‘Twas ever thus: seasons change, dogs molt and stars of phenomenally popular television shows junk their secure employment for “exciting new roles.” Downton Abbey, now in its fifth season (9pm Sundays on KQED 9) is no stranger to departing actors—many of whom came to the Crawley estate from very different roles, or have since gone on to unexpected things. So to all those still missing Matthew, Sybil et al, I say: why not let that aching sense of loss be your spur to discover some dark, strange and under-appreciated stuff these actors have given the world before or since Downton?

Dan Stevens (as Matthew Crawley, last seen in 2012’s Christmas Special)

Why not watch him in: The Guest (2014)

Well, I’ll be damned if little Matthew Crawley wasn’t responsible for the best — but also most underrated — American thriller of last year (even better than Nightcrawler!). The Guest was the movie for which Dan Stevens got buff and jumped the Good Ship Downton to widespread outcry — particularly in his native Britain, where ridiculing homegrown stars who exhibit any sense of ambition to “crack America” is basically a national pastime. On the evidence of this irresistible homage to 1980s thrillers, the doubters should now be eating humble pie, or at least they would be, if anyone had actually seen it. (The Guest made barely over $300,000 in the U.S., and was met with a critical reception best described as “eh?”)

Mis-sold as a horror film on the back of director-writer team Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett’s 2011’s previous family-in-peril movie, the preposterously enjoyable You’re Next, this movie is totally Stevens’ show. Physically unrecognizable as the same gentle Matthew who stole your mother’s heart, he’s the titular Guest: the wiry, intense David who turns up unannounced on the doorstep of a bereaved family introducing himself as a soldier who served alongside their late son. He’s quickly invited to “stay awhile,” and he’s soon drinking beer with the grieving parents, picking up their troubled son from school and hogging the bathroom from their 20 year-old daughter. But as he inveigles himself further into their lives, ominous questions arise. Why doesn’t David have any I.D? Why is he trying to buy a gun? And why do people all around them keep getting injured or turning up dead?

Thanks to its insistent electro-synth score, splashy neon palette and taciturn lead hardman prone to bursts of extreme violence, The Guest has been characterized online as “Drive with a sense of humor,” but really that’s overselling Drive. It’s clear that David’s unnerving demeanor, ambiguous intentions, and his Terminator bar-brawl moves all point towards something very bad about to go down. What sets this movie apart from a thousand other generic thrillers is a) its gleeful refusal to let a well-worn plot play out how you’re expecting and b) its deep love of the “relentless foe” movies (Halloween, The Hitcher, Terminator) to which it’s paying tribute.

Whether Stevens is charming his dead pal’s mother, entrancing the aforementioned sister in a much-Tumblred bathroom scene or mounting a disproportionately vicious assault on some unfortunate high school bullies, he’s compelling, terrifying and — most refreshingly — really funny, with a sly sense of humor that’s totally crucial to this movie’s infectious absurdity. (Just watch the way he rolls his eyes and tuts in exasperation while dodging bullets.) Right up until the climactic showdown that mischievously literalizes the true horror of your high-school prom, Stevens just gets the inherent ridiculousness of the lone-wolf archetype that Ryan Gosling made so ultimately uninteresting, and its a joy to watch. So if all Downton alumni’s forays into the world of action movies are this good, step up, Carson; Liam Neeson can’t keep hogging the middle-aged hero niche forever!

Jessica Brown Findlay (as Lady Sybil, last seen in Season 3)

Why not watch her in: Black Mirror, “Fifteen Million Merits”

Lady Sybil was the first real Downton character to be sacrificed to an actor’s ambitions. Unlike Dan Stevens, she clearly harbored no desire to ‘cast off the corset,’ choosing instead a series of costumed roles. Unfortunately, her first major movie after exiting the show was the widely-derided period 2014 fantasy Winter’s Tale with Colin Farrell. (Fun fact: Martin Scorsese apparently turned down the chance to direct that adaptation of Mark Helprin’s 1983 novel, calling it “unfilmable.” When Martin Scorsese says he literally doesn’t know how he’d make your film, maybe this is a red flag?)

No matter: as you sip your Lady Sybil Memorial Martini on a Sunday night in front of Downton Season 5, consider next firing up the episode of British satire/science fiction Black Mirror that Brown Findlay starred in back in 2011. Now on Netflix in its entirety (which is the reason everyone you know and their dog is now talking about it), this British show is best described as a technophobe Twilight Zone, with each stand-alone episode envisioning a different nightmarish way our obsession with all things digital might destroy our humanity.

“Fifteen Million Merits” imagines a dystopian tower-block world in which bovine citizens spend most of their waking hours pedaling on exercise bikes to earn “merits” that can be used to skip the incessant advertising that literally surrounds them. The one glimpse of humanity in this hideous world is the budding affinity between protagonist Bing and a girl named Abi (Brown Findlay), whom he overhears singing and encourages to audition live on TV for the thinly-veiled X-Factor-style talent show that occupies their screens in between commercials. Unfortunately, this gesture of friendship and self-determination sparks their descent into a worse Hell than the one they inhabit: the world of reality television. Sweet, innocent Lady Sybil makes it down the elevator, through the teeming bodies waiting for their moment of stardom and onto the stage in front of the judges — but there’s a price for girls who don’t make the cut.

Admittedly, Black Mirror is never quite as subversive or cutting-edge as it believes itself to be, and its didacticism about the insidious evils of the screens that surround us (the “black mirrors” of the title) is about as subtle as having an actual TV smashed over your head. But each of its episodes are guaranteed to be the strangest things you’ll watch on a screen this year and, in that sense, its ambition can’t be faulted. And if its all too depressing? At least there’s a bonus for lovers of costumed dramas: Rupert Everett as one of the odious talent show judges.

Siobhan Finneran (Sarah O’Brien, last seen in Season 4)

Why not watch her in: Boy A

If that Black Mirror episode is too pessimistic for you, then for goodness’ sake don’t go near this next one. Before playing lady’s maid/certified bad egg Sarah O’Brien in Downton — last seen absconding to India, in search of bigger and brighter lady’s maid opportunities — Siobhan Finneran was a reliable face around British film and TV for years. Her roles were often in mysteries and crime dramas, but surely none so bleak as 2007’s Boy A, a sparse drama charting the plight of a young man (a young Andrew Garfield, of The Amazing Spiderman fame) newly-released from prison for a murder he and a friend committed aged just 10 years old.

After spending over half of his life behind bars, the shy 24 year-old known only as “Boy A” during his trial is given a new name, a new identity and a fresh start in a town far away from his previous life. Desperate for normality and to leave his unspeakable past behind him, “Jack” slowly begins to forge friendships with new coworkers (including Shaun Evans, a.k.a. the young Inspector Morse in PBS’ Endeavour) and find a delicate happiness with his first-ever girlfriend. But of course, it can’t last: the tabloid papers have learned that the notorious Boy A has been released from prison and there’s a bounty online for details of his new identity.

Despite its premise (drawing from the infamous 1993 UK murder of the British toddler James Bulger by two 10 year-old boys), Boy A’s handling of the disturbing subject matter is unfailingly sensitive and almost too poignant. Garfield is heartbreaking, as vulnerable as a child in his mannerisms and expressions, making the sparing flashbacks to his childhood before the shocking murder — bullied by his peers, surrounded by adults who are too tired, sick or unfeeling to protect him — doubly unbearable to watch.

As the unsuspecting woman who takes in Jack as her lodger, Siobhan Finneran’s role is a small but crucial one. Ignorant of the true identity of the young man she’s opened her home to, she represents not only the wider community that houses the kind of people like Jack in the real world, but also the deception that safe harbor demands.

While Boy A‘s primary focus is the inadequacies of a society that incarcerates children, it’s her character’s un-O’Brien-ish openness and warmth (glimpsed in the easy silence in which she and Garfield eat their TV dinners side-by-side) that drives home the moral conundrum of this kind of offender rehabilitation. Why? Because to work, it totally relies on her lack of consent. One thing’s for sure: after this and 2010’s sob-fest Never Let Me Go, Andrew Garfield has a whole generation of film-goers conditioned to start weeping at the mere sight of his big brown eyes. Proceed with caution — and tissues.

Ring ring! Who is it? Why, it’s another week of Downton Abbey of course! Spoiler alert, dear friends! Onward!

We begin with a telegram, for Lady Edith. Hughes looks on, concerned, and the telegram passes from Molesley to Carson and finally to Edith as she breakfasts with Rose. The news, of course is not good (this is Edith after all). It’s so bad that Robert “Donk” Grantham breaks his silent treatment to speak with Cora, who appears to be John Lennon-ing it for peace in bed. The news: Edith’s Editor is coming to Downton.

Downstairs, the Downstairs-ites discuss the odds that the news from the Editor is good or bad. Hughes, more an MLK Jr.-type peacemaker than Cora’s John Lennon, tries to help patch up the relationship issues between her BF Carson and her BFF Patmore.

In Mary’s room, Mary the Sociopath makes jokes about her sister’s dead husband. Because her sister’s misery can only hold her interest for so long, she becomes excited about a letter that says Blake and Tony are coming to Downton for a fight to the death over Mary. Or maybe a horse race. Either way, she’s excited.

Elsewhere, the Old Ladies Club meets to play cards and talk about boyz as usual.

Downstairs, Thomas’ treatments are turning him into an evil vampire. His voice is getting lower, his skin paler, and he seems to be smoking cigarettes at every possible moment.

At some sort of lunch, Edith waits for the Editor to show while her family talks merrily about architectural drawings, the health of the common man and Rose’s love interest Atticus (FREE HARPER LEE).

In the Bates’ cottage, the time has finally arrived for Mr. Bates to find and be morally outraged by Mary’s prophylactic.

In a shady alley, Violet takes her new maid on a trip to the Russians.

In a car, unceremoniously, the Editor arrives.

Downstairs, Hughes and Patmore, a.k.a. the newest chapter of the Feminist Society of Downton, decides to include a couple new recruits: Carson (so progressive to add a man!) and Daisy, who is actually too busy learning things to be in the society right now.

In a dingy room, Violet meets her Russian Prince for what is “not [their] first secret assignation.” This time, it’s, ostensibly, to tell the Prince that his wife is probably alive. Instead, as things are wont to do with a certain type of smoldering older nobleman, things get sexy. “If Irina were dead, I’d ask you to run away with me right now,” the Prince tells Violet. “I loved you more than I loved her. Even today. Even this afternoon.” Whoa, boy. Run away with him, Violet! Take Baby Marigold and just go!

Downstairs, the police are calling again. This time, they want to come interview Baxter. Geez Louise. Whose tax dollars are paying for all these trips?? Is this really where the state wants to invest money? Cold cases of jerks getting maybe-murdered?

In the library, Donk comes to tell Cora that they have another child with a dead spouse, though only not-an-official spouse so, like, no harm no foul, right? Plus, I mean, it’s Edith so who really cares? Apparently, Michael was done in by ACTUAL HITLER or else his closest, best buds. History lesson! Apparently Hitler was in jail for a while? But, never mind because Edith just inherited a publishing company! If Violet doesn’t take Marigold and run, I hope Edith does!

At the Baby Watcher’s House (obviously), it is increasingly surprising that the over-zealous English law officials haven’t been called to the scene due to Edith’s problems with stalking.

Downstairs, things are tense. Thomas is nearly dying, Bates One is onto Bates Two re: contraception device and Molesley is just being weird as usual.

At Violet’s, an interpersonal battle between her two servants that was too boring to mention before this seems to have come to a head over a disagreement regarding laundering underwear. It remains nearly too boring to mention.

At the Bates cottage, Bates One is giving Bates Two the silent treatment due to the prophylactic discovery. All the people with living spouses seem to now be not on speaking terms with each other.

In the kitchen, Molesley gives Daisy a book on history.

In Donk’s room, Donk is being his usually childish baby self and refusing to go back into Cora’s room because his lil baby ego is hurt. Hey, Donk, remember when you had actual sex with a maid? Because I remember. And I think Cora has a pretty good idea that happened too.

Donk apparently remembers the maid sex thing and gets out of bed to go join Cora.

Downstairs, the Intrepid Detectives are back for Baxter. Clearly this is Thomas-related.

In the library, Mary, Branson, Donk and Cora look at drawings of houses and Isis lies on the floor like a dog. A sick dog. Oh, Isis, don’t be sick! Don’t leave us! Even if your name is now the same name as an international terror organization! You’re the heart and soul of this show!

