s perfect mother, I will henceforth refer to Robert Grantham as Donk. Anyway, the village and Carson want the memorial on the cricket field and Donk wants cricket on the cricket field. Classic Donk: putting sports over human lives.

Thomas and Jimmy have a strange parting, in which Jimmy starts by saying he can’t believe he’s friends with a real life homosexual and then adds, “I’m sad to see the back of you, I am.” Really, writing team? That’s an interesting choice. The music swells.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore loads a huge tray for Molesley, which is a perfect time for Molesley to ask for a promotion to first footman (he’s definitely going to drop that tray).

In the dining room, everyone talks about Baby George (stop talking about your kids and go hang out with them!) and Mary calls Edith an idiot, which everyone pretty much ignores. Mary then lies to her family and tells them she is going on a “sketching vacation” with her friend “Annabell.” It’s a sex vacation, Mary. That’s what it’s called.

Tensions build between Carson and Donk over the location of the war memorial. Sigh. So this plot really is sticking around for another episode…

Rose thinks about asking for a radio and Donk nearly has a heart attack.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, the Baby Watcher (Hot Firefighter) sets Edith up to “take a greater interest” in Marigold. His wife is not super cool with that because Marigold is so cute and perfect and her name is Marigold, but the Baby Watcher pushes on.

At a tea for the old people, Violet totally calls Isobel out about her Fancy Lord Suitor in front of her Doctor Suitor. Daaaang, Violet is cold! Players have to play, Violet. Let Isobel play!

On the stairs, Thomas channels his sadness over Jimmy leaving by harassing Baxter and Gallant Mr. Molesley. Talk to a therapist, dude! That’s what the rest of us do!

Downstairs, Patmore and Rose conspire to get Daisy educated by the Hatless School Teacher.

Upstairs, Anna is in on the sex vacation. Anna points out that Mary, for the first time in her life, will be undertaking the arduous task of taking her own clothing on and off by herself. Oh no! But how will she manage her hats?! After the uncomfortable clothing discussion, the talk turns to birth control and Mary takes the opportunity to guilt Anna into buying her a diaphragm by reminding Anna of the fact that her husband is a murderer and also that Mary’s own husband is dead, saying, “…you’re married, with a living husband!”

Downstairs, Thomas smokes menacingly and tries to convince the Noble Molesley that Baxter’s past as a jewel thief makes her the bad guy. Speak his name and he shall appear: the real criminal, Bates, waltzes in to tell Thomas to shut his yapper. Snitches in ditches, amiright?

The bored writing staff has Donk make a joke about Downton being a hotel for the second time in as many episodes (product placement?). Cora, playing the part of the audience, says: “You’ve already made that joke.”

In the library, Edith tells her parents the suspicious story of how she’s taken an interest in the Farmer Firefighter’s Unwanted Adoptee.

Rose continues to angle for a wireless. Doesn’t she have parents of her own she can beg for new advanced technology toys?

Downstairs, Ross and Rachel (Hughes and Carson) disagree over the war memorial’s placement. It’s ripping the whole house apart!

In town, Anna attempts to buy a prophylactic. Bet you thought you’d never see that sentence in a Downton recap.

Downstairs, the School Teacher and Daisy get set up for tutoring (see my previous predictions). Also, Julian Fellowes, if you’d like to hire me for your writing team, I am potentially available, though I’m not sure you can afford me.

Upstairs, Cora joins the team lobbying for a wireless. Donk, the Molesley of upstairs, says: “[The wireless] is a fad! It won’t last.” Poor guy is never going to be on the right side of history.

In the shoe shine room, Molesley confronts Baxter the Thief about the thievery. Molesley, like us, wants to know the real reason Baxter turned to crime. Baxter, the Angel from Heaven, will not tell. This, of course, is how we know she is an angel from heaven.

At the tea with the Fancy Lord Suitor, Violet openly taunts Isobel about the burgeoning romance. Can you imagine a third grade Violet finding out someone had a crush on someone else? Uuugh, Violet, stop!!

In Mary’s room, the Feminist Society (Anna and Mary) meet to discuss Anna’s judgment at the hands of the pharmacist and a women’s right to birth control, but they do it in such a fun, flirty way it almost doesn’t make you hate feminism!

On the stairs, a new cast member ogles a painting.

In the drawing room, Meddlesome Thomas tells Meddlesome Rose that the School Teacher is downstairs.

Mary’s Less Attractive Suitor From Last Season acts grumpy about the fact that he wasn’t “the lucky winner” of Mary’s cold, barely beating heart.

Downstairs, the School Teacher doesn’t want to go to dinner, but she does want to inspire Tom to shake the gilded bonds of the Abbey. Too bad she’s not even remotely as fun and cool and cute as Sybil, because I kind of like her attitude.

At dinner, the New Cast Member flirts with Cora and Donk tries to fight with the School Teacher in absentia. Unfortunately, her “once more unto the breach, dear friends” speech inspired Tom and he comes to the defense of the Russian Revolution.

In the hall, Imperialist Donk seems to finally be swayed towards the wireless when he hears that the King is going to be on it. Carson uses this as an opportunity to get in a metaphorical point about Donk’s attitude about the placement of the war memorial saying: “…even kings must bow to pressure sometimes.” Touché, Carson. Compare Donk to a king to stoke his ego and then tell him to sit the F down. Well played. Oh wait, maybe he’s actually just talking about the wireless.

Outside, Molesley looks sad and Baxter the Angelic Thief continues to refuse to tell anyone why she stole the jewels. This is getting tiresome, Baxter. Why don’t you just kiss Molesley so we can move on?

In the room with all the paintings, maybe the New Cast Member isn’t so new? He appears to have a past with Cora.

Downstairs, there is discord in the Hughes/Carson Harmony Machine because Carson is from the ’70s and Hughes is a ’90s…chick.

In Cora’s room, Cora still can’t decide whether or not to sack Baxter. Spoiler: I really doubt she will.

In the library, Mary and the Less Attractive Suitor get into a heated debate about the difference between sex and love, a debate which actually involves the use of the word “sex.” Have they ever used this smutty, graphic term before? Is it even legal to say on televison?

In the bedroom, Donk nearly has an aneurism when it occurs to him that Tom might leave Downton and take Baby Sibby with him. He basically gets in a yelling fight with himself. Dear Donk, I’m suggesting for you what I suggested earlier for Thomas: get some therapy, please. Then, in an especially cute maneuver, he tells Cora to tell the New Cast Member to stop flirting with Isis. Oh, Isis is who he’s flirting with?? He says: “There is nothing more ill-bred than trying to steal the affections of someone else’s dog!” and then slams his head down on his pillow. Hey, Donk, I’m no aristocrat, but I have this feeling that it is super “ill-bred” to pay more attention to your dog than your wife.

In Mary’s room, the Feminist Society has a bit of schism when Anna slut shames Mary.

In the village, Carson and Donk meet a war widow, who inspires them to silently agree on putting the memorial in the center of town. Can we be done with this plot line now?

In the a hall, as the wireless is installed, Daisy says: “Why is it called a wireless when there’s so many wires?” Classic Seinfeld Daisy.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, the Baby Watcher’s Wife doesn’t believe that Edith is really going to care at all about Marigold long term. It seems reasonable to let the wife in on the secret of Marigold’s parentage because what’s going to happen when Michael comes back? I mean, he has to come back, right?

In the hall, upstairs and downstairs folks and even the babies gather around the wireless. Everyone stands when the King speaks because they don’t seem to realize he can’t see or hear them. Welcome to the future, you innocent babies! Next stop: Google Glass.

Also in the future, Mary arrives in Liverpool for her Sex Vacation.

Downstairs, Thomas sullenly smokes and tells Anna sadly that nobody likes him. I mean, why do you think that’s the case, Thomas? Could it be your weekly plot against whomever you see first on your way to breakfast?

Mary and Tony arrive in Liverpool for their Sex Vacation and they have adjoining rooms, which is going to be helpful because Tony has plans for them to “make love all night long.” Geez Louise! What is this? A Boyz II Men video?? 

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson are back in agreement over the memorial’s placement and, just at the moment they are about to make out, Thomas the Scaremonger brings in a policeman. Turns out the policeman is at Downton because there are some new questions about the untimely death of Anna’s Rapist. Hughes, who a moment before was finally about to kiss the man of her dreams, goes white. As usual, she knows too much.

Credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Mary’s Less Attractive Suitor From Last Season: I’m putting him in the ranking because he broke the glass ceiling of the Abbey. He said the word “sex” in the library and no one died. Kudos, sir!

4. Tony: His old rival may have said sex, but Tony meant it. The adjoining rooms and the slow jam references speak for themselves.

3. Cora: Cora seems to be growing tired of Donk’s hot air lifestyle and she’s flirting hard with the New Cast Member. Get it, Cora. 

2. Mary: I’m proud of Mary for going on her Sex Vacation and for procuring birth control, even if she did shamelessly use Anna to do it. She’s a modern woman, checking into hotels and perfecting her already excellent lying game.

1. Hughes: Hughes may not be in every scene or be the most compelling, but as usual she is aware of every plot and has a hand in most of them. Will she save Bates from another stint in the Big House?

Tune in next week!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a gif must be worth at least a million (math!). With the advent of this bite-sized animated wonder, award shows have become less about who won what and more about who made what face. Whether you cheated the system and only watched the Tina Fey and Amy Poehler parts of last night’s Golden Globes or totally boycotted the whole thing, here are the gifs that will be finding their way into your texts and gchats soon.

Before the show even starts, Amal Alamuddin Clooney and her date are forced to watch E! correspondent Giuliana Rancic take a shot by herself, while Taylor Schilling from Orange is the New Black yawns in the background. The pity is palpable.

Jennifer Aniston stars in “The One Where Rachel Gropes Goldie Hawn’s Daughter.”

Emma Stone shows everyone how to be graceful when comedians are making fun of your bug eyes.

Jessica Chastain reacts to a Bill Cosby joke in a Taylor-Swift-just-won-another-award-and-is-super-duper-surprised kind of way. Check out her previous OMG-I’m-so-adorably-scandalized work.

Benedict Cumberbatch photobombs Meryl Streep. Apparently, this is his “thing”; he also photobombed famed iTunes hacker Bono at last year’s Oscars.

Chrissy Teigen comes out of nowhere and nabs the crown from Claire Danes and Kim Kardashian for most memorable cry face.

Prince ducklips his way onto the stage…

…and Viola Davis and Allison Janney correctly freak the F out. They are just like us!

Amal’s date breaks a nation of women’s hearts, while Amal serves Princess Diana grace and unbeatable eyebrow game.

Uzo Aduba gets a little Crazy Eyes over Kevin Spacey dropping an F bomb.

And Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader become the frontrunners for hosting next year. Please, Santa!

That was fun, but it’s time to turn the page on this awards ceremony.

See y’all at the Oscars!

Gina Rodriguez won a Golden Globe on Sunday for her work on The CW’s Jane the Virgin, the first Golden Globe in the network’s eight year history. This came hours after The CW announced it would be renewing its entire fall schedule, an unprecedented move that demonstrates the degree of confidence the network has in its current programming and direction.

You can’t dispute The CW is enjoying a great year. Not only are its viewing ratings up across the board—something harder to do at a time with so many channel and platform options—but it has some of the best shows on television. Traditionally stigmatized as a youth-geared network, it is becoming more socially acceptable to admit that you watch The CW as a grown adult. (Unfortunately, that confession often comes with the loathsome qualifier “guilty pleasure.”) But I say embrace The CW love! Here’s why:

Beautiful shows with character-driven narratives.

If you haven’t checked out the CW lineup recently, then do yourself a favor and try out some of its shows. There is a wide variety, from superhero fare (Arrow or The Flash) to smart, brutal science fiction (The 100) to visually-luscious, historical romance (Reign). The production values are on par with or better than other broadcast networks despite the comparatively small budgets. The 100 was nominated for an Emmy for its visual effects last year, and HuffPost TV‘s Maureen Ryan makes the argument that Arrow consistently employs some of the best and financially-efficient directors on TV.

And it isn’t just the visuals that make The CW’s programming so effective. Unlike some of the more procedural dramas on other networks, The CW’s shows all make character-driven storytelling a priority. Even on the most formulaic of its shows—i.e. The Flash, which employs both a police procedural and supervillain-of-the-week structure—character rules.

The CW has a reputation for and history of romance drama, and perhaps this is directly related to its prioritization of character over action. Last week, NPR’s Linda Holmes lamented the dearth of family drama on television today. She dug out Ken Tucker’s decades-old assessment of TV drama for Entertainment Weekly as divided into two categories: the drama of action and the drama of emotions. Most of The CW’s programming employs both kinds of TV drama in fun and compelling ways, but—when it comes down to it—these shows care about emotion first, and that’s what makes them great. And, until recently, unfairly stigmatized.

Catering to a younger, often female audience.

The CW manages to stay on television despite relatively low ratings because of its success in the coveted 18-49 demographic. And though the network has increased the number of men watching with the introduction of Arrow and The Flash, a majority of those viewers are still women. Perhaps this is why The CW is full of female characters and that shows with female leads don’t become That Show With the Female Lead.

On this network, central female characters are a given. Better than that, they talk to other women—and often times not about men (hi, Alison Bechdel!). The 100 regularly features scenes in which female leaders sit around discussing decisions that will influence the future of humanity. The same goes for Reign, in which arguably the two most compelling and powerful characters on the show are Queen Mary and Queen Catherine. These characters are not only allowed to lead unapologetically and (usually) without comment, but they are allowed to make mistakes, be villainous, and put themselves first without punishment.

Writing to and for young women isn’t a secondary feature of The CW like it is on many other networks, and this is reinforced by the number of female showrunners active behind-the-scenes. Julie Plec and Caroline Dries run the ever-popular The Vampire Diaries. Laurie McCarthy runs Reign. Jennie Urman runs Jane the Virgin. And, even on the shows that have men in the lead writing position, the writers’ rooms have a gender balance that is all too rare on TV.

Filling the feel-good gap.

TV has recently been characterized as The Era of Gritty Anti-Hero Television so much so that the balance between feel-good television and dark, gritty drama has been lost, with the latter becoming synonymous with “good” television and the former dismissed as vapid fare. But two CW freshman dramas—Jane the Virgin and The Flash—fall firmly into the feel-good drama department (especially Jane), and are also recognized as two of the best new shows of 2014. In a television industry that is trying to copy the Breaking Bad grittiness, The CW is trying something different with these shows, and it is paying off.

It’s also worth noting that Jane the Virgin is one of the few shows on TV with a main character who not only speaks solely in Spanish, but is an undocumented immigrant, which not only increases this network’s diversity in important ways, but makes me feel good about the show on a meta level, in addition to feeling good about the delightful narratives it delivers week after week.

Launching successful spin-offs. 

Though The CW has fewer primetime shows than its “Big Five” counterparts, it still has an incredible amount of diversity. Though it may have some of the best feel-good dramas on TV, it also has one of the most brutal in The 100. And, while the network may be launching new and exciting shows, it is also doubling down on proven favorites.

It isn’t easy to launch a successful spin-off, but The CW has done it twice in the past two seasons—in 2013 with The Vampire Diaries’ spinoff The Originals and in 2014 with Arrow spin-off The Flash. Both are successful enough to warrant renewals for fall 2015, with the latter boasting the most-watched premiere in network history.