Downstairs, Thomas the Dying Villain looks worse than usual. So bad in fact he asks Baxter for help. He has some sort of horrible thing on his body. Baxter should probably just let Thomas die because he ratted her out to just about everyone. But since she’s an Angel from Heaven, she decides to take him to the Doctor. Boooooo!

Somewhere, Mary receives a horrible bob from a fake Frenchman.

At the Doctor’s, it turns out Thomas has just been injecting himself with saline using a dirty needle. So not even a fun or real drug. The Doctor, ever an anachronistic kindly old man, tells Thomas it’s best to just accept yourself for who you are and #ItGetsBetter.

In the rainy village, Baxter the Saint also tells Thomas #ItGetsBetter. Yeah, totally, you guys. It definitely #GetsBetter in roughly 100 years.

In the library, Isis is not so hot. Noooo! I can’t take the death of a character I actually care about!

The Feminist Society’s Secondary Chapter takes a field trip to Patmore’s new house.

In the drawing room, Mary debuts her unflattering haircut. Luckily, Granny’s on the case: “Oh, it is you!” she says. “I thought it was a man wearing your clothes.”

Edith, in black, points out that everyone talking about haircuts the day after her not-husband was confirmed dead is uncool. Of course everyone takes Mary’s side. Hey, Edith, ugh, stop being such a downer. Let your family go to a fun party picnic if they want to!

At the Bates cabin, Bates One calls out Bates Two for thinking he’s a murderer. It turns out that God actually pushed Anna’s Rapist and someone somewhere has the ticket Bates would have used to get to London, but it’s whole which means he never went to London. Verdict: Adnan didn’t do it!!

Downstairs, Molesley decides to become an ally of the Downton Feminist Society and encourages Daisy’s studies.

Downstairs in the hall, Anna asks Hughes if she still has the ticket that would exonerate Bates and prove, again, that he’s not a murderer. Apparently Hughes doesn’t  have the ticket, but, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound like Hughes to me.

At the horse race, the Girl Who Tony Jilted is there with Blake, prepared to race herself. Mary, whose hair and hat combo make her look like Alex from Clockwork Orange, is also joining in the race with the boys. Also, Tony. So it’s going to be a swingers party later at Downton. It’s not just the hair that’s modern, right, guys??

In the library, Edith tells Branson that she’s going away. Who would have thought Edith would escape before Tom though? Wow. I’m actually proud of Edith. I get it. Do you.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith prepares to abscond with her child. The Baby Watcher’s Wife is pretty pissed that the Baby Watcher lied to her about Marigold’s parentage. I mean, I get that. He could have told her and it would have been totally okay. The Baby Watcher smolders harder in the distance than even a Russian Prince. Edith takes Marigold and one hopes they live happily ever after.

At the race, Mary gets ready to outshine her droogs while her family looks on. In what might be the top moment of the season, Baby Sybbie says to her grandfather: “Can I have a look, Donk?” She speaks! And when she speaks, she calls him the correct name!!

Isobel tells Violet she’s decided to marry the Fancy Suitor. What will we call him then, the Fancy Fiancee? The Fancy Husband?

The race begins and of course it isn’t just any race but is in fact a symbolic race for dominance over the droogs! After the race (who won? did it matter?), the family meets Atticus’s Jewish Parents. Violet, who seems to have forgotten her daughter-in-law is one of the Chosen People too, is not excited. Someone tell her about the Jazz Singer, quick!

Back at the house, upstairs, everyone sees that Edith is gone and they are kind of relieved. Violet slips out to go check the Baby Watcher’s Farm for clues.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson are a little more concerned about Edith’s disappearance because they are not monsters like the Crawley family. I mean, they care a little but only a little because then Carson proposes that they jointly invest in property together! OMG the romance of it all! Hughes basically giggles.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, the Baby Watcher continues to smolder in the general direction of Violet.

Violet walks away, potentially a bit concerned that she pretty much ran her granddaughter out of Downton.

Never fear, Violet! In London, Marigold and her Mama are at a hotel and Edith is smiling. Have we seen this any time in the last 4 years? Edith for Life! Free Edith! And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. The Fake French Hairstylist: I love the way you tricked Mary into looking like a fictional criminal from the future!

4. Baby Sybbie: You called him Donk, kiddo. That’s all you had to do.

3. Isis the Dog: What is wrong you with doggers?! Don’t leave me!!

2. The Baby Watcher: Why is it only now that I am realizing how hot you are? You’re like Marlon Brando or something. Ugh. Those eyebrows. Never change.

1. Edith: She may be a sad sack and she may be a classic middle child, but gosh darn it, Edith is OUT. She’s the new Sybil and she’s doing it without a man even!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

Remember when Jon Stewart left his Daily Show post to shoot his first film in Jordan and your life wasn’t the same, but you managed to survive (just barely)? Well, I’m going to need you to hold onto that perservering strength while you read this statement from Comedy Central:

Thank you Jon. pic.twitter.com/yPdxjnkuLw

— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) February 10, 2015

First Colbert leaves us and now Jon Stewart?! So much of America is going to have to seek therapy for these abandonment issues. I would write more, but I’m too busy crying.

Update: Watch Jon Stewart announce his departure:

Bienvenue à Downton, mes amis! Mais bien sûr, SPOILER ALERT! On y va!

A train arrives. Or leaves. Or both if you want to get philosophical. Rosamund has come to deal with the immediate Edith Emergency, the true cause of which only Violet and Rosamund are currently aware. Violet apparently has decided to break a cardinal rule of Downton which is: never directly tell anyone information that would probably benefit them. She’s decided to tell Cora why Edith is gone.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson discuss the upcoming party, which of course Mary would never cancel just because her sister has gone missing. In fact, this seems like the kind of occasion that Mary would like to throw a party for.

In the library, Mary proves this hypothesis. Rose and Robert “Donk” Crawley join the side that thinks the show must go on. Unfortunately, before Violet and Rosamund can reveal the truth about Edith’s ovaries to Cora, The Baby Watcher’s Wife appears at the door to give her the news.

On the grounds, Tony and Blake go for a walk and talk about sex and how Blake really thinks Tony should break up with Mary (who has already broken up with him by the way so…).

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Bates talk about real estate.

In Cora’s room, the Grantham ladies meet to discuss Baby Marigold. Cora is reasonably upset that Rosamund and Violet are meddling meddlers who didn’t even tell her about their meddling. Cora, ever the radical American, suggests the shocking idea of asking Edith what she wants, if they can ever find her IN LONDON WHERE THEY KNOW SHE IS.

In the hall, Hughes asks a flapper-looking Mary about the ticket she gave her, a.k.a. the Bates Freedom Ticket. Sadly though, Mary burned said ticket. Also sadly, Angel Baxter is eavesdropping. Why? Did she kill The Rapist?

No time to think too much about it because Rose’s Atticus and his parents are here for the exciting party! It’s going to be so much fun without Edith around to wet blanket the whole thing, am I right?

In the kitchen, Daisy is sad about politics. She’s so smart and political now she’s basically a nihilist. We’ve all been there, Daisy. Welcome to your freshman year of college.

Downstairs, the Bateses are giving Angel Baxter the Mean Girl Treatment. If I know Baxter, she will use this opportunity to exonerate Bates once and for all. Because she’s an Angel from Heaven.

At dinner, Donk admits he married a half-Jew and is the Most Tolerant Man in Downton. On the other side of the table, Atticus’ dad and Cora have an awkward conversation about being Jewish-ish. On another other side of the table, Rosamund grills Branson on his spin-off plans. Now that Edith has gotten out, maybe he sees some potential for escape himself? And on yet another other side of the table, Smart Atticus cracks the Edith case wide open by suggesting they call the company she just inherited. Oooooh, Atticus, shoot, no one told you that they aren’t actually looking for Edith. It’s just sort of a game they are playing for a minute, until they can move on to another cocktail party. Edith who?

Apparently, there is another side of the table too because the Girl Who Tony Jilted is discussing marriage with Tony. Speaking of marriage, Isobel has a little announcement to make re: Fancy Fiance. Everyone is very excited, except of course for Violet who will now proceed to lose her BFF and watch said-former-BFF be happier and richer than her for the rest of her sad, Prince-less life. Mary is the only one who notices Granny’s sad face. When Granny lies and says the reason behind it is Edith, Mary makes her usual snide, worst-sister-in-the-world comments about how worthless Edith is. Granny finally fires back: “A lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears.”

Downstairs, Molesley tries to re-engage Daisy in the exciting world of literature, but Old Soul Daisy is so sad about politics she can’t be bothered with book learning anymore. Thanks, Obama!

In the drawing room, for some reason, Mary convinces the Fancy Fiancé to have a party for Isobel at Downton. Tony plays cards with the Girl He Jilted and pretends like he and Mary are still together because they had sex that one time. Dude, this guy is so clingy! She’s just not that into you, bro!

The Atticus Family leaves and Mary and Blake plot about how to shake Tony off. Rose tells Cora, Rosamund and Violet about her boyfriend’s super smart plan to call Edith’s work so Cora and Rosamund make plans to head to London and Cora makes plans to hate Violet for the rest of time.

At the Bates Household, the Most Boring Couple in Downton discuss real estate some more.

In the library, Isis is clearly already dead, but Branson and Donk aren’t super interested because they need to discuss man stuff like how, even though Branson is a Young Republican, they still aren’t going to make out and eventually run off together.

In London, Cora and Rosamund have very rudely shown up at Edith’s work, which is exactly where she is hiding out. So I’m guessing she was never that great at Hide and Seek as a child?

At Violet’s, Mary and Granny drink tea and listen to Sprat complain. Mary the Sociopath gets Violet to admit to having friendship feelings for Isobel.

At a bridge, Baby Sybbie and Branson discuss moving to America. Sybbie doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, to be honest.

Downstairs, the Bateses and the Molesleys and Thomas all have a stare-down. Soon, I imagine they will all make up and talk a lot about real estate together.

Upstairs, Mary receives a mysterious phone call from Blake, summoning her to London.

In the hall, Dead Isis has been moved to a different place in the house and Donk is beginning to catch on. Rose runs into the house just in time for a lecture from Donk about the Struggle of Interfaith Marriage.

At a tea house in London, Cora tries to convince Edith to bring Marigold to Downton. Edith, do not do it!! You’ve barely escaped!

Downstairs, Molesley is getting mail and surprise surprise the Bateses are talking about real estate. The Molesley mail is part of a ruse to get Daisy back into books and also a good chance for Thomas to show his newfound kindness (which I’m suspicious of, obviously) and get Baxter to go along with Daisy and Molesley to Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm.

On a train back to Downton, Edith and Marigold have been re-snared by the Downton-ites (why didn’t she just go to America?!) and there’s a hitch at the station! Mary is there. Ugh. And Anna has spotted them! The Baby Watcher smolders his way onto the train and takes possession of Baby Marigold, while Edith and Cora disembark. Why, Edith? Why do you trust anyone at this point? I feel like I’m watching a horror movie and Edith is the brunette waking into the dark basement on Halloween.

At tea, it is no longer the Old Ladies Club. Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé is there and the “No Boyz Allowed” sign has been removed from the door. (In case anyone has forgotten, the Fancy Fiancé is the father of Larry the Drugger so let’s hope this impending feast involves at least a little criminal activity.) The Fancy Fiancé leaves and the ladies talk boyz boyz boyz like usual, and also issues of household staff. (I refuse to engage in Sprat’s troll-y storyline; he’s a caricature and we have enough actual characters and enough drama so no, I will not discuss his random quitting during tea.)

At the movies in London, Blake pulls Mary out so he can kiss her on the mouth just as Tony walks out of the theater with the Girl He Jilted on his arm. Apparently that’s all it took to get him to move on! Wow! Such fun cool mind games. Mary, of course, loves it and is now sad that Blake is headed off to Poland (which sounds ominous) for like a year/all eternity.

At Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm, the ruse to get Daisy back to studying is totally working! All she needs is a more independent older white man to tell her what to do! Where is the Downton Feminist Society on this issue? Petulant College Freshman Daisy is still sad about politics, but she decides to sign up for sophomore English. Outside, Baxter the Angel tells Molesley she can’t tell the Bateses why she spoke with the police (spoiler: it’s because she’s a goddamn angel).