Flash and Arrow are not only solid programs in their own right, but they have also seemingly figured out the secret to crossover success, sharing a two-hour event this season. The episodes were a success in the ratings, but also creatively, expanding the fictional universe in a way that other spin-off ventures have either failed at or not even attempted. In the era of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Arrow and The Flash have done for TV what The Avengers has done for film (when it comes to pushing the boundaries of the fictional universe), and is a model for what other television franchises could accomplish.

A shift in critical weight. 

The truth is: The CW—and, before it, The WB—has always had some great television. Gilmore Girls. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Veronica Mars (originally on UPN before the merge). Dawon’s Creek. Felicity. These have all become classics, and many of them changed what television was doing in interesting and progressive ways, while still telling  compelling narratives (with, might I mention, some of the best female TV characters ever).

Though the network is enjoying a particularly excellent period in its history, I would argue that it’s not that The CW has gotten so much better, but that mainstream criticism has accepted that youth-geared media is worthy of attention and, in some cases, acclaim. There has been a lot of attention paid in the last year to the rise in popularity of young adult entertainment for adults, and much of it has been negative. Critics worry that adults are consuming more “dumbed-down” television and books meant for their children, but many of these youth-geared entertainment properties are complex, ground-breaking stories in their own right with only the age of their protagonist separating them from their more “mature” counterparts. The CW, and The WB before it, has always known this. The bulk of mainstream television criticism is just catching on now.

Are you a fan of The CW? Why or why not? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Welcome, friends, to your weekly visit to the Abbey. (Miss the last episode? Read all about it!) I hear a telephone ringing in the distance. Should we answer? Remember, SPOILER ALERT. To the recap!

In Liverpool, Mary and Tony are deep into their Sex Vacation. They are being so modern that Mary tells the help she “can manage” her own breakfast tray. Heavens! She really is a new, modern woman. Oh, wait, she’s not that modern: “I’ve been tarnished once,” she tells Tony when he suggests it won’t be the end of the world if they are seen together in public, “and I won’t be tarnished again.” The Pirate kisses her and departs to his connected room for his breakfast tray and Mary looks off into the distance, troubled. Is she thinking about Sir Charles Blake a.k.a. that dude she mud wrestled with?

Downstairs, Daisy can’t shut up about how great she is at math now, which means she misses Patmore’s dramatic emoting over her mail. Beginner’s Downton Tip: All important plots involve mail.

In the breakfast room, Cora is all dolled up, probably for the Art Guy.

Downstairs, Thomas is speaking his lines in monotone as a protest against his one-dimensional character. He’s up to no good, obviously, and it’s not mail-related but telephone call-related. Time and technology march on.

In Liverpool, Mary leaves the Sex Vacation telling Tony, “We’ll talk soon.” Oh, wow. Cold. Next thing you know she’s sending him a text message saying, “You’re really great! It’s not you, it’s me! Timing is just really bad right now! :)”

From across the street, the Dowager Countess’ Generic Butler spots them as they are leaving the hotel. Oooooh. There you go. He’s going to blow this Sex Vacation secret wide open! Another Beginner’s Downton Tip: If there is a secret, a minimum of two people will discover it almost immediately. Julian Fellows cannot stand a secret to remain secret for longer than one scene.

At Violet’s house, Violet is mean girling Isobel as hard as she can: “Oh, what is the latest from your aging Romeo?” she asks. To explain what just happened in the last scene, Isobel asks where her butler Sprat is (he didn’t open the door!) and Violet says he’s in Liverpool.

Downstairs, Carson engages with the kindly police man who is definitely about to take Downton down re: the Bates keeps murdering people situation.

In the library, Edith pulls a very Mary-like sneak attack on Mary and says, “Where are [your sketches] anyway? Can’t we see them?” Luckily, no one ever listens to Edith so no one notices. Also, they are too busy listening to Old Man Donk yell about a new thing he just discovered he hates: “I won’t have 50 ugly modern houses built over a field of mine!” Babies George and Sibby are brought into the library to make Edith sad.

Downstairs, Rachel (Hughes) lies to Ross (Carson) about Anna’s Rapist. Oh no! They should totally be telling each other everything! Alone, they are fingers, but together they make a fist!

Patmore pulls Hughes into a room and explains that this war memorial plot isn’t going away any time soon and she wants her deserter nephew’s name on the Downton memorial.

At Violet’s, her Generic Butler gets super coy with his gossip, but only holds on to it for all of 20 seconds before spilling the beans that Mary was in Liverpool having sex. Violet lies her face off to Generic Butler to keep Mary untarnished for as long as possible. Good luck with that, Dowager.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes think about starting a weekly serialized podcast to find out the truth about where Bates was during those 15 minutes after school.

In the drawing room, Cora sets up a trip to London with the Art Guy, which Donk conveniently cannot attend. Mary gets a phone call from her grandmother because she’s in big trouble, and Rose is getting ready to bring her Russian refugees, who are actually like deposed royalty, to Downton. Rose, such a humanitarian!

Downstairs at the dinner table, Thomas the Liar lies about his phone calls and pretends they are all about his sick father. As if Thomas has a father and wasn’t just hatched full grown from an evil egg! Anna whispers to Bates something about running away and Daisy stops to talk about how she’s thinking of becoming a physicist now that she’s sooooo good at math and Patmore yells: “That’s enough, Daisy! Come and carry the spotted dick!” (Sorry. That wasn’t that important; I just really wanted to type “spotted dick”).

Upstairs, Cora demands answers from Baxter the Honest and Noble Thief. Baxter leaves and Cora starts speaking romantically about the war and a time when she felt useful. She’s clearly trying to communicate with Donk about how she wants to be at least a little involved in things, but he doesn’t think it’s a woman’s place to ask questions or know information or do things. When she asks him about the 50 ugly modern houses, he says: “Nothing to trouble you with.” You know who I bet is about to allow Cora to “trouble with” things? The Art Guy.

In Mary’s room, Mary pawns the prophylactic off on Anna. Um, why not just throw it away if it’s so dangerous? I’ll tell you why: the plot! Anna suggests that helping Mary have premarital sex is causing her to be punished by God, who is now running the police investigation of the Rapist’s death.

In the hall, Bates interrogates Anna about the prophylactic, which is now in her pocket.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes argue about Patmore’s deserter nephew. Ugh, these two. On again off again on again off again.

Outside, Baxter and Molesley talk about how Baxter can deal with the ultimatum from Cora regarding the circumstances of her great jewel heist.

Downstairs, the turmoil in the Carson/Hughes relationship ripples, causing confusion and sadness among the staff (Patmore runs off in tears, while Daisy can’t decide what they are trying to say about whether she can or cannot take an exam).

Outside, Donk says he’s planning on heading to London to surprise Cora. You know that’s not going to end well.

Downstairs, the policeman is back and apparently now knows who Bates is. Maybe he showed up on a list of Known-Criminals in the Abbey?

At Violet’s, Mary is completely caught re: her Sex Vacation and so must sit through a lecture from her Granny.

In London, Baxter the Angel finally admits the cause of her thievery. She was basically in an abusive relationship and tricked into it. Obviously.

Speaking of criminals, downstairs, Bates gets interrogated by the policeman. Bates doesn’t seem worried about this. Sociopath.

In London, Cora gazes at art and the Art Guy gazes at her.

At the Baby Watcher’s house, Edith has apparently kidnapped Marigold, as would anyone. Well, okay, she hasn’t actually kidnapped Marigold, she’s just taken her to see some chickens, but the Baby Watcher’s Wife is not impressed. Seriously, just tell this lady Marigold is the fruit of Edith’s loins! One theme of this episode: keeping unimportant secrets from your significant other (and yes, I’m including Hughes and Carson here, as well as Anna and Bates).

In London, there’s more phone news: for some reason, Cora can’t get through to Rosamund to tell her she’s about to have a tarnishing dinner with the Art Guy. The Art Guy is laying it on thick, complimenting Cora’s outfit and telling her she “has an instinct” for art. Yeah, buddy, we all know exactly what it sounds like when an art guy is trying to get into a pretty lady’s underthings.

Downstairs, Hughes and Mary discuss the Bates Murder Timeline. Yes, he visited a shoe shop right before it opened, but what about Best Buy? And was there a pay phone there?

On the streets of London, Cora admits that she’s Jewish to the Art Guy. Did we know this already? She tells her origin story, which is basically the plot from the song “Fancy” except that, instead of an impoverished Southern shack, Cora came from an upper middle class Jewish family in New York and, instead of a sugar daddy-type john, Cora got Donk. The Art Guy puts the moves on Cora as passively as humanly possible and she gently rebuffs him in a classy lady way.

When she gets backs to Rosamund’s, Donk is there in a suit and he’s not stoked because: “I traveled to London in order to give my wife a treat, only to find she’s out dining with another man.” Oh geeeeeez. He then goes on to tell Cora that the Art Guy couldn’t possibly care about her stupid female opinions. Yes, okay, maybe you’re a teeny tiny bit right, Donk, but you are also a stupid jerk. I hope Cora leaves you for the Art Guy. I hope Isis, the dog, leaves you for the Art Guy too.

Speaking of stupid jerks, back at Downton, Mary throws in an unnecessary jab at Edith when Branson asks if Edith seems a bit distracted to her: “I’m not sure I’d notice.” Dude, Edith is your last remaining sister! Why do you hate her so so much? The Pamuk thing should be water under the bridge by now!

But it turns out they are all distracted. When Branson says, “It can be hard to know what to do for the best–you don’t want to hurt people, but you may have to,” Mary says: “I know exactly what you mean.” Oh snap. Mary is totally definitely dumping Tony! Why? Was he terrible in bed? The kind of guy who refuses to make eye contact? What Mary needs is a real man. A man like…Branson?? When Branson says, “If you love me, you’ll support me,” she perks up. Will Sibby and George soon be sibling-cousins?!

Donk and Cora return to Downton, just in time for the Russian Tea. Tony shows up too and so do Violet and Isobel. Are those two ever apart these days? Are they contractually obligated to share every scene? Because it seems like we’re building to a climax, the School Teacher shows up too. Guess who thinks helping displaced tsarist aristocrats is totally ridiculous and isn’t afraid to say it? I’ll give you one try.

In a side room, Violet attacks Mary by saying: “In my day, a woman was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she’d been instructed to do so by her mama.” Um, is this why Violet is tampering with Isobel’s love life? Because she’s never felt physical attraction for a man? Because she’s a lesbian and secretly in love with Isobel and so consumed with jealousy re: Isobel’s suitors? Spin off!

In Cora’s room, Baxter the Angel is, of course, granted a reprieve.

Downstairs, Cora tells Donk he’s a stupid jerk.

Again, since we’re building to a climax, everyone must show up and now it’s the Baby Watcher’s turn. He’s there to tell Edith she can’t see Marigold anymore. Not cool, Baby Watcher! Edith has been through enough! Leave Edith alone!

At the tea, the School Teacher has decided to stay, which makes Donk the opposite of really happy. She says something political, obviously, which stresses the poor refugees out. Luckily, Donk has a bunch of old trash from a wedding to distract them. The trash brings back some old memories for Violet who starts talking nostalgically about the party where they got the trash and the blue dress she was wearing. At which point, a hot older Russian gentleman who is actually a prince steps forward and reminds her he gave her the wedding trash. So, she’s not a lesbian, just a basic floozy who had an affair with a Russian.

Outside, Mary side eyes Granny and says: “I know now you understand my predicament far better than you let on.” They smile knowingly at each other. Is Granny the newest member of the Downton Feminist Society? The old ladies get into a car and Granny looks wistfully out at her Russian Prince and Isobel finally gets a dig in about Violet’s love life. The car drives on and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Branson: Branson gets in the rankings this week, even though he didn’t do much, for launching a thousand Mary/Branson shippers. Oh, yes. Please please please fall in love with Mary!

4. Mary: Mary is taking control of her life by protecting herself from unwanted pregnancies and maybe breaking up with a guy because he’s bad at sex and hopefully starting a full-on love affair with her dead sister’s husband.

3. Cora: Speaking of taking control of your life! Cora is not standing for Donk’s nonsense and she’s thinking about what she can do to contribute to this world! Another potential new member of the Downton Feminist Society?

2. Edith: Oh, Edith. She just cannot catch a break. But her torment is our entertainment! And I think her plot line is a lot more interesting than the war memorial or the Bates is still a murderer plot line. May Marigold and Michael be returned to you, dearest Edith!

1. Violet: Dude. She pulled a prince!

Come back next week to see is Violet rekindles her love with a royal Russian and if the Bateses run off to Mexico!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

A petal falls from a rose and funny-looking brush dusts a light fixture and it’s Sunday and we’re back at Downton Abbey! Remember, for now and for always: SPOILER ALERT.

Thomas menacingly returns to  Downton from his mysterious trip.

Upstairs, the family is gathered around the breakfast table. Brary (I’m trying out couple nicknames for Branson and Mary…Manson?) are trying to get Lord “Donk” Crawley to agree to build ugly houses on a field and Rose’s long-lost father is apparently back from whichever colony he’d gone off to. Because he hasn’t complained for two whole breaths, Donk jumps in to remind everyone that Tom is a socialist. His future-wife Mary nobly comes to his aid.

At the field in question, Donk keeps acting like an angry old man about these ugly houses. Oh wait, he is an angry old man.

The old ladies travel to another town to see the Russians in a sad church basement. Really, they are coming for the Prince, obviously. Violet, so forward! I thought you were all about having the man pursue you! I thought you were a Rules girl! The Prince seems cool with it though, as he speaks romantically about how sad his life is in his sexy Russian accent.

Downstairs, First Footman Molesley is flummoxed by silver.

In the church basement, Violet tells the sad Prince: “Hope is a tease, designed to prevent us accepting reality.” #ExistentialistViolet

In the village, Donk and Mary discuss Rose’s dad Shrimpy’s impending likely divorce. So glad Shrimpy is back because his name! And scandalous divorce! Watch out, Donk, Cora might get ideas.

Downstairs, the Bateses pretend to each other that they both don’t know who murdered the Rapist.

In Violet’s drawing room, the Old Ladies Club meets to discuss boyz boyz boyz, specifically how Violet had, at the very least, an emotional affair with the Prince, to which her husband was like, babe, come on, let’s stay together for the kids!

Downstairs, Patmore is getting pissed at Bookish Daisy for reading so many goddamn books (#KidsTheseDays) and Thomas is stealing spoons (#DidHeJustDevelopADrugHabitOnVacation).

At Isobel’s house, her Fancy Suitor shows up to the sounds of goofball music. He seems really nervous, which you can tell because of the way he takes off his hat and the afore-mentioned music. Nervous because he’s about to propose to Isobel to the now romantic music. His proposal turns out to be pretty great, so great that, even though Isobel is incapable of love after the loss of her entire family, he makes a sort of compelling case, plus he’s got those fancy gardens and the big house. Isobel’s no dummy so she says she’ll think it over.

Back at the Abbey, Angry Donk has another bee in his hairpiece bonnet: the Art Guy is coming back for another visit. In a corner, Edith mopes over Marigold. Everyone pretends to care about Edith for about half a second and then they remember they don’t even care enough to pretend to care. Manson looks attractive in another corner and tries very passively to convince Donk to put the ugly houses on the field.

Downstairs, horrible sounds come from a room containing Thomas. Baxter the Angel tries to help him, but it appears he is going down the dark path of drug abuse. #NewPlotLineAlert #WillHeGetAnEmmy

In Mary’s room, Mary lies to Anna and says she’s “dreading” breaking up with Tony. Seriously, Mary, we all know your greatest happiness comes from making other people incredibly sad.

The nannies parade Babies Sybbie and George through the hall for their required 12 seconds of screen time.