In the library, Edith is giving her family the Marigold “adoption” pitch when Isis the Not-Alive-Dog is carried in. Apparently the dog isn’t actually dead yet but has cancer and Cruel Donk wouldn’t let them put her down, instead opting to watch his favorite dog die in agony. Classic Donk. Anyway, most of the family is totally against Edith’s adoption plan. Luckily, everyone is so distracted by the Isis Tragedy that no one notices that Cora has agreed to let Edith adopt Marigold.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes talk about real estate (now a standard Downton greeting) and then Anna tells Hughes about what she witnessed at the train station, revealing that Anna and Hughes both know that Edith has a baby. Is this because of the picture they found? Why does everyone need to keep this secret if everyone already knows about it??

At dinner, The Fancy Fiancé’s sons are predictably awful. At first, it’s just Larry’s Little Brother but then Larry the Drugger starts piling on Isobel because she’s, gasp, middle class! The Fancy Fiancé is reasonably embarrassed that he has raised such a waste of human space and asks him to leave the table. In response, Larry the Drugger makes fun of chauffeurs and Jews. Oooh boy. The present chauffeur takes offense and rightly calls Larry the Drugger (who by the way, drugged him) a bastard. Larry leaves, but Larry’s Little Brother gets to stay and continue being a total jerk.

Downstairs, Molesley tells the tale of hero Branson calling Larry the Drugger a bastard.

In a hall, Atticus proposes to Rose and they kiss. Isobel is a little chilly to her Fancy Fiancé who hopefully is still her fiancé. Isobel, good people occasionally have awful children. Remember how Sybbie had like zero opinions on America earlier?

In Cora’s room, Cora and Donk put Isis in bed with them in some sort of metaphorical I don’t know what. Maybe Isis is their cancerous relationship and they’ve decided just to let it sleep with them for now?

And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Cora: I hate that you brought Edith back, but I like that you are letting Marigold kind of live with you.

4. Marigold: I hope you’re remembering all this back and forth, girl. You know who your true mother is!

 3. Isis: Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

2. Violet: You admitted you had a soul. Congrats!

1. Branson: If Edith can’t get out, you can. Also, extra points for calling someone a bastard at dinner.

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

Bethenny Frankel is not your average reality TV star. Arguably the most successful woman to come out of the Real Housewives franchise (just ask her Forbes cover), she started the show as the runner-up from The Apprentice: Martha Stewart who struggled to pay her rent. But it wasn’t long before she became a New York Times bestselling author, the lead of two spin-offs and the founder of Skinnygirl Cocktails. We caught up with Bethenny to talk about her new cocktail book, her return to the Housewives, what went wrong with her short-lived talk show, her Saved by the Bell past and so much more.

KQED Pop: I love that, unlike most weight watching books, Skinnygirl Cocktails comes from a place of yes, as it would with you, and it’s not about withholding anything, it’s about allowing…

Bethenny Frankel: Look at you!

I know, right? I did some research!

You drank the Kool-Aid. You drank the Skinnygirl. Wow. I love it.

Can you tell us a little bit about what made you finally put this book together?

Well, I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a cocktail book, given that that’s my whole business. People want to be able to make cocktails at home and I really think that this is the most affordable and impressive way to entertain, to have signature cocktails at your house that are low-calorie. People don’t feel guilty and that they’re gonna feel overly hungover the next day from all the sugar.

A signature cocktail is 9 times out of 10 what people will drink at a party because you’ve done the thinking and the creativity for them and it really ends up being very impressive and cost-effective.

You mentioned hangovers. Everyone has a drink that burned them early on that they can’t drink anymore. What drink do you stay away from?

Brown tequila. Any dark tequila. That’s college; that’s getting sick. Back in the day, I got pretty wasted on Long Island Iced Teas, but I definitely still love them. I would definitely make one and, if a restaurant had one, I would have to do it.

Your cocktail book has a huge variety of drinks appropriate for basically anyone so I’m gonna give you a celebrity name and you tell me what drink you would serve them. Let’s start with the Queen of all beings, Beyonce.

The Pink Lemon Drop. Or I might give her my White Cranberry Cosmo.

How about your friend Ellen Degeneres?

I would do Barenaked Vodka with three olives.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Ginsburg?? She needs to maintain her faculties. Probably the Skinnygirl Sauvignon Blanc.

I read somewhere that you’ve written all your books on your phone. What else do you get up to on your phone? Do you use Tinder?

I don’t have any apps.

No apps?!

No apps. Just texting, emailing, looking up things online, taking pictures, and writing books. And writing down restaurants I pass that I want to go to.

You’ve worked with pretty high profile mentors in the past. I mentioned Ellen, who was a huge supporter with your talk show, and, on the flip side, you’ve worked with Martha Stewart, who, every time I see you two interact, either on The Apprentice or on your show recently, gives off kind of a competitive vibe. What’s been your experience in dealing with other women in the industry?

Honestly, pretty positive. I’ve really grown to love women. I think women have been supportive and respectful and I don’t have anything negative to say about women or men. If you can hold your own and you can walk the walk and talk the talk and it’s not all fluff, people respect you and treat you well.

You’re a huge inspiration for a lot of women to start their own businesses. Who was that person for you growing up?

I don’t have one. I think there are successful women like Hillary Clinton, Barbara Walters, Arianna Huffington and Oprah, but I just always had my own idea and my own path.

I saw you on The View recently when you were promoting the book and you talked to them about how you value what they do because it was so hard for you on your own talk show. Can you talk more about what having your own show was like and how it was different than what you expected?

It’s very appropriate. It’s like directing traffic. It’s very orchestrated and I just like to be more rogue and more free and more edgy and inappropriate. And I felt a little confined.

I could definitely sense that. When we fell in love with you on the Housewives, you were the voice of reason, saying what no one else would say, and, on daytime TV, it doesn’t seem like that is valued.

No, and there are really very few formats, even on cable, that you would really be able to be who you are. I would say maybe Chelsea Handler had a situation where she could really be who she is, but she still had to drive traffic and worry about advertisers. I found that challenging.

So you’re leaving the talk show world and coming back to the Housewives, which so many people are excited about. In the interim between when you left and now, [Housewives have taken to] throwing prosthetic legs and wine glasses at people’s faces, and the brand seems to be more centered on women fighting other women. You’ve built your career on the opposite, women empowering women, so why go back now?

I think it’s a lack of personal creativity, or people feel like they don’t know what else  to do or say so they just want to do something outlandish. I’m doing the show because I miss the connection with women. For me personally, I think I have enough going on in my life that I don’t need to do something ridiculous or outlandish just to make it interesting.

I’m excited to be back, which is so crazy to me because I didn’t want to do it for a while. The first season was interesting because it was new, but I didn’t really love it thereafter, and even doing my own show was so much pressure. I’m really looking forward to it. I want the show to be good and successful, but the only way for that to be the case is if I’m real and honest and to be who I am. If that is interesting to people, then there you go. I don’t need to do the show, I want to do it. I feel like I needed it before.

Andy Cohen mentioned that you two were throwing around a couple of ideas for your return to TV before deciding that you would come back to the Housewives. Are you allowed to share any of those ideas that didn’t make it?

I can’t. We have another thing in the works together though, but I can’t talk about it.

That’s all I need to know, that there’s gonna be more Bethenny in the world.

I think so. But this is a lot for right now and it’s good. My whole business is very full and time-consuming and I have a daughter who is the most important.

Speaking of your daughter, there was that whole crazy thing about you in her PJs. How do you handle even the most innocuous part of your life being scrutinized?

I just don’t care. You can’t care. You can’t invest in every moronic thing that goes on in the world. You can’t get engaged.

Time for some random questions! If you were on stage at a karaoke bar, what would you be singing?

Maybe “Girl On Fire” [although] she’s hard to cover.

If you could live inside one movie, what would it be?

Wall Street or Love Actually.

If you could invite three people (dead, alive or fictional) to dinner, who would they be?

Pink, JFK, and George Clooney.

I read that you were a PA on Saved by the Bell. Do you have any behind the scenes intel?

Yes, I was. It was so long ago. I was so envious of what seemed to be their fabulous lives.

Elizabeth Berkley and I had kind of deep conversations. She was extremely, extremely focused, a very serious actress, like taking dance classes and acting classes. Mario Lopez, who I still know now and see the most, was always fun and kind of charming and had that sparkle. And Tiffani Thiessen was  the most popular girl on the show and in real life. She just seemed like that girl you wanted to be in high school.  Lark Voorhies, she was really sweet and she was kind of a little more serious. They were babies. They were nice kids.

And a lot of people came through that show. I remember Denise Richards came through, Tori Spelling, Leah Remini. I remember Leah Remini telling me that she basically could only afford a taco, living out of the back of her car. Yeah, it was an interesting experience.

I’ve heard that you have a new book coming out soon. 

I call it the big book. Naturally Thin was a big book. Place of Yes was a big book. This is a big book. And it’s kind of about mistakes that I’ve made.

I’m sure a lot of women will relate.

I think so. We’ll see.

Well, I can’t wait to read it and see you on the Housewives. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today.

Thank you!

When AMC announced that they were splitting Mad Men‘s final season into two, my eyes hurt from rolling so hard. Stop trying to be Harry Potter, Don Draper! I thought. But with the passage of time, I have grown to accept this decision and even be thankful for it; if the show had ended last year, we wouldn’t still be talking about these great characters or wildly speculating about what will happen in the final episodes based on a few promo photos!

So let’s start with the photo above. Megan is obviously not letting her breakup with Don rain on her navel-baring parade. She’s like, Look, y’all, my belly doesn’t have a baby in it so you can settle your Sharon Tate bets now. Maybe she’ll finally make it big in LA as Cher’s stand-in?

Betty is staring me down, pissed that I analyzed Megan first so let’s get to it. She’s still smoking and drinking and mean mugging. She already shot up some birds just for singing so maybe Betty’s final season involves murdering those on her shit list (everyone, except for Peggy’s secret baby only because she’s never met him).

Aw, Peggy. I look at her and I see love. I also see someone who traveled back in time and became a flapper. Good for you, Peg. You’ve gone through so much sexist workplace harassment that you deserve the ability to hop from decade to decade. You also deserve a spinoff.

Joan doesn’t seem to have drastically changed. Once a boss, always a boss.

Some old people loiter, while Sally Draper makes a fashion statement reminiscent of Sybil Crawley’s harem pants reveal (same color and everything!). She is basically Tavi Gevinson or a soon-to-be Anna Wintour. Can’t you picture it? If you had to deal with parents like hers, you would also wear sunglasses everywhere, instill fear in all who cross your path, and secretly plot against noisy celebrity babies.

Oh, right, this show is actually about Don. He’s drinking, per usual, and in California or upstate New York…or purgatory, thinking about all the messed up stuff he’s done over the years. If he’s still alive, he’ll soon be dead via a Jay Gatsby pool situation. Bye!

Got some speculations of your own? Leave ‘em in the comments!

There are so many good things about Orange Is The New Black. Jason Biggs’ character, Larry, is not one of them. He is spiteful, immature, and boring. And his storylines gobble up precious airtime that could be spent on Taystee and everyone else we’d rather watch. The OITNB writers must have sensed all the Larry-related eyerolls from around the world because he will not be appearing on Season 3. At all!

Can you believe our good fortune?

At last we can brush him off our shoulders!

How I’ll be walking for the rest of the day:

You know, when I’m not dancing in celebration:

Season 3 of Orange Is The New Black is set to premiere this June on Netflix. Can’t wait!

We are here! The Penultimate Episode! Suddenly, I am feeling sad and pre-nostalgic for this season. Is this the end? Does all the talk of changing times and America and real estate mean we’re soon to part ways forever? Maybe after next season? Only time will tell. Until then, spoiler alert. Here we go!

In a hall, Thomas looks positively not-dying. Serious and in charge and not smoking in a corner. Is this a new Team-Player Thomas? He’s handing lists off to people in a non-sneaky way. I don’t know. I’ll believe it when he’s four years clean from being the Bad Guy.

In the kitchen, Patmore and Daisy are working on what appears to be a wedding cake! OMG. Either Rose is about to get hitched or Isobel is. Either way, tension and drama!

In a room somewhere, the future bride appears to be Rose, who is trying on outfits in front of the ladies. The whole team is there except for Edith obviously because she’s just no fun. The team does some exposition on such important topics as mixed-religion marriages and the status of Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife.

Downstairs, Hughes does a little exposition of her own, letting all those O’Brien fans out there know that we will not be seeing her at Rose’s nuptials (she left Cora for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife, you may remember). I guess they couldn’t pay her enough to get her back for one entertaining episode? It also seems that Rose’s parents are dead broke and that Atticus’ Rich Dad (trying to ignore the blatant stereotyping here of my people) is going to save the whole family.

In the library, Robert “Donk” Grantham is playing Chutes and Ladders with Baby Sybbie. Look, I know in Britain it’s called “Snakes and Ladders,” but this is America and I play by American rules here. In a surprise move, Mary calls her dad Donk too and she possibly earns herself a spot in tonight’s rankings. Edith plays with a very strangely vacant-looking Marigold and talks to Tom about the machine business in Massachusetts.

Downstairs, it appears that the Law & Order team is coming back to interrogate both Mr. and Mrs. Bates.

In the drawing room, Mary is pissed that Edith is 1000x better at being a mom than her.

Downstairs, Baxter continues to try to ingratiate herself to the Bateses, but those Mean Girls would rather die in prison than be nice to her for one single second.

At the downstairs table, Baxter puts the moves on Molesley (tells him she’ll go to a museum with him in London). The war memorial plot line pops up again because apparently it’s just like the most interesting thing ever and so they have to unveil it after the wedding. So the final episode is going to be about the war memorial? My pre-nostalgia is fading.

At the Dowager’s house, the Prince is waiting in the drawing room and Violet is going to put on her lavender day dress! Are they finally going to kiss?!

In the library, Carson and Donk discuss the war memorial and I take a nap.

In her drawing room, the Prince is propositioning Violet: “I wish to spend my final years with you…as a friend, as a lover.” OH MY GOD! Make. Out. Now.

Downstairs, the Law & Order team is trying to victim blame Anna and also murder-blame her. I mean, do we know she didn’t do it? I feel like she was convinced Bates One did it so it can’t be her. Or is that a trick?!

In the library, Donk is talking to a guy about making plans for a tombstone for Isis, the Dog Who Is Not Affiliated With Any Terrorist Organization.

At the Dowagers, nothing interesting happens with her help.

Downstairs, Anna considers telling the cops that the Rapist was also her rapist.

Everyone leaves for London except for the babies because this isn’t Fashion Week, am I right?? Donk is sort of suspicious about Marigold, but he’s not very smart so he’s not sure why he’s suspicious.

In London, enter a New Cast Member to help out the Downstairs Team at the wedding. He’s tall and handsome. Is Thomas going to finally have a real love interest as a prize for good behavior?

Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife also arrive in London with sour expressions and no personal attendants. Immediately, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife causes a scene by refusing to share a room with her husband. Ugh. So mean.

Upstairs, Rose tries to bond with Shrimpy’s Mean Wife a.k.a. her mom. It goes just okay.

Downstairs in London, Anna’s plot thickens as does the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member as Thomas straightens the New Cast Member’s bow tie and the New Cast Member sort of grimaces.

In the drawing room in London, Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife sort of bicker, as the Crawley’s await the arrival of Atticus’ family. It seems like Shrimpy’s Mean Wife and Atticus’ Mean Dad are going to really try to sabotage this whole true love thing. Rose should have definitely tried to marry the Jazz Singer first or maybe a woman. Then this whole thing would have gone down so easily!

Downstairs in London, Hughes still doesn’t tell Carson what really happened to Anna, though she should because love’s all about honesty, girl.

At dinner, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife starts off by asking her future Jewish in laws/meal ticket racist questions. Atticus’ Mean Dad retorts by telling Rose she isn’t a Chosen Person. The talk then turns to Atticus’ Bachelor Party (see Snakes and Ladders; this is America and that’s not a Stag Party). I didn’t know they had Bachelor Parties in the 1920s, but apparently it’s “rooted in ancient history.” Then, a bit out of left field if you ask me, Atticus’ Mean Dad mentions how much he hates divorce and it’s like the worst thing he’s ever heard of. Shrimpy’s Mean Wife implies she’s about to get a divorce.

In a hall, Violet and Isobel talk about boyz as usual.

In a drawing room, Terrible Mom/Sister Mary gets in like 15 negs on Edith in the space of two minutes.

In a bedroom, Donk and Cora talk like a proper husband and wife who don’t hate each other’s guts. Yeah. Sure. Totally.

In the hall, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife gives Carson a letter. Obviously this means something.

Downstairs, Patmore lovingly yells at Daisy and then submits when Donk goads her into going to the war memorial unveiling. He must have something planned; my guess is a little stone memorial of her nephew.

At Scotland Yard, Anna is put in a lineup of what I hope are other victims of her Rapist. I am hoping for a scene in which they all, one by one, stand up and say “I did it” and then none of them go to jail.

Downstairs, it seems like Violet’s Lady’s Maid has designs on the New Cast Member who is Thomas’s! Step down, lady! Patmore and Daisy get into existentialism and then decide, like, never mind.

In a drawing room, the Crawley’s openly despise each other.

At The Hangover: Downton Abbey, Atticus is wasted and a lady is putting the moves on him in an elevator, but he very kindly puts her off. Until she shows up in his room and does some weird stuff with her outfit. Fact: I said “Ooooh” when this happened because I realized that this must be what Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s letter was about.

Downstairs, the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member continues to build. Hopefully.

At lunch in London, Troll Mary has picked the location of Edith and Michael’s first date for the sibling pre-marriage luncheon. That general sisterly unkindness is completely overshadowed by the motherly unkindness of pictures of Atticus with “a tart of some kind” sent by messenger. Rose breaks down at luncheon and then Tom, a genius of some kind, tells her to talk to Atticus about it! What?! Has he seen this show?? Never talk to your spouse or potential spouse about anything important ever! Tom then suggests Atticus’ Mean Dad is behind the dirty pics. Right track, Tom, wrong evil parent.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson debate systematic racial injustice and personal intolerance. Then Violet’s Lady’s Maid continues her play for the New Cast Member.

Somewhere in a garden, Molesley walks with his harem and they discuss the transformative power of art. Daisy says, “I feel as if I’ve been down a coal hall and someone’s opened a lid and brought me into the sunlight.” I, unable to contain myself, said, “Oh, god.” So now Daisy’s an Art Major? The threesome see Rose and Atticus fighting in the park and Beyonce Baxter says: “You’re never safe ’til the ring’s on your finger.”

At Atticus’ house, Atticus confronts Atticus’ Mean Dad about the dirty pic scandal. The Mean Dad is like, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t think our legacy is worth throwing away for “this little shiksa.” Okay now, is it just me or does Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Yiddish sound really forced? This is the first time we’re hearing it and I’m not convinced at all. Atticus’ Mean Dad gives Atticus a lecture on Judaism right before Rose et al. arrive.

Before the dinner, everyone tries to act normal as true love sort of falls apart. Mary tries to hide how happy it makes her that true love is falling apart by talking about murdering Edith. Mary, you are a monster. Rose quickly forgives Atticus and they join together as an team of Encyclopedia Browns to find their saboteur. Shrimpy and the Olds get together to explain that the Empire is collapsing.

Downstairs, Thomas, the pot, calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid, the kettle, black by telling her to stop being a bully. Takes one to know one.

In the kitchen, Daisy complains about how art has changed her life so much she has to move to London now and experience the real world. Patmore almost starts crying because, even though Daisy’s become an obnoxious brat, she’s still her obnoxious brat.

Downstairs, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady’s Maid are missing. Where oh where have they gone and when oh when will Thomas rescue him?!

In Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s room, Shrimpy is waiting for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife because he, like us, knows that she is the villain behind the Atticus dirty pic situation. Turns out he has proof in the form of a checkbook stub! Always pay in cash when you are trying to sabotage your daughter’s happiness!

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he’s selling the art that the Art Guy loved so much. Cora looks sad because that guy was honestly nice to her and a lot better of a human than Donk. Rose and the old ladies talk about happiness, love, boyz, etc. and then Carson comes in to tell Violet that her Lady’s Maid is “sick.” Mary and Branson talk about how Tom is leaving for America after Christmas.

Downstairs, Violet’s Lady’s Maid is waaaasted. Daisy goes to make her coffee and finds Patmore sobbing. Ugh, now I am almost crying. Patmore and Daisy are the truest love in the world!

In a hall, Thomas has clearly decided to use his Powers of Sneakiness for good, to rescue the poor New Cast Member from Violet’s Drunk and Gambling Lady’s Maid.

At a registry office, which is not a church, Mary is dressed up again like Alex from Clockwork Orange. Because her dirty pics thing didn’t ruin her daughter’s marriage, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife decides to announce that she and Shrimpy are getting divorced. The move backfires because true love cannot be stopped, even by the World’s Second Worst Mom (Mary is clearly the worst).

On the stairs up to the registry office, Shrimpy and Rose share a moment of happiness away from their tormentor.

Downstairs, Thomas sets a trap for Violet’s Lady’s Maid.

At the wedding party, Tony is holding hands with the Girl He Jilted. They come over to Mary and make her delightfully uncomfortable, enough so that she makes an awkward comment about going to their wedding. Edith and Donk have an almost meaningful conversation, until he sees Mary and remembers he doesn’t like Edith and walks off. Tony and Mary debrief about their sex vacation and Carson, who still likes Mary apparently for some unknowable reason, looks on. Rose confronts her mother and tells her she doesn’t know what love is and then moves on to the next guest. A racist gets shut down by Cora.

In a hall, Mary complains to Carson about how things change. Luckily, Carson also hates change.

In a basement, Thomas prepares to finally use his trickiness for good. Seriously, is this ever actually going to happen? There’s been a lot of build up on this one. Thomas, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady Maid go into a literally underground club called The Velvet Violin.

In her room, Anna sensually dresses Mary. Sadly, they are interrupted by Anna’s arrest.

At the Velvet Violin, Thomas wins a bunch of money to pay off the New Cast Member’s debt. Not exactly dramatic but nice, I guess. He then sells out the Lady’s Maid to a Sinister Boss with a Mustache. Thomas and the New Cast Member leave and, in the corridor heading out of the basement, Thomas refers to himself as “your uncle Thomas.” I can’t decide if that’s creepy or amazing.

Inside the Velvet Violin, the Lady’s Maid is forced to pay for her drinks. What a dramatic conclusion.

Back at the house, Anna is getting cuffed and Mary is pissed. Bates is really angry and so are the Crawleys because seriously, how many Bates are they going to have to get off of spurious murder charges??

In case you forgot, it’s time for the war memorial unveiling! The show must go one, apparently, even though Anna the Unblemished is in jail (question: is this God punishing her for aiding and abetting the sex vacation?). The memorial is unveiled and everyone is like war is bad but also good, kinda? As I predicted what seems like five hours ago, Donk has prepared a tiny little memorial for Patmore’s nephew so when the music swells, he can once again be a hero! Super dense Donk finally takes a long look at Edith and realizes that Marigold is her child.

On a path in the village, Daisy decides not to go to London after all. Bates implies to Mary that he’s going to take the fall or something for the Rapist’s murder, even though that’s not going to happen since the cops know it was a lady. Unless he’s implying that Mary killed him? She is stone cold so that’s totally possible. Isobel and Violet both seem to decide to fight for true love! Edith and Tom say nice things to each other and Carson and Hughes say nice things to each other. Donk admits that he doesn’t think he’ll hate Marigold now that he knows she’s his progeny. And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Shrimpy: What a great dad who picked a truly awful wife. Also, he’s called Shrimpy.

4. Baxter:  Besides being an angel from Heaven, Baxter is a great Molesley-seductress.

3. Molesly: So into the arts now! Opening up worlds for people! Not being annoying about it! How wonderful.

2. Tom: Soon Tom will go to America and it will be a tragedy because he’s the only thing keeping Mary from literally murdering Edith.

1. Patmore: Patmore is the best character on this show and, this week, her cake was lovely, she got to cry for Daisy and her nephew got a memorial! What a mitzvah, right?

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

Some actors are so ingrained in our popular culture that it is difficult to imagine things carrying on without them. Leonard Nimoy, best known for his role as Mr. Spock on Star Trek, is one of these actors. He died this morning due to complications from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 83.

Compiling all of his best moments is nearly impossible, but one must start somewhere. Since his work on Star Trek is well-documented, let’s  celebrate his long and prosperous life through some of his other work.