Somewhere, the Old Ladies Tea Club meets and boyz are once again on the agenda. This time, Isobel talks about the Fancy Suitor and admits she is going to think about his super romantic, now viral, proposal video. #WhereWasTheFlashMob

In the library, Edith has heard a development about Michael and his attackers in Germany, who are going on trial. She cries and, in a surprise move, Donk doesn’t laugh in her face or tell her to shut the hell up.

At a fashion show in London, Rosamund grills Mary for intel on Edith. Oh, Rosamund, Mary doesn’t even know for sure where Edith lives anymore! And anyway, Mary sees Blake, the Pig Guy and the One She Will Probably Choose. Mary does her best impression of a human smile.

In the village, Edith stalks Marigold.

In London, for some reason, Anna has decided to take a note from Mary to Tony herself. A dangerous looking man sneakily watches her.

Back at the fashion show, Blake brings the girl who Tony jilted to meet Mary. Oh, Blake, that’s dark! I like your style! Maybe you are better choice! Mary decides to go to dinner with him.

At some square in London, Anna wears all black and is now obviously being followed.

At home, Marigold is also being followed. By her mom.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes are trolling Molesley by assigning him lots of tasks.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith is about to get a restraining order put out on her.

In the library, Donk and Carson look on as Patmore gives a rousing speech on PTSD and how her nephew is just as much a casualty of war as anyone. #SupportOurTroops Patmore leaves and Cora comes in so Donk can grumble misogynistically and obnoxiously at her about the Art Guy’s impending arrival.

Downstairs, Carson continues to prank Molesley by giving him more and more work. Carson, you are such a scamp!

At dinner, Mary and Blake bond over their unbreakable hearts, Blake in a stoic way and Mary in a I-don’t-actually-have-a-heart kind of way.

In the drawing room, Violet has zero sympathy for Edith. Rather, she’s interested in finding her Prince’s wife, with Shrimpy’s help. So interested that she tells Shrimpy she won’t take sides in his divorce situation because “she doesn’t take sides” (read: there is something she wants out of him).

Also in attendance in the drawing room: the rest of the upstairs cast and the Art Guy. They gather to discuss inviting the School Teacher to dinner, hopefully to teach Donk some kind of lesson.

In the library, Shrimpy and Donk talk man stuff. #LadiesAmmiright

Downstairs, Baxter and Thomas have a whole conversation about Thomas’ new “treatment” without ever facing each other. Is this a British custom?

In the library, Shrimpy tells Rose he and her mommy are getting a divorce, but that they do love her soooo much! Rose seems pretty okay with it and then, typical Rose, turns the conversation back to herself and her romantic prospects. Your dad needs someone to listen right now, Rose!

Upstairs, Cora and the Art Guy talk about “art” and by “art” I mean how beautiful Cora is and how she’s going to make him “burst.” #SlightlySuggestive

In London, Mary is in the midst of breaking up with Tony, which IMO she should have done via text because now he’s saying things like, “Am I a bad lover?” and “Well, I refuse to accept it!” Oh no, not this old song and dance…

Downstairs, Molesley the Wimp gives up his title because, as usual, the trolls win and also he hates work.

Upstairs, you can tell the show is drawing to a close because the School Teacher shows up with her political rhetoric, saying to Tom, “I can’t bear for you to waste your life propping up a system that’s dying!”

Downstairs, the sneaky music plays as Baxter reads Thomas’ magazine and figures out his secret (he’s treating himself for his man-loving tendencies?).

At the dinner table, Cora’s body language toward the Art Guy is almost more obscene than Jimmy’s Old Boss’s was the night she overtly sexually harassed Jimmy, or at least that’s what Violet’s dagger eyes are saying from across the table.

The table talk turns to the School Teacher, of course, and it comes out that Donk doesn’t know Daisy’s name!!! OMG, Donk! Mary comes to his rescue, but another fight gets underway. Now they have decided to bring Daisy and Patmore up from the bowels of the house to tell them who is better, Donk or Teacher.

Upstairs, the Bateses flirt in Mary’s room until Anna resumes her role as the Sarah Koenig of Downton and tries to get to the bottom of Adnan’s…I mean, Bates’ timeline.

At dinner, Daisy and Patmore are brought up for their humiliation so Donk and/or the Teacher can prove some sort of point. Is that point that they are both jerks? Their point is proven in spades when the Teacher just insults Donk for the heck of it and then Fragile Donk has a meltdown in front of his family and tells her never to come back. Hey, guys? Neither of you is super great.

Downstairs, the servants are all in a flutter over the Big Fight.

In the bedroom, Donk takes his rage out on Cora, per usual.

In the hall on the way to the bedrooms, Manson flirt with each other in a fun, sexy, familial way.

Downstairs, Daisy inspires Patmore to stand up against the Man and write a letter about PTSD. #HeartsAndMinds

Also downstairs, the cops are back and apparently this Rapist Murder is the Case of the Century because there is a plainclothes officer watching Tony’s house. Round-the-clock surveillance seems a bit overboard for a cold case that involves one jackass valet. Now apparently Anna is a suspect. Grrreat.

At Violet’s, Shrimpy has found the Prince’s wife in Hong Kong and Violet is sort of glad, but also calls her a prostitute.

On a walk through the grounds, Manson and Donk discuss last night’s meltdown and the Political School Teacher. Isis, the dog, says nothing. As the music swells, Donk explains why he hates the ugly houses and is actually an environmentalist and will find a green building company that will build locally-sourced homes. Suddenly, due to the music and his monologue-ing, he is a hero saying: “We will build. We’ll even make money for the estate. But we won’t destroy what people love about this place.”

They all pose as if for a picture and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Blake: I like your sly moves, dude! After Tony’s freak out on Mary, I am definitely on #TeamBlake.

4. Tom: I’m kidding about that #TeamBlake stuff because obviously I am actually #TeamManson. You guys look so cute together! And think how sad you would make Edith and how angry you would make Donk!

3. Violet: For calling a former Russian princess a prostitute. Kudos.

2. Shrimpy: Your wife was awful. Time to head back to a tropical colony and get your groove back, girl!

1. The Fancy Suitor: I really liked your proposal!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

The Internet has been ablaze today with rumors that Downton Abbey will end after its next season. Don’t freak out just yet though! No one seems to be able to provide hard evidence to support the theory. But maybe ending Downton wouldn’t be such a terrible idea, considering that the show’s quality is not what it once was when Sybil was alive and well, showing off her harem pants.

This season has had its moments — Edith’s accidental act of arson, Mary’s sex positive ways, everything Maggie Smith has done or said — but, as a whole, it has felt like a trudge. If this truly is the end, here are some humble suggestions on what should happen to the characters we have grown to love (and the ones we just put up with):

You might think this show is all about Mary, but you’re wrong. The true star is Edith, patron saint of all misunderstood middle children. I see Edith moving to Germany during the lead up to World War II and infiltrating the Nazi party so that she may exact revenge on whoever killed Michael a.k.a. that dude who knocked her up, didn’t marry her, and promptly vanished. Edith decides to prove everyone wrong and change the course of history by assassinating Hitler. She inevitably screws it up because she’s Edith and is put into a witness protection program under the pseudonym Jan Brady.

Speaking of tragic figures, poor Thomas has been pigeon-holed as the evil, miserable gay trope for the past five seasons. I see Thomas taking his spoon and drugs and moving to the big city, where he meets Virginia Woolf, while walking around Bloomsbury. She helps him get clean and begs to set him up on a blind date! “It’s not just because you’re both gay!” she promises. He relents and his blind date is no other than E.M. Forster, famed writer and fellow wistful closet case. Thomas’ emo-ness cancels out Forster’s emo-ness and they live happily ever after.

For once in her life, Mary doesn’t get what she wants. She dies from shock.