Nimoy’s first major role was in a movie called Kid Monk Baroni, in which he played a street punk turned boxer who needs to overcome his misshaped face through plastic surgery. Unsurprisingly, the movie tanked and Nimoy has said that it was the kind of film that “made unknowns out of celebrities.” But sometimes something bad can travel over the border into good. You be the judge:

Before Star Trek, William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy shared the screen in an episode of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., playing characters from either side of the Iron Curtain. They were meant to be!

After Star Trek, he joined Mission Impossible. This video compilation captures some of the sleuthing and all of the making out with hot girls the role required:

Columbo kept it together most of the time. Nimoy played a murderous doctor that was able to get Columbo really pissed:

Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and Bilbo Baggins. I repeat: Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and Bilbo Baggins! This clip is too good to be true, and yet, here it is!

Nimoy memorably got a bottle smashed over his head in Philip Kaufman’s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Is it wrong to root for the “bad guy”?

In 1982, he received an Emmy nomination for playing Morris Meyerson in A Woman Called Golda, opposite Ingrid Bergman as Golda Meir in her final role. He was also nominated in 1967, 1968, and 1969 for his work on Star Trek. He never won. Let’s never watch the Emmys again, okay?

Fringe is a show that explores the existence of a parallel universe, so who better to get to star as a mysterious doctor than Leonard Nimoy? Answer: No one is better!

In his later years, Nimoy preferred voice acting. In this cameo from The Big Bang Theory, he voices a Spock doll, making so many geek dreams come true.

I’m not sure how Nimoy ended up in a Bruno Mars music video, but I’m glad it happened. Nimoy flips people off, buys dirty magazines, plays with nunchuks, and roams around town in his robe and long johns. This is what perfection looks like:

This post could go on and on because Nimoy’s career was so vast. Feel free to leave any favorite Nimoy moments I missed in the comments.

The only way to sign off is with Leonard’s last tweet. I advise you to grab a tissue before reading it.

A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP

— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) February 23, 2015

Hark! What sound is that? It’s the sound of another legendary Downton Abbey Christmas Special! Do I really have to remind you of the always-in-effect spoiler alert? There, I did it! On to the Abbey!

A car pulls up in front of an official looking building and we see the magenta back of a stylish Mary, who I’ll wager is headed to prison to check on Anna in this season’s first Orange is the New Black crossover episode.

Back at the Abbey, Robert “Donk” Grantham pretends to care about Anna’s false (?) imprisonment to Bates, but then starts talking about a trip they are taking or something.

Downstairs, everyone is hurrying around, presumably related to this alleged trip (did I miss something last episode or is this just another symptom of my smart-phone-related dementia?). It appears that Baxter is now attending to both Cora and Mary. Oh man, this just now occurred to me: why does Mary have a lady’s maid and Edith doesn’t?! Is Mary physically incapable of buttoning her own buttons? I paused the show to type that and my question was answered immediately: Anna was supposedly also Edith’s lady’s maid?! Um, when did she ever, ever help Edith pick out a fancy dress? Or buy prophylactics for her? Suddenly, I’m beginning to think Anna is a dark-hearted bully who ignored Edith on purpose and may also be a murderer. Jury’s still out, people!

In jail, Mary of course looks stunning.

At a luncheon of some sort, the family sort of talks vaguely about this impending trip and then Violet reveals that the Princess, the wife of her true love, no big deal, is coming to England, like momentarily. Um, what the hell, Violet? I get trying to be cool for your new boyfriend, but you’ve got to think about number one and, in this case, number one is the magic blossoming between you and the Prince! Hong Kong is lovely! The Princess would have done great there!

In prison, it kind of seems like Mary dressed up to make Anna feel bad. What I’m saying is Anna doesn’t look great.

In a downstairs hall, Carson and Hughes debate the question of Mary’s prison visit. Carson, the perpetual Mary apologist, thinks it’s bad because people might think it’s somehow improper. Carson, how do you feel about sex vacations?

At the downstairs table, the help fight over guns.

In the special Hughes and Carson room, Ross/Carson and Rachel/Hughes drink wine and talk about real estate.

At the house, it is revealed that the destination of the family trip is Atticus’s family’s place that they did quickly discuss last episode. See? I remember! Anyway, everyone is going and the moms and dad have to say goodbye to their children, who they probably only see 20 minutes a day anyway. Edith is like the most terrible at pretending she isn’t Marigold’s mom. So terrible that even Donk can see it plainly now. How have Tom and Mary not noticed? Are they just drunk all the time?

Violet and Isobel bid the family adieu at the train station. I thought they were taking a ship somewhere. That would have been a bit more interesting. I guess they’re just going somewhere else English to shoot at things.

In the library, everyone is doing a deep cleaning, since the family is away, which gives a great bookish setting for Molesley to question Daisy about her studies and for Daisy to once again wiffle-waffle about her education. Patmore calls her out because Patmore is the one who tells it like it is on this show. We are all Patmore.

In the fanciest train, the Crawleys all sit in one room without murdering each other or even suggesting murder. Maybe because the train is moving they feel less anxious in each other’s company? Like they could jump out at any time? Oh, wait! Spoke too soon! Miserable Mary suggests locking all the children up in a box in the attic and not letting them out until they are 21. Also: she doesn’t appear to be joking. She refers to herself as “the mother around here” and Donk gives a deep side-eye scowl to Cora. Edith, your secret ain’t safe for long!

Atticus’ family’s “place” turns out to be a huge and magnificent castle! Downton now seems stupid. Remake the show please and, this time, set it at this fancy castle! Atticus’ parents speak with yet another New Butler. The problem with character proliferation on Downton is thus: every time a new upper class person shows up, you know somewhere there’s going to be a servant-y type too. Basically the cast is increasing exponentially.

Cars pull up to the castle, giving us another glimpse at this magnificent place. My main question, obviously, is how do they heat it?

Rose and Atticus, now married (if you know what I mean), greet the family at one of the doors. I imagine this place is just rife with doors. Atticus’ Mean Dad and Atticus’ Sweet Mom show up and the two families who just love each other to bits are in the same room once again. Soon, they will be shooting guns together!

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas introduces himself to the New Butler, who is extra mean which seems reasonable since a) his boss, Atticus’ Mean Dad, is also mean and b) no one in their right mind should ever be nice to Thomas. He smells weakness like sharks smell blood.

Back home, the Old Ladies Club meets in a garden to discuss the upcoming arrival of the Princess. Look, I thought this was the Christmas Special. It seems really warm for Christmas, if these ladies can have tea in a garden…

At the castle, there is a gauche tea in the library. Ugh, so not the place for tea. The New Butler is openly rude to Tom. I am sorry, but that is just not done, okay? He is a monument to the perfect and wonderful Sybbie and is the only one I trust with a car.

At Violet’s, Violet sets her two servants up to fight each other. Oh my god. Why am I even acknowledging this is happening?

In the hall downstairs at the Abbey, Ross and Rachel talk about real estate. Bates goes to visit Anna in prison to, I’m assuming, talk more about real estate?

At the castle, everyone and some dogs get into horse-drawn carriages, which take them out to an open field. I can’t think of what is better than carts full of armed people who hate each other!

In the killing field, Mary gives Atticus’ Mean Dad a lecture on family unity, while using some sort of special walking stick designed for weak females out in the field.

Behind a bush, Atticus’ Sweet Mom and Tom talk about not being accepted. I think it would be a bit more heartwarming without the loaded weapon in Tom’s hands, but that’s just me.

Behind a wall of some kind, Robert continues to evade Cora’s questions about his beginning-of-the-episode trip to York. Yeah, I should have mentioned this before, but I didn’t and now it’s come up three times so it’s obviously a thing. So sorry. Sue me.

Everyone keeps shooting and the shots ring out dramatically as the scene cuts to the Bateses in prison. Drab Anna-In-Prison reveals to Bates that her stepfather abused her when she was a kid and she cut him with a knife. That doesn’t seem like permissible evidence in this case. Does she have a lawyer?

Back at the castle, Non-Sneaky-Edith cannot stop talking about the children. The New Butler continues to be a total jerk to Tom.

On a real estate field trip, Ross and Rachel have some delightful patter.

At Violet’s, some crazy wife-swapping is about to happen. The Prince is there, as well as Isobel and her man. Upstairs, the Princess readies herself for battle.

At the castle, Baxter dresses Mary (who is dressing Edith? WHO?!) and Mary tries to get Baxter to get Thomas to do something to make the New Butler look bad.

Downstairs, Baxter relays Malevolent Mary’s message to Thomas, who isn’t that reformed after all and can’t wait to destroy the New Butler.

At Violet’s, the Princess enters the room. She is clearly a horrible woman who kind of rightfully hates Violet because, you know, her husband is in love with her.

Back the castle, Thomas sets his trap for the New Butler.

At dinner, a harpist plays and Atticus is such a sweetheart as usual.

Back at Downton, Patmore has set a romantic dinner for her favorites. It seems a lot nicer than the dinner in the castle.

Speaking of which, the New Butler is still being overtly un-nice to Branson. Too bad for him because Thomas’ plan is working! His plan? Get the New Butler to serve a boring dinner! Atticus’ Mean Dad blows up at the New Butler and the Crawleys feel right at home (because every one of their meals involves yelling).

At Violet’s, the wife swap is in full swing. The Princess is basically Debbie Downer, serving sad, deadpan one-liners to anyone who will listen. Even Sprat thinks she’s rude. Violet seems to have decided her love with the Prince shall never be. Why, Violet? You could have had it all! Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé leaves with the Prince and the whole wife swap is abruptly turned into the usual: a meeting of the Old Ladies Society to talk about boyz.

At the castle, Cora finally gets Donk to tell her what’s wrong, which turns out to be “pains in…[his] tummy.” (Yes, that was unfair quoting, but did you not giggle slightly?) Donk apparently has angina maybe, but don’t worry: he can still hunt! Since he’s on the verge of death, he decides to tell Edith that he knows her deep, dark, poorly kept secret.

At Violet’s, the whole deal between Sprat and Violet’s Lady’s Maid is still, sadly, part of the plot. Can Violet’s Lady’s Maid make soup? Will we ever know?!

At the castle, Donk knocks on Edith’s door and Edith has her hair down and looks amazzzing. Edith for Cinderella!! Anyway, he’s there to tell Edith that he’s totes down and cool with Marigold being his granddaughter. They have a real nice father-daughter forgiveness moment. I feel so bad for Edith because tomorrow Donk will most likely come up to her and be like: “You know that whole thing last night? So sorry! I thought you were Mary because I was kinda sleepy and ate a big dinner and was maybe drunk…”

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas is now pissed because yes, his light prank worked, but he was insulted by Atticus’ Mean Dad in the crossfire. Heads will roll!! Never cross Thomas. Now he’s going rogue. This is about to be a bender on evil. Just remember: relapse is part of recovery.

In the New Butler’s office, Thomas tries to ingratiate himself with the New Butler, who is now doing a handwriting comparison with all the staff to find out who wronged him. Oh, dang. Did Baxter write the offending note? Will Angel Baxter fall once more? Thomas gets the New Butler to sell out Atticus’ Mean Dad. Never be mean to Thomas, but, more importantly, never be nice to Thomas.

On a walk out on the grounds, the youngs discuss plans to move to America.

Back at Downton, Violet’s Lady’s Maid engages Patmore and Daisy to make her soup for Violet. Snooze.

Just when you thought you couldn’t get any sleepier…the Bateses are in jail, talking about things again. Seriously, did the writing staff just decide they wanted to go on a little vaycay and could completely recycle this entire plot line and just switch which Bates is in jail and no one would even notice? I’m a little offended, writers! Do you know how closely I watch this show?

In Isobel’s sitting room, she and her Fancy Fiancé (I hope!) are in the midst of real serious relationship talk. Isobel is like, I will not be an evil stepmother! So the Fancy Fiancé decides to put a hit out on his children.

In the Downton kitchen, the Lady’s Maid has ruined her soup. Seriously, how hard is it to make soup? That is like one thing I am totally capable of making and I can barely cook toast.

Back at the Orange is the New Black crossover, the prison is boring as heck. Where is Red? Where is Crazy Eyes? I was led to believe a women’s prison would be a fun good time!

At the castle, the New Butler is regretting his drunk over-sharing with Thomas. Too bad, dude. Your fate is sealed. Try again next time! Morally Bankrupt Mary is pre-angry at an uninvited guest, who is taking Atticus’s spot hunting tomorrow. I bet he’s her true love. She’s also present-moment angry at Donk and Edith, who are BFFs now that Donk is dying and Edith is out to him as a mom.