The Dowager Countess gets a very late acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She is outraged by the faux pas, but eventually enrolls. She is sorted into all the houses ’cause she’s got it like that. While studying for her Transfiguration exam, she accidentally ends up Benjamin Button-ing herself. She begins to age backwards and, decades later, goes by her nickname Hermione so that no one asks questions about why she knows how to correctly pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. She doesn’t end up with Ron.

Cora Crawley realizes her marriage sucks and has a meltdown on her bathroom floor before getting a divorce. She rebounds with that art dealer who likes her opinions. That doesn’t end well, inspiring her to move to Italy to eat pasta and not have sex, then over to India for a yoga teacher training, and finally ending up in Bali where she gets her groove back. She writes all about the experience, but is too humble to show it to anyone. Her great granddaughter, Elizabeth Gilbert, inherits the manuscript and puts her name on it.

Branson moves to America and starts a labor union and a soup kitchen and other neat stuff. He gives a really awesome speech at the DNC and becomes a frontrunner for the presidency. Opponents demand to see his birth certificate. He’s like, you know what, this isn’t worth it. His hair never turns grey.

Daisy inherits her dead husband’s farm and fills it with all kinds of math books. She studies her ass off and ends up helping Alan Turing crack Nazi codes, which is later documented in a film called The Imitation Game. Her scenes are unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because patriarchy.

Patmore and Hughes experience a challenging second Saturn return and take to the road. They kill a rapist in a parking lot and rob some stores and put a cop in his own trunk. With the law hot on their trail, they drive their convertible off a cliff and parachute into a hidden valley where they start a super cool women’s collective.

Anna realizes Bates is kind of creepy and dumps him. She parlays her changing-other-people’s-clothes-for-them skills into a career as the person who helps pop stars get into their next costume between songs. She eventually inspires Madonna’s fake British accent.

After he squanders his fortune because he’s terrible at everything, Lord Grantham finds himself alone. Years of ignoring/being rude to the women in his life apparently wasn’t a great life strategy. The only one who stands by his side is Isis, the dog. Grantham runs out of dog treats one day and Isis eats him.

The End!

How do you hope things end at Downton? Leave it in the comments! 

Welcome back fellow Abbey-ites. Come in! Episode 5 awaits! Always remember the old refrain: Spoiler alert. On to our story!

A car pulls up to the Abbey and it is Rosamund, greeted only by Cora and a handful of the staff. Oh, how I miss the days of a full house greeting party and the possibility of Thomas tripping Bates.

In the library, No-Longer-First-Footman Molesley arrives with a tray and Rose reads out loud to the family about a nudist colony. Lord, please take us to the nudist colony! (Note: this week in crossover news, The Bachelor did a whole thing based on the new Cinderella movie which is starring…Rose as Cinderella! And Daisy is one of her evil step sisters! Let’s all go watch together! Maybe Branson can drive us!)

It turns out, of course, that Rosamund is visiting specifically to tell Edith that this “farmer’s child” business isn’t fooling anyone.

The action continues in the library where Lord “Donk” Crawley discusses a “bash” he is throwing and a trip he is taking and Violet asks Isobel about her romantic proposal. Will it progress into a viral video wedding flash mob dance anytime soon?

Downstairs, it looks like Patmore is becoming a hoity-toity rich lady, basically a Paris Hilton-style heiress, since she was left “a few hundred quid” by an old relative. She asks Carson for investment advice and Hughes is like, hey, I love him, but Carson is waaay out of the loop in terms of money stuff, ask someone else (he probably lost their entire life savings in a Ponzi scheme). Of course, Carson is bummed, but Hughes is always right.

In Rosamund’s room, Rosamund promises not to eat Edith over the whole Marigold situation. In fact, she wants to see the baby since she’s heard she’s sooo cute. At least Edith has an ally now in her battle against the Baby Watcher’s Wife. Or does she…?

Downstairs, the sergeant is coming back and this time he’s coming for Anna and Mary. Get your stories straight, ladies. The Downton Feminist Society needs you to remain united!

At the Doctor’s office, Meddling Violet is trying to get the Doctor to do something about Isobel’s potential super-high-class marriage by convincing him that Isobel has been brainwashed into an aristocrat. The Doctor, smart and admirable as always says: “Are you saying that you liked her better when she was more middle class? Do you perhaps resent the idea of a change of position for Mrs. Crawley?” You know what I think the problem is? That and also Violet doesn’t want to lose her only friend!

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith the Stalker has brought Rosamund to view the random baby she has no connection to (I swear; stop asking)! Edith’s maternal pull is always just barely below the surface, but Rosamund completely blows her cover when she says: “Goodbye, dear. Remember your…[most pregnant pause of all time ever]…remember your friend, Rosamund.” Marigold starts crying because her aunt is so terrible at subtlety!

In the downstairs hall, Carson and Mrs. Hughes a.k.a. Ross and Rachel have a philosophical discussion about their place in society as members of the service class. Molesley interrupts, as usual, with bad news about the over-zealous police, back again to interrogate the ladies.

In Mary’s room, Anna and Mary do not take a minute to make sure they are both telling the cops the same thing.

In the rainy village, Tom is (hopefully please please please) breaking up with the School Teacher. “You mean I’ve made it them or me?” she asks. Wait, was the School Teacher in a dissociative state every time she came to dinner? Like, it was a psychic break that caused her to be so obnoxious and then she immediately forgot about it? Anyway, Tom is over this relationship. He’s going to change things from the inside! He can’t be seen with these idealistic hippies, traipsing around in bare feet with flowers in their hair!

In the library, Mary is being grilled by the Law & Order: Semi-Suspicious Deaths in London team. She’s a good liar but horrible at telling the truth, which means Anna is definitely going down for this crime she didn’t commit.

At Violet’s, the Old Ladies Club does a puzzle while quipping about old age, boys, Russians and servants. Violet, heartless as usual, is a bit too gleeful about the discovery that her Prince’s wife is doing menial nursing work in Hong Kong. Taking pleasure in the pain of others: is that written somewhere on the Grantham Family Crest?

Back in the library, the Head Detective tells Anna to not even think about fleeing to Switzerland. He has his eye on her.

In the drawing room, Donk is looking for some contractors, a job he is guaranteed to mess up, but it’s not just him on the line this time because Carson, now trying super hard to know about investing, perks up when he says: “Of course, we should all be putting money into building. Fortunes will be made over the next few years.” Step away, Carson! Remember, Donk has a terrible track record with investing.

In the Russian’s town, it’s raining again and Poor My-Hands-Are-Full Roserella is rescued by a Prince Charming with an Umbrella. She invites him to tea and they flirt over the idea of Russians and how cute Roserella is running around in the rain.

In the kitchen, Carson passes off everything he heard from Donk to Patmore, like he’s a Chuck Schwab employee. Ugh, Carson. Please do not lose all of Patmore’s money!

The School Teacher shows up. Apparently she’s quitting because Tom broke up with her. Oh, come on, girl! Have some self respect!

In the hall, Thomas Who Once Wanted Friends evilly pumps Hughes for information on the Law & Order episode filming upstairs. It’s hard for him to be menacing because he’s so pale he looks like he might die at any moment. But still, he’s committed to his one mode and he does it well.

In Donk and the Lady’s room, it becomes clear that the Art Guy is going to come for a visit while Donk is away. Will the Art Guy finally burst?

At some mystical portal between upstairs and down, Daisy hails Branson to the threshold and begs him to reconsider the School Teacher (ugh no).

At dinner, Roserella talks about her new love interest, Atticus. He doesn’t need a nickname; Atticus is great. Apparently, he’s the son of a Lord so no more jazz singers (thank god for Donk’s sake).

Thomas gets whiter and whiter. He will be passing out at any moment, while the swells debate the merits of cocktail parties. The conversation turns didactic as Isobel gives a lecture on manners and customs of the Native Aristocrats and Edith gives a passionate plea for a deeper appreciation of non-cocktail party things (babies named Marigold).

Downstairs, the newest chapter of the Downton Feminist Society, Patmore and Hughes, meet for the first time to discuss the internalized patriarchy that forced Patmore to ask Carson where to invest her money.

Mary and Branson walk up the stairs together to romantic music and Tom says: “I’m on the brink of a decision.” Please say it’s the decision to sweep Mary off her feet!!

In a garden, Violet grills Rosamund like she’s a Law & Order detective. Rosamund buckles almost immediately.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith is fully out of control. The Baby Watcher is like, dude, you need to tone it down some or my crazy wife is going to make us leave the village!

At Violet’s, The Fancy Suitor and the Doctor try to win over Isobel with their knowledge of goiters.

Downstairs, the Bateses talk about the murder, which Bates did and Anna is about to go to jail forever for.

In the village, once again it is raining and Tom appears on the verge of doing something lame and romantic. The School Teacher tells him she’s “loved him.” Woo, girl, this is not The Bachelor. You don’t have to fabricate emotions because something seemingly romantic is happening. Tom kisses the Teacher, but she leaves anyway, thank god. Do not text her, Tom. Let it go!

At Downton, the Art Guy arrives as Donk in his fancy uniform leaves for Sheffield. Time for some explosions! Cora is already giving him sexy sidelong glances.

In the Russian’s basement, Atticus is back to see Roserella. The Russians seem especially bitter today, especially when they find out that Atticus is actually a Russian Jew (shout out to my people!). So yeah, Roserella is about to get romantic with a Jew! Sure, he’s no jazz singer, but you can bet Donk will be at least mildly scandalized (he’s probably forgotten that Cora is half Jewish by now).

At dinner in London, Blake has set Mary up on a three-way blind date with him and That Girl Tony Jilted.

Downstairs, Evil Thomas is dying.

Back in London, it looks like Blake is trying to get That Girl Tony Jilted to take him back so Mary is free to Sex Vacation elsewhere. Hypothesis: Blake is an American Psycho-style sociopath.

Back at Downton, everyone mingles post-dinner and replays the various plot points of the episode.

In the library, Violet and Rosamund have a new plan to destroy Edith’s life, which is take Marigold to France. Dear Edith: Do something! Free Marigold!

Downstairs, Baxter finally tells Molesley about the circumstances of her heist, which make her an okay alright person.

In the downstairs office, the Feminist Society tells Carson that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but in a very gentle, non-disruptive way. Later, they will burn their bras, privately.

Upstairs, the Art Guy skulks through the hall to Cora’s room and Donk arrives home. Cora asks the Art Guy to leave, but he won’t. Donk ascends the stairs. The Art Guy tells Cora he’s the only one who cares about her. Donk opens the door. He’s not happy at the scene before him. The Art Guy has some panache, it turns out, and, on his way out, says: “When you chose to ignore a woman like Cora, you must have known that not every man would be as blind as you!” Donk is basically an animal so predictably he goes hard at the Art Guy, a punch and then some grappling as Cora yells: “Stop!” Then Edith comes to the door and everyone freezes. It’s very disconcerting, but I guess that’s because I’m not British? Donk lets the Art Guy go and then goes to sleep in his own room in an attempt to slut shame Cora.

Downstairs, Thomas and the Bateses act mysterious.

A rug is rolled, flowers are set out, the Art Guy leaves and everyone gets ready for a cocktail party. Cora looks sadly out the window of her gilded cage.

And now, the cocktail party! People mingle and Donk gives Cora the silent treatment. For some reason (she’s senile?), Violet starts talking about Marigold to Edith at this very public event and how the only option is to not be her mom. Seems like a conversation better kept for a time more private with less alcohol, but who am I to say?

Downstairs, Book Worm Daisy cannot be stopped by the departure of the School Teacher. She’s interrupted by Edith wanting to use the phone. She’s calling London. Why? Find out next week on Downton Abbey!

Character Ranking:

5. The Fancy Suitor: Don’t underestimate this guy! He knows goiters!

4.  Atticus: Roserella’s newest love interest is a Russian Jew! We’re probably related!

3. Branson: Way to drop the zero. Time to get with the hero (Mary).

2. Patmore: You’re a feminist now. What you had is what we call a “feminist awakening.” Congrats!

1. Edith: Call London! Take your baby back!!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Some people tune in on Super Bowl Sunday for the halftime show. Others for the sport. And then there’s the crowd that is in it for the commercials. Somehow, for four hours every year, advertisers have been able to convince us not to talk or Instagram through the commercials and instead open ourselves up to laughing, cringing, but mostly crying at the stories they’ve cooked up. This year, Mindy Kaling walks through a car wash, Nationwide kills a kid to teach us a lesson, and Steve Buscemi becomes Jan Brady.

Most Likely to Make Everyone Stop Insisting They’re Not Feminists: Always: ‘#LikeAGirl‘

Do you know someone who says stuff like “We don’t need feminism anymore” or “I’m not a feminist”? If so, please send them this commercial that exposes how deep misogyny goes in our culture. Oh, and next time someone does say “throw like a girl,” show them this Sports Illustrated cover. Who run the world? Girls!

Most Likely to Make You Think of Your First Chat Room Boyfriend/Girlfriend: BMW i3: ‘Newfangled Idea’

More than 20 years ago, Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel were confounded by the @ sign and asked someone to explain what the hell the Internet was on live television. Now, they’re wondering what an emissions-free car is. This commercial doesn’t make me want to buy a car, but it does make me wonder where my first chat room boyfriend ended up. Maybe the same place as all those free AOL trial CDs?

Most Likely to Make You Paranoid Enough to Home School Your Kids: Nationwide: ‘Make Safe Happen’

Pardon my French, but wtf? You’re drinking a cold beer and enjoying your friends’ company and then Nationwide kills a kid. Party foul.

Most Likely to Make You Get a Twitter Account Just So You Can Ask Mindy Kaling to Be Your BFF: Nationwide, ‘Invisible Mindy’

If you don’t have time to watch the latest Mindy Project episode, just watch this instead. Mindy walks through a car wash, stuffs her face with mint ice cream the same way you do when you’re home alone, and tries to make out with Matt Damon. Jennifer Lawrence needs to do something kooky and relatable really quickly or she’s going to be dethroned as our favorite imaginary bestie.

Most Likely to Give You Nightmares When You Accidentally Fall Asleep During Savasana: Squarespace, ‘Om’

Jeff Bridges sits over sleeping people chanting Om and playing a meditation bowl. The start of a horror movie or a reminder that you should probably start going to yoga again (if you dare).

Most Likely to Make You Cancel Your Plans to Rewatch The Brady Bunch Movie: Snickers: ‘The Brady Bunch’

Some intern over at Snickers headquarters probably went up to her boss and was like, “Hey, The Brady Bunch is having a major moment on Tumblr right now.” And the rest is advertising history, with Danny Trejo as Marcia and Steve Buscemi as Jan.

Most Likely to Make You Resolve to Take Fewer Selfies: T-Mobile, ‘#KimsDataStash’

Kim Kardashian is here to remind us that she still can’t act and that you probably take too many selfies and that you should never tell anyone you still watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and something about how your data plan sucks.

Most Likely to Bring Up Memories of Playing Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64: Kia: ‘The Perfect Getaway’

Pierce Brosnan plays off of his most famous role (no, not the run-by fruiting victim from Mrs. Doubtfire) in this James Bond-esque car ad. All the explosions and dangers will have you longing for your N64 controller in no time.

Most Likely to Make You Want to Rewatch Homeward Bound: Budweiser: ‘Lost Dog’

For the past couple of years, Budweiser has been using cute horses and puppies to pull at our heartstrings. You might think this strategy would stop working. You’d be wrong. In this year’s visit to the farm, a puppy finds himself far from home and must make a long trek back. Some wolf tries to cause trouble, but the puppy is rescued by the stable’s horses. Cheers!