In the special Ross and Rachel side room at Downton, Ross is ready to toast their new future as bed and breakfast owners, but Rachel has to let Ross down because—plot twist!—Rachel has no money because she’s been sending all her money to the caretaker of her “not quite right in the head” sister. Oh, Rachel! You are an even bigger angel than Baxter. Their intimate discussion about siblings, investments and real estate is interrupted by a very worried Bates, who has received a telegram from the lawyer that apparently said: “Bad news! Call me.” That seems like a rude telegram to send! Just say: “Call me.” You’re the lawyer. He’s going to call you stat.

Back at the castle’s shooting grounds, love is in the air. Edith is paired up with the Agent who, if you’ll remember, “everyone feels a bit sorry for.” Classic Edith. Mary is somehow paired up with the Hanger On she’s been dogging the whole episode. The Hanger On is a Benedict Cumberbatch look-alike who is terrible at shooting and who Mary has decided to torture, her favorite form of flirting, over guns.

In another corner of the field, Edith follows her sister’s lead and does some of her own flirting over guns.

At Violet’s, Daisy is terrible at subterfuge.

In Violet’s garden, Isobel has a letter from Larry the Petulant Drugger who really, really doesn’t want a new mommy. This is always what happens when you don’t teach children boundaries!

At the castle, it’s raining and the Lawyer is apparently telephoning Donk about Criminal Anna things (they’ve set a date for her trial), even though he can only telegram Bates. Donk’s tummy problem is acting up so tragically Cora won’t allow him to play with guns anymore this afternoon, which solves everyone’s problems since now Atticus can shoot. Really, these guys are just terrible at taking turns.

At a lunch outside at the castle, Mary is in full-swing in her torture-flirting and Benedict Cumberbatch is eating it up.

In the kitchen at Violet’s, Sprat calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid out on the fact that Daisy actually made the soup in this terrible subplot. Problem: Violet’s Lady’s Maid is using a very large knife. Sadly, she does not turn the knife on Sprat and instead watches him pour the soup down the drain. Open a can, dude! It’s not that hard!

Somewhere, a child steps out of a car.

Back at the castle, it turns out that’s where the kid was getting out of the car! And who is this kid? Well, it seems like it might be the illegitimate child of Atticus’ Mean Dad. Rose thinks on her feet to save her new father-in-law and pretends the mom of the kid who got out of the car is her BFF. Somehow, this works. Turns out Thomas decided to go nuclear on everyone and telegrammed Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress and told her to bring his other son. Classic Thomas. Luckily, Mary loves subterfuge and also improv so she gets in on the game of pretending to know Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress.

Back at Downton, Bates is all dressed in black and seems to be giving his notice in letter form to Molesley to give to Carson. We all know what a goof Molesley is! Hilarity will ensue!

At the castle, Rose bids goodbye to the Mistress and Edith chats up her new love interest, the Agent. Rose blackmails Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Butler, while Mary looks on proudly.

In the hall before dinner, Atticus’ Mean Dad stops Mary, Rose and Donk to thank them for not selling him out to his family and then totally changes his position on Rose being his daughter-in-law. Take note, ladies: If your father-in-law hates you, help him avoid an embarrassing situation with his mistress! #WifeTips

Downstairs at Downton, Carson has opened the letter from Bates and apparently it isn’t a notice but a confession to the murder of the Rapist. But, duh, they know it was a girl, Bates! Anyway, Sherlock Molesley is on the case! Find Bates and prove his innocence!

Back at the castle, there’s a gramophone in the library and everyone is dancing. Mary is, of course, dancing with Benedict Cumberbatch and trying to remain as uninterested as a person can while dancing with another person. He quizzes her about the earlier appearance of the Mistress and she’s impressed that he noticed what was going on, even though you would have to be deaf and blind not to see what was happening. Speaking of obvious situations everyone is trying to pretend away, Tom finally tells Edith he also knows Marigold isn’t some random foundling. Now it’s just Mary who doesn’t know and mainly she just doesn’t care. Edith dances off with the Agent.

At the Bateses cottage, Molesley is on the hunt for exculpatory evidence.

At the castle, Benedict Cumberbatch and Mary share some last-minute flirting until he tells her his real passion is for cars. Oh my god! Stay away from sun-dappled lanes!! Mary, however, seems to have forgotten her long, dark history with automotives and is left weak in the knees as her new love interest speeds off. “Matthew who?” you can almost hear the wind whisper.

The cars pull up to Downton and the children come out for their customary parade and Carson tells Donk that Bates is gone.

Downstairs, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

In the library, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

Downstairs, it turns out that Sherlock Molesley has a Watson of his very own; Baxter offers to help him vindicate Bates.

In Donk and Cora’s bedroom, the Lord and Lady conspire to keep Bates-related evidence out of the hands of the authorities.

The lawyer and Anna arrive at Downton, but, while free, she is sad because Bates One is on the run in Ireland and all freedom really is for her is dressing bratty adult women, constant anxiety that Bates will get caught and probably a sprinkling of PTSD to round it out. Prison was probably better, is what she’s thinking now. Crazy Eyes was so fun at that Christmas Pageant! She could have gotten really serious about her yoga practice!

At Violet’s, the moment we’ve all been waiting on the edge of our seats for has arrived! Violet must taste the soup made for her by her Lady’s Maid, while Sprat looks on gleefully. What will she do? How bad is it?? But Violet is nothing but classy and spiteful towards Sprat so she pronounces the broth “delicious” and goes to bed, where we all hope this story line is finally going too.

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he isn’t about to go meet Isis in Heaven but instead has an ulcer. Womp. Good news though: the Art Guy’s favorite painting sold for like a lot of money.

Downstairs, the windfall means that Carson is hiring a new footman. Oh, just what we need, a new cast member to remember. Thomas and Daisy who have similar taste in men make a bid for the New Cast Member from Rose’s Wedding. He’s pretty cute so I say, yes, go with him!

Suddenly, it is Christmas 1924 and I feel a Tom and Baby Sybbie sized lump in my throat. Never leave us, you two! The New Cast Member has been hired and his name is Andy, which I think I can handle. The babies and their parents trim a massive tree and Baby Sybbie has the presence of mind to use her adorable British accent to say words.

In a snowy town, Sherlock and Watson look for someone who remembers seeing Bates.

In their special room, Hughes wraps a gift for Carson. Carson tells Hughes that he bought their dream house himself. When is he going to invite Hughes to live with him there, happily ever after?

In the library, Sherlock and Watson present their new Bates-saving evidence to the Crawleys.

In their bedroom, Cora and Donk discuss the particulars of contacting the soon-to-be-cleared (again) Bates. Also: ulcers. Such pillow talk between these two!

In the kitchen, Christmas is looking fancy. I can’t be sure, but I think they may be having a bacon wrapped goose? Okay, I will eat that. Everyone encourages Daisy to study because no one knows what they want around here!

At Isobel’s, she’s finally showing the nasty letter from Larry the Drugger to his dad, her Fancy Fiancé. She breaks up with him because he’s got a stupid son, even though the Fancy Fiancé is the best and so nice and so rich. Violet comes in on them during the breakup and the ladies both mention, almost as an afterthought, how “sad” the whole thing is. Sad?! Heart breaking! You should be crying, Isobel! You just let the terrorists win!

Lonely Anna sits alone in her cottage.

Upstairs, Edith and Tom talk over the children’s stockings. Mary comes in so Tom decides they should have a Christmas séance for Sybil. Donk walks by and makes a play to keep Baby Sybbie for himself. Oh, Donk. Not happening.

Downstairs, the whole village sings Christmas carols around the tree. Rose teaches Atticus the words because he’s a Jew so he’s never heard a Christmas carol before. Donk, it appears, is drunk, since he’s been abstaining from alcohol for awhile due to his non-lethal ulcer. Violet’s Lady’s Maid also drinks liberally from the punch bowl. Rose and Atticus talk about how awesome and exciting it is to be married. Next thing you know, Rose is going to be starting a blog about her super cool life as a wife, which will turn into a fashion blog and then a mommy blog. Watch out, world! As usual, Thomas and Daisy both flirt with the same guy.

In the drawing room, the Old Ladies Society have a special Christmas meeting to tell the best boyz story of all, the love story of Violet and her Prince. Drunk Donk breaks up the meeting though, as jovially as possible.

Back at the party, Drunk Donk is about to give a speech! Scandal! Fortunately, as his final good act in Britain, Tom saves him by starting a round of “He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” Then Mary sings “Silent Night” while Edith plays. When did they ever spend enough time in the same room to practice? Also, why do none of these versions of these songs rhyme? Is that a British thing, to not rhyme your song lyrics?

Carson brings Hughes down to their special room and tells her he put their dream house in both of their names. She’s like, “Look, I can’t let you do this amazing thing for me! I don’t want to tie you down!” And he’s like, “Oh, Hughes! I want to be, metaphorically and maybe literally, I don’t know, tied down by you! Will you marry me??” Finally! I don’t know what comes next, but that was the best moment of the season and this slow-burn romance better get a spinoff where they own a bed and breakfast together! With Patmore as the cook! Can you even imagine?!

At the party, Drunk Donk tells Tom that he actually likes him now and then proceeds to give a speech to the entire village about how great Tom is. As the whole town joins together to sing “O Come All Ye Faithful,” Bates appears at a door and then sneaks up behind Anna and whispers into her ear. While a normal person would probably scream at that, Anna seems pretty stoked and Bates forgets he’s lame, literally, for a minute and picks Anna up into the air.

And credits.

 Episode Character Ranking:

5. Violet: She gets ranked this week for her great love story and the sly bit about how she totally continued to cheat on her husband.

4. Baby Sybbie: She coined the terms “Donk” and now she’s passing it on to her cousin Marigold. Kudos, girlfriend! You’re a pretty cool baby.

3. Tom: Without Tom, Edith and Mary will murder each other. It’s going to make for a bloody but interesting season. Still, I will miss Tom and his cute face.

2. Carson: Finally, he got the guts to propose to his Rachel and it was magnificent. I love you, old guy!

 1. Hughes: When Carson asks her to marry him, she doesn’t mess around. She says: “I thought you’d never ask.” That is how a proposal should go. That is how a season should end.

Season Character Ranking (Scientifically-ish based on total season scores!)

5. Patmore: While this season wasn’t especially meaty (get it? she’s a cook!) for Patmore, she’s always a solid character and one of my favorites. Glad to see she made it in.

Tied for 4: Mary and Hughes: I’m offended at myself for allowing the worst and the best elements of Downton to tie for such a paltry spot. Mary started strong but became unbearable, whereas Hughes was, as usual, the backbone of the whole gosh darn house!

3: Violet: Violet came through this season by having an affair with a prince. We have to respect that, whether or not we agree with her decision to not move to Paris with him and live out the rest of their days in bliss.

2. Edith: Edith deserves every happiness she has by the end of this season, especially now that we know that Mary is probably going to murder her at the end of next season.

1. Tom Branson: Oh, Tom! I can’t stand to see you and Baby Sybbie leave, but thank god they didn’t drive you down a sun-dappled lane. Maybe you guys can come back for a guest spot in next year’s Christmas Special?? If you promise to come, I promise to recap again. One more time for old time’s sake. I love you, Tom! RIP Sybil!

Thank you guys for following along with me this season! It’s been fun and sad and hard. We lost dogs to cancer and potential husbands to Hitler. But we’re still here! Next year, I predict Edith will marry the Agent, Mary will marry Benedict Cumberbatch, Donk will get another tummy ache, and Hughes and Carson will finally kiss! See you then!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

The grandeur, the nuance, the amazing way nothing happens until the final scenes of an episode… In its glory days, I could spend hours describing the delight that is Downton Abbey. Yet anyone who’s watched the show since the beginning can see that it’s a shadow of what it once was. If it wasn’t for the pragmatic wit of the Dowager Countess, the intermittent brashness of Tom and the simmering affection between Carson and Mrs. Hughes, I don’t know if I could have made until the end.

So I’ve been contemplating the big question that plagues many great shows that receive high praise at its onset: what went wrong? Was it the death of beloved characters like Sybil and Matthew? A tone shift as the characters clumsily dealt with the drastic differences between pre-war frivolity and post-war austerity? Or had it reached its peak in the third season and we’re watching its slow decline into mediocrity?