Most Likely to Make You Wonder Whether Your Grandparents Still Have Sex: Fiat, ‘Little Blue Pill’

A horny, old Italian man drops his last Viagra pill out the window and it travels all over the village before plopping into the tank of a Fiat. The car then gets a boner. I wish I was making this up. R.I.P. Advertising/Art/All things sacred.

By Aya de Leon

I see a trend over the past 20+ years: cop shows offer female audiences what we’ve been craving—strong, complicated, brilliant women protagonists—yet there seems to be a sexual violence “trade-off.” Older, more experienced women get to be powerful investigators, but the cases they get to investigate include disproportionate (and graphic) representations of violence against younger women and girls.

The Fall, for example, follows Belfast detective Stella Gibson, played by Gillian Anderson (The X-Files), a brilliant, independent female lead who defies convention. According to TV critic Emily Hashimoto, “It is clear that the detective is in charge of herself without any shame and guilt-ridden trappings often bestowed on female characters. Too often, women in TV and film are cast as incapable in their professional lives, waylaid by personal issues or a hysterical abundance of emotions….it is utterly refreshing to see a female character be good at her job without worrying about having a boyfriend or children.” However, the antagonist is “a serial killer…who favors targeting pretty young professional women,” Hashimoto says. “We see the way he stalks and plans; we see his violence.”

In The Bletchley Circle, we have a 1950s historical drama about four women who must return to civilian life after cracking Nazi codes during WWII. Sworn to secrecy about their classified work, they have to fit back into a world that denies the existence of their intelligence and crushes their ambition. They begin to investigate a series of murders that the police have gotten wrong. And you guessed it: the serial killer preys on women (the second season continues with more than one case featuring sexual violence).

Perhaps we have the U.K. to thank for this trend. In 1991, Prime Suspect premiered on ITV, starring Helen Mirren as Detective Chief Inspector, one of the first females to hold the position in Greater London’s Metropolitan Police Service. Her original case involves the rape and murder of a young woman.

On this side of the Atlantic, the trend escalated in 1999 with Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with the ascension of detective Olivia Benson. It seems that one “advantage” of shows with bright female protagonists that investigate violence against women is that the villain can turn his sights on the show’s heroine. This certainly happens in both seasons of Bletchley, and most famously with SVU’s Benson being kidnapped by a sadistic rapist/murderer. Violence-on-the-job also affects Brenda Leigh Johnson, a Los Angeles Police Department Deputy Chief, played by Kyra Sedgwick in TNT’s The Closer.

There seem to be no age boundaries for many of these shows, offering stories of toddlers and small children who are raped and/or killed. In the pilot of the U.S. version of Prime Suspect, a woman is raped and murdered in front of her children. I had to stop watching, several shows later, when an episode featured the confession of a convicted sex offender. It was the dramatization of the perverse pleasure he took in sexually assaulting a child that was the deal-breaker.

These things happen and we must acknowledge them so we can end violence against women and children. However, giving airtime to the perspectives of the abusers is troubling. I can’t get that guy’s voice out of my head, even years later. But it’s not just the children, it’s the ever-escalating sexual violence, mostly against woman and girls, episode after episode.

Part of the problem is that these shows take this kind of violence as a fact of life. Even Helen Mirren herself has criticized such casual violence. According to The Independent, Mirren spoke out “against the extensive images of dead young women in contemporary dramas. Agreeing with playwright David Hare’s recent remark that he ‘can’t stand the body count in contemporary drama,’ Ms. Mirren…added: ‘Most of those bodies are young women.’” There’s no parallel interest in shows about women healing from sexual violence, or shows about changing the society to prevent such violence from happening, only the ratings-grabbing police procedurals with the glorified and desensitizing violence.

The same year that the U.S. Prime Suspect debuted, so did another police procedural with a strong female lead: Fox’s The Chicago Code. This series featured an ensemble cast, with Jennifer Beals starring as the newly appointed first-female Chicago Police Superintendent, Teresa Colvin. Colvin vows to clean up Chicago’s notorious corruption, and sets her sights on a corrupt alderman. The Chicago Code has the same suspenseful cat-and-mouse structure, where we see the hero and the villain stalking and trying to outsmart each other. But in this series, violence against women is not at the center, rather it’s the integrity of a city. The show was cancelled after its first season.

I’m left with a chicken or egg question: is the culture of TV simply preoccupied with violence against women and it develops shows with strong female protagonists in order to capture women audiences? Or do producers worry that shows with strong female leads will fail to attract broad audiences unless they offer an underlying violent threat against female power and autonomy overall?

Either way, I find myself dropping these shows from my watch lists. I miss following the lives and minds of the protagonists, but it’s just not worth it.

After months of speculation, controversy and high hopes, Fresh Off the Boat finally arrived last night. The show, based off the unflinchingly honest memoir of restaurateur/general badass Eddie Huang, fit snugly among ABC’s other family-friendly Wednesday night sitcoms (the unstoppable Modern Family and unexceptionally likable The Middle). The show, like the book, chronicles Huang’s formative years growing up in very white Orlando in a very Taiwanese family. It’s non-offensively funny, sweet and cute; everything Huang feared it would be.

Not one to keep his feelings to himself, Huang penned a fiery essay for New York Magazine, in which he called out the network and people he worked with for attempting to water down his story. As he saw it, they were trying to make his authentic Taiwanese Chairman baos into Orange Chicken from Panda Express.

I began to regret ever selling the book, because Fresh Off the Boat was a very specific narrative about SPECIFIC moments in my life…The network’s approach was to tell a universal, ambiguous, cornstarch story about Asian-Americans resembling moo goo gai pan written by a Persian-American who cut her teeth on race relations writing for Seth MacFarlane. But who is that show written for?

That’s the central question Huang has been wrestling with since Fresh off the Boat began an arduous journey to become a sitcom on the increasingly colorful network. And now that the show is out for public consumption, it’s a question audiences have to answer too.

Huang is right to be angry at the idea that his show needs to be “Americanized” to become palatable to an audience. (We all know “American” is a friendly euphemism for white and male.) His book is bawdy, it doesn’t shy away from the complexities of race and feelings of otherness, and it’s rife with those wonderfully awkward life lessons that transform children into the adults they’ll one day become. Most importantly, it reveals new dimensions to what it means to be Asian in America, going beyond stereotypes to delve into the hearts of the people­­—his people. Basically, it’s the stuff of great television.

Yet as Huang aptly points out in his essay, his very specific perspective doesn’t jibe with the myth that Americans are all one in the same.

While ABC may feel they need to sanitize the messiness of Huang’s life to make it universally relatable, they’re wrong. What makes the show relatable is that Huang is different. Everyone, everywhere feels like an outsider looking in at some point in his or her life, which is how young Eddie feels most of the time. Eddie’s different from his Lunchable-eating classmates, from his freewheeling neighbor, even from his swagger-less family. It’s those recounted memories that made the book a New York Times bestseller and it’s those onscreen moments that pull viewers in, bringing the show to life.

As a non-Asian American from a non-immigrant background, this show is not for me (ABC airs mine on Wednesdays at 9:30 and Thursdays from 9-11 PM). That’s okay; I’m going to keep watching. Although a show like Fresh Off the Boat doesn’t tell my exact story, I can still be entertained and educated by what I see; maybe more so because I’m looking at the world with the fresh eyes of foreigner.

Despite all his frustration with the show, even Huang can see that the audience he intended is broader than anything he ever imagined.

This show isn’t about me, nor is it about Asian America…Sell them pasteurized network television with East Asian faces until they wake up intolerant of their own lactose, and hit ‘em with the soy.

So now it’s up to us as audience; if we like what we see—and there’s a lot to like—then ask for more. If we let networks decide what we want and how we want it, then we’ll continue to have a television landscape that doesn’t accurately reflect the true diversity of the America they’re trying to please. So let them know that you’ll slide over your mac ‘n’ cheese to make room for something new.