Or perhaps it’s the problem Downton has been grappling with since the start: over-privileged men, specifically Lord Grantham (a.k.a. Robert Crawley a.k.a. the blustering, bumbling head of the family). At the start, his oblivious follies created dramatic plot points and added tension to the show. Now, despite (and sometimes because of) his intentions to protect the family name, Lord Grantham seems to cause and/or aggravate many of the Abbey’s catastrophes during these, as Lady Mary likes to point out, “changing times.” He epitomizes the dangers of unchecked male privilege.

Let’s take a quick look at Lord Grantham’s low points from the past five seasons:

– With his terrible money management and lack of good decision-making skills, Lord Grantham basically ran Downton into the ground. He lost his and Cora’s money based on a bad investment decision he made without consulting her.

– Feeling ignored by Cora (who was busy running their house-turned-makeshift hospital) and useless during the war, Lord Grantham almost starts an affair with a maid.

– He tries to pay off his son-in-law, Tom Branson, because he is of a lower class. He later owes much of his renewed success to said son-in-law.

– When his youngest daughter Sybil was in labor, Robert ignores the doctor’s warning that she was showing signs of preeclampsia and needs to give birth in a hospital. In spite of everyone else’s concern, Robert insists that she remain at home, where she later dies after giving birth.

– Out of some combo of paternalism and jealousy, he attempts to prolong Mary’s mourning to keep her from playing a role in running the estate via her husband’s will.

In all of these scenarios, Lord Grantham unwittingly finds himself at the center of some disaster. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions, the mess is promptly cleaned up by the women in his life (chiefly his put-upon wife and nonplussed mother) and servants. What’s worse, he not only is blind to his part in the problem, he tends to see himself as the victim.

Of course, the above only scratches the surface of much deeper and complicated issues. Whether he’s bemoaning the fate of the estate he couldn’t properly manage or fuming over a lack of respect when someone dares to express an opinion contrary to his conservative views, Grantham makes sure his wounds are visible.

This isn’t just some deep character flaw, it’s indicative of a larger theme within the series. When the men, particularly Lord Grantham, go unchecked, bad stuff happens.

Born into wealth, Lord Grantham benefits from the dual privilege of manhood and money. Spending most of his life in a world that bends to his will, he has no need to care about how his actions can negatively affect those around him.

One can blame the era of Downton, a time when men talked, women listened and servants tried to stay out of the way, for Grantham’s behavior. Although the world of Downton is quite insular, show creator Julian Fellowes ensures that hot-button issues from outside of the Abbey’s walls seep in. Women were seizing opportunities for independence, proving their capabilities extended beyond polite conversation. Simultaneously, the working class that made estates like Downton possible realized they could have careers outside of the kitchen and began organizing to have their voices heard in the upper echelons of government. We see these glimmers of progressive thinking in the likes of Edith, who now owns a publishing company, Dr. Richard Clarkson, who learns to value the input of feisty Isobel when treating wounded soldiers, and former chauffeur Tom with his socialist leanings.

They stand as needed contrasts to Lord Grantham’s antiquated ways, yet Donk’s actions aren’t that different from how many men act today. Just think of manspreading on public transit, insistent and unnecessary mansplaining, and the mere fact that male is the default for human. These are only a few of the subtle reminders that the privilege of being a man is not having to make an effort to see the world from someone else’s perspective. The job titles may be different, the dress less formal, but men in power acting a fool remains the same.

There’s no denying that Lord Grantham is a fundamentally decent man who wants what he thinks is best for family and vast estate. But in these changing times, what he thinks isn’t the only thing that matters. Lord Grantham is learning that the hard way.

When I met my wife, Kate, we both lived in Baltimore. She was born and raised there, and I’d moved down the coast from Vermont a few months before. I was running toward a job and away from a breakup. We met, we drank whiskey, she spilled some into her shoe, a couple months later she moved in, and about three years after that we got married in the desert of New Mexico.

In the meantime, television hadn’t really played a role in our courtship. When I moved to Baltimore, I got cable for the first time in years, but she mainly watched documentaries on Netflix. I tried to introduce her to the Wire, it being Baltimore and all, but she was bored with the crime and the inaccuracies about her home town. “What’s a lake trout?” she asked me. “Why is everyone drinking Bud Light?”

Then we realized we could gravitate around a shared love for Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Data was her first love. I remembered being 8 and so excited about TNG that I would literally run circles around the couch, and my mom would warn me that, if I couldn’t sit down, I wouldn’t be able to watch it at all. So I sat down in a chair with a pillow across my lap, tapping invisible buttons, just like Data at the helm.

While I finished the Wire alone and tried to explain that Deadwood was more than swearing and cowboy hats, my wife was watching Say Yes to the Dress (the Atlanta one, which she said was the funny one, not the New York one, which she said was the boring one), but it couldn’t hold my attention. I’m definitely not too stuffy for that kind of show, but there’s a film of unreality to a lot of reality programming, to the point where I have a hard time investing.

But then? She introduced me to Stacy and Clinton.

I’d heard of What Not to Wear before, but the title had always turned me off. I thought it would be mean, that it would make fun of the people who appeared on it, that they would be taking folks who dressed quirkily or out of step with fashion, and cram them into one-look-fits-all outfits.

But that is not the point of view of What Not to Wear. I’ve written about my admiration for Stacy & Clinton & Ted & Carmindy before, but to put it succinctly, it’s a show where fashion/life gurus help people find their truest selves. They encourage their contributors (they call them contributors!) to look at why they wear clothes that don’t fit, why they try to avoid being seen, and why they duck away from opportunities for happiness.

But it wasn’t really that I’d found What Not to Wear. It’s that my wife had found something about me — that I was attracted to positivity, that I valued kindness over snark. I didn’t know much about fashion or style, or at least I didn’t philosophize about it, before watching What Not to Wear, but watching and talking about Stacy & Clinton led us to what is probably the television love of our lives.

Kate didn’t introduce me to Mad Men, but watching it with her and talking about it with her led me to appreciate it as more than a sophisticated soap. I think I can be a little clothes-blind when I watch television, and I’m prone to miss out on subtleties or symbols in fashion design. Even when she said something simple like, “If two characters are aligned philosophically, they’ll show them in similar colors or patterns. They’re part of the same color scheme because they’re aligned.”

In Mad Men’s season six premiere, Don and Pete were on the same page — looking outward — while Roger stood apart by looking inward. This sort of thing is worthy of its own article, but writing about it here feels like I’m trying to complete a high school Spanish assignment, or like I’m writing with my left hand. I get it, and I can do it, but it doesn’t come entirely naturally. Watching Mad Men with Kate, and talking about it after, is like having an external hard drive where I store my thoughts and revelations about the show; I agree with almost everything she discovers about the show, and I’m not a dumb guy, but boy I’d never figure that stuff out on my own.

Mad Men is our true love, but there’s another place where we feel the most comfortable. Where we go to be together in silence, often over dinner, after hard days or long days or (sometimes) just for fun.

Math? Her.

Science? Her.

Rock music? Me.

Opera? Her.

Poetry? Her.

Vice-Presidents? Me.

Novels? Both.

Alex Trebek’s dad-style bad jokes? EVERYONE, don’t front.

We still try out new shows (Jane the Virgin is on deck), and it’s a kind of game in and of itself figuring out which shows we’ll enjoy together and which we’ll enjoy separately. I’m watching Twin Peaks — I’ve seen the first season twice, but never the second — and Kate watches some episodes over my shoulder for the outfits and gender dynamics, but even when she’s not there, I look at the show differently knowing how she might react to it.

That’s a common but complicated thing — trying to understand someone else’s inner life. It’s what we’ll do our entire lives with the people we love most and the people we see every day. I think my wife’s spirit animal is Dana Scully, and I can’t watch The X-Files without wondering if this is an episode Kate would love, or be indifferent to, and why or why not either way.

More than the television we watch — together or alone — that unending desire to know someone, to see them or hear them even when they’re not around — that’s the journey of the heart, right? In marriage or in friendship or in whatever other form intimacy takes.

Remember when news broke that Jon Stewart was leaving The Daily Show? Remember how we all decided to pretend that isn’t really happening just so we can get out of bed in the morning? Well, that lie just got harder to believe.

Samantha Bee, one of the show’s best correspondents, is jumping ship this summer. Don’t cry just yet though; she’s moving over to TBS for her own show, which will be “a platform for Bee to apply her smart and satirical point of view to current and relevant issues.” We can get with that, right? This new show joins the previously announced comedy series she’s creating and executive producing alongside fellow Daily Show correspondent and husband Jason Jones (why didn’t anyone tell me they were married?!).

Not familiar with Bee’s work? Click on the gif below for a brilliant bit of performance art:

In second grade, I was once mistaken for a kindergartener because I was ”just so short and delicate.” As a girl who cut the lace off her socks, who ran just as fast as the boys, and who spent most of her free time climbing trees, that comment really bothered me. A few years later, I was equally furious when my male swim coach told my friends that I was too weak to roll up the heavy pool cover by myself and that they should always help me. (For the record, I cranked that pool cover in every morning by myself after that for almost 10 years.)

As a result of moments like these, I knew early on that I wanted to be three things when I grew older: a teacher, a writer, and a feminist. Of course, I didn’t actually know the term ”feminist” when I was little, but I knew what it meant — a strong, confident, and capable woman who doesn’t let anyone stop her when she has a goal.

While I’ve been fortunate enough to have a lot of female role models in my life, some of the best were ones I saw on TV. From Russian Planeteers to Army Nurses to bad-ass detectives, here are just a few women that helped turn me into the feminist I am today:

Linka of Captain Planet and the Planeteers

Linka was my first feminist role model. Not only did she have an awesome accent, having grown up in the former Soviet Union, Linka had the power to corral the wind, thanks to her planeteer ring. I spent a lot of happy hours as a kid pretending to be Linka when my friends and I would play Planeteers. But the best part of being Linka was the fact that she often told off the brash, fire-wielding Brooklyn-born Planeteer, Wheeler, in hilarious ways.

Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan from M*A*S*H

A lot happened to this head army nurse over the span of the Korean War. As a dedicated fan of the show, it was inspiring to see Margaret grow in confidence after dumping “ferret face” Major Frank Burns, divorcing her wavering Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscot, and becoming her own woman who doesn’t have to rely on favors from “old family friends” to help her career advance. She was a no-nonsense, hard worker, but, underneath the tough exterior, I could see that we were very similar — women who just wanted to be respected and loved for who we are.

Lois Lane of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

Sure, Lois Lane gets to marry the hottest man in the world, Superman, but as an investigative reporter, Lois Lane literally wore the pants-suits in all her relationships. She was the one willing to break into warehouses late at night, constantly defying her partner Clark’s orders to stay back, and always checking to make sure her story was printed with her byline, front and center. And while she sometimes needed rescuing from Superman, she wasn’t afraid to show off her own self-defense moves. With a sharp tongue and fiery temper to match, Lois Lane was this girl’s model of how to be fearless in any situation.

C.J. Cregg of The West Wing

C.J. Cregg shows girls what it’s like to succeed. She was a National Merit Scholar, attended Williams College, and then — as she frequently liked to announce — went on to earn a master’s degree in political science from UC Berkeley. As the White House Press Secretary and later, as the first female Chief of Staff, C.J. Cregg was always one of the smartest people in every room. While she excels in her job, C.J. shows that it’s okay at the end of the day to still be herself. She’s a lip-syncing, sardonic woman with a steely spine who learned to never let her personal feelings get in the way of getting down to business in the Press Room.

Dorothy Zbornak of The Golden Girls

While Dorothy is often the butt of her mother Sophia Petrillo’s jokes for being a divorced, unattractive substitute teacher, it’s clear that she’s actually the glue holding the Golden Girls together. With her sharp wit, over-the-top ’80s style, and insights into her roommates’ hearts and minds, Dorothy is exactly the sort of compassionate but no-holds-barred, utterly comfortable in her own skin, daring woman I wish more of us had the courage to be.

Veronica Mars of Veronica Mars

My college roommates first introduced me to Veronica Mars, the brilliant, stun gun-wielding noir-esque detective, who proves, through the show’s dark story arcs, that high school is truly hellish. While she has more than a fair share of relationship troubles, Veronica is fearless in her ability to dish up clever one-liners to both heroes and villains alike – the ultimate bad-ass, in my book.

Violet Crawley of Downton Abbey

There’s little that hasn’t been said before about how witty, crafty, and outspoken the Dowager Countess is on this period drama. And while Violet Crawley may be more reluctant to change and adapt to the times, it’s clear that this shrewd woman knows how to look for her advantage in any situation. If Violet Crawley had been born in another era — one filled with actual weekends and jobs for most women — there’s no telling what this mighty figure could have accomplished. If I grow up to be half the woman Violet Crawley is, I’ll be very happy indeed.

Leslie Knope of Parks and Recreation

I think most people would be hard-pressed to find something not to love about this future first female President of the United States. With her can-do attitude and indefatigable work ethic, Leslie Knope represents what a woman can accomplish if she’s passionate about her career. But, more importantly, Leslie’s not portrayed as a brash political workaholic; instead, she’s a hilarious, loving, and dedicated friend who simply wants to make the world a better place by helping people, one at a time. And, even more importantly, because Leslie fully admits her flaws, it’s no wonder that she became a strong female role model for the women of Pawnee…and a hero to all the people watching.

Certain things make me believe we’re already living in more of a dystopia than any fiction could ever dream up for us. The Bachelor is one of those things. Oh, how I thought I was done writing about this pop culture side note. Yet, it appears that it’s not done with me. I thought I’d escaped its shiny clutches when I stopped watching Andi’s season halfway through, and didn’t even watch the finale of Chris’s season. I was so proud of myself! Yet, news travels fast, and I’m spellbound again by this latest twist: Britt and Kaitlyn have both received the dubious honor of being the next bachelorette (not entirely unprecedented, as there were two simultaneous bachelors circa 2006).

I’m always surprised when people critique The Bachelor. It’s too easy, isn’t it? What we ought to marvel at is how any of it exists at all; it’s so irrelevant, uncool, unsuccessful in its mission, predictable, repetitive, sexist, and so forth. Yet, year after year, it airs. The Bachelor is immortal. Nothing will kill it. People watch it ironically, perhaps, but they watch it nonetheless. They have watching parties. They tweet about it and write of it in serious news outlets.

Why? I have theories. In part, surely there is some cognitive dissonance among us as we marvel at how this show happened at all, let alone continues to happen for 29 seasons. But I also think it gives us a chance to broadly and wildly psychoanalyze (ourselves, others, our entire culture). To admit or hide, compare or contrast our own romantic proclivities, personalities, and desires. We’re not like those girls. We’re not that guy. We don’t want to quit our jobs, live on a farm, and have babies. Unless we secretly do. Or unless we totally don’t and somehow feel a lot more clever and wise than those who want the opposite of what we want. It’s during our viewings of The Bachelor that our contradictions battle within us. It’s far more gory than a guilty pleasure. It’s satire, nightmare, and fairy tale.

The internet is riled up about this latest news of dueling bachelorettes. It’s misogyny! As if the show isn’t already horrifically rife with that. When I first saw the red and gold promotional image, the two pretty girls going head to head, I thought of gladiator battles, of 1984, and of The Hunger Games. I thought about it as real, for a moment, not as a reality show. What if these women fought to the actual death?

In Diane Ackerman’s A Natural History of the Senses, she writes about an ancient ritual where a young couple was crushed under a ceremoniously constructed house and then eaten in order to celebrate the cycles of life. What if the new Bachelorette season played out like that, a true life and death ritual acknowledging (celebrating?) the state of our current times? Only one of these women, after all, is worthy of being that most coveted of things: a wife!

These shows are most compelling when the rules break down. When one of the men dies in real life because he existed there most of all. When one of the front runners disqualifies himself because the whole thing is too weird. Even Britt, despite her extraneous make-up, had moments of being real real, not reality show real. Even much-loathed Juan Pablo, who refused to fall in love, was nearly interesting. Those break-downs, the admissions of humanity or truth (often accidental, often just a glimmer), are where the fascination lies. That those moments cannot be squelched entirely in the death grip of this franchise is somehow thrilling. I watch in the hopes that one day the world won’t need this show, and nor will I, that it will chip away bit by bit, making space for something else.

The bottom line is, Who cares? And the answer is that most people don’t. But all this ridiculousness has me hypnotized. In a world saturated with tasteless media, celebrity distractions, and a zillion television shows, The Bachelor and Bachelorette still stand apart. Both old fashioned and gratuitous simultaneously, they strike a note that no other reality show does (even its own spin-off, Bachelor in Paradise, can’t quite find the same anachronistic surreal tone). On The Bachelor, the Playboy pin-up really wants to be a wife too (or instead?)! Both retro and trashy, the show champions a 1950s sense of domestic life, where women quit their jobs to have babies, and yet, after the bride is chosen, the outcome is usually far more contemporary.  For example, Chris and Whitney are currently in LA for his Dancing with the Stars stint. They aren’t on the farm quite yet.

Being infuriated and confounded by all of this is what the show does to us because we ask it to. We engage. The diabolical cleverness is that our outrage is why we love it. Energy is energy and we devote ours to these courtships, over and over again. The Bachelor is simply a mirror held to each of our downfalls. The logic of the show is our own worst logic as well.

In the end, one person is chosen, and it’s their destiny to exist in this place, a world disconcertingly similar to ours in many ways. The social structures often seem ridiculous, and yet we can’t shake their familiarity. There is often an upsetting conclusion to these dystopian stories. Partly because we can’t help but believe them to reflect some larger truth of our lives. Partly because they often also reveal the death of some essential part of our own humanity.

Till next time, when we will all gather round the collapsing house to watch as two girls fight to the death.

Have you been overwhelmed by the time it takes to track down all the gif-able moments from each week’s Broad City to use in your texts? Are you scared of that span of time after this coming Wednesday when there are no more Broad City episodes for a while? Well, Comedy Central has the solution to both of those problems. Behold: the Broad City Keyboard! It’s all here: from Abbi’s alter ego, Val, to Ilana’s white power suit. Let us count the ways in which you’ll be able to make use of this novel invention:

When your friend asks you to help them move:

When you need someone to help you pick which selfie to Instagram:

When you need to let everyone know that it’s pay day:

When you finally let that acquaintance who always flakes on you have it:

When you’re almost ready:

When you’re on your way:

When your friend is like “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping“:

When you need to let someone know you don’t give a…:

When your crush texts and you’re trying to keep it cool:

When your friend asks you to go to karaoke:

When complaining about how you have nothing to eat at home and hate grocery shopping:

When your friend says they’ll bring you food:

When someone doesn’t text you back:

When you find out there’s a Broad City keyboard app:

Okay, you get the idea. Now get to texting! All your friends are going to wait by the phone for your messages now…or ignore you cause you inspired them to rewatch the show from the beginning. Either way, the world is a better place with this keyboard in it. Download the app now!

Have you had a taste of Cookie yet? If the answer is yes, then you know the gleeful delight that is Empire. If not, you’re missing out on one of the most entertaining and groundbreaking hours of television.

For those that haven’t been watching, think of it as a hip-hop spin on Shakespeare’s King Lear and Winter’s Tale with a modern ethos. After being diagnosed with ALS, slick music mogul Lucious Lyon (Terrence Howard) must decide which of his three sons will take over his record company, Empire. Things become more complicated when his ex-wife, the delicious Cookie (Taraji P. Henson), is released from prison after 17 years for selling drugs that paid for the company’s start and is determined to “get what’s hers.” Plus, there’s a murder cover-up, a surprise baby, mental breakdowns, incessant backstabbing and surprise guest stars, not to mention the Timbaland-produced beats infused into every episode.

The hit Fox drama (or comedy or music video, depending on your view) is one of the fastest growing shows on network television, thanks to word of mouth from ardent fans and a little help from “Black Twitter” that helps turn hashtags like #YasssJamal into trending topics on social media. Although there is rightful criticism of the show, Empire has shown that, when given the chance, a minority-led cast can make it in the big leagues. Tonight, Empire wraps up its first season and the episode is sure to include shock upon shock. But is that a good thing?

Cliffhangers used to be left for season finales or the occasional mid-season break. Now, major plot changes occur before the end of the first commercial break. And it works. According to NPR, Empire’s success is a result of giving the people what they want and daring to buck industry traditions. For instance, TV execs have long catered to a young, white male audience, despite statistics showing that black people—particularly women—watch more television than any other group. Empire has proven (again) that white people aren’t scared off by female or minority-led casts as long as the show offers an engaging storyline.

Many of the beneficiaries of twist-and-turn storytelling (think Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder) follow in the footsteps of the dearly departed soap opera. It’s common to hear programs like Empire called soapy or compared to old favorites like Dynasty. Before their demise, soap operas pioneered the dramatic hooks that left viewers (mostly female) clamoring for the next day’s episode. The high stakes drama and over-the-top characters with tangled narratives helped soaps stay on air for 20+ years and gave them the ability to pull 30 million viewers for a single episode at their peak (a number only seen during annual event television like the Oscars these days). But that success did not last.

Empire runs the risk of falling into the same problems that its soapy predecessors succumbed to. While the OMG moments that have made Empire so popular get people talking, it can be exhausting. With the need for game changing story lines every 15 minutes, there’s nothing holding writers back from unleashing their most fantastical ideas. This is how shows like General Hospital and Days of Our Lives managed to attract viewers and ultimately lost them when the stories became too repetitive or outlandish to believe (which is saying a lot for a soap).

Trends by nature are temporal. Maybe Empire will evolve away from all the shock value in time. Or maybe it’ll follow in the footsteps of the soap operas. The only sure thing is that, for now, Empire is doing what it must to entertain us. And we’re eating it up.

On September 11, 2001, a hole was torn in the fiction of eternal American promise, in the belief that, as a society, we’ve committed no sins. We’ve had 14 years to think about the reasons why it happened, to think about what happened after, and to ask ourselves hard questions without neat answers. The most challenging and best realized television shows of that first decade after 9/11 struggled to talk about what we couldn’t yet grasp. The  story told by three of those series—Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood, and The Wire—can be seen as a triptych response to a catastrophic event like 9/11.

The reboot of Battlestar Galactica first aired as a miniseries on SyFy (at the time just called plain ol’ Sci-Fi) in 2003, and it debuted as a regular series in October 2004.

(Standard operating procedure: spoilers exist herein for beloved shows that are 10+ years old, and they will be referenced casually. If you haven’t watched Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood or The Wire, and you want to remain as pure as a South Dakota snowfall, look away now. Al Swearengen raises his glass to you. Everything after that is spoiler-laden.)

BSG is mostly set on a spaceship, which is what kept my dad from watching it right away. It opens with an attack on human colonial settlements, though it takes some time to parse what they’re colonies of. Evil robots—built by the colonists, treated like slaves—have risen up and massacred their former masters. Cities are bombed, battlestars are destroyed, and the human survivors are faced with a life of perpetual war against an enemy that hates everything they are and everything they have done.

Last year, BSG’s executive producer Ronald D. Moore spoke at the Hero Complex Film Festival in Los Angeles about watching the original series pilot in the months after 9/11 and re-imagining it for a 21^st century audience:

“I just realized, immediately, that if you did that show in that moment in time, the audience could not help but bring their experience with them. And if you did a show, you had an opportunity and a responsibility to talk about what we were going through as a culture and what was going on in the world… and to ask hard questions and not really deliver neat answers every week.

I always thought there was a kind of egotism to the idea that a show of television could [say] ‘Well, here’s how Al-Qaeda could be dealt with, and here’s the answer to Iraq, and here’s the answer to terrorism.’ It was important to me that the show just asked you questions and challenged your assumptions, and if you came out of the end of that experience with your beliefs confirmed, fine. And if you came out the other side with your beliefs challenged, that was great too. I just wanted you to think for 45 minutes.”

9/11 was so awful, so unexpected, yet understandable in retrospect. The only equitable response was to raise the questions of why it happened, how it happened, and what we do now. Battlestar Galactica, from 2003 until 2009, explored the immediate aftermath of trauma, grief, and who we choose to be and who we turn to when we fall down. It looks like it’s about robots, war, and revenge, but ultimately it’s about the cost of inhumanity, war, and revenge. It posits, over and over again, that there’s no finish line to war. The mission is never accomplished.

You fight and you run, and then you keep fighting, you keep running.

The only way out is to forgive.

There’s another full season after this moment with Gaius Baltar, the series’ traitor to end all traitors, but BSG essentially ends with forgiveness. But the ending everyone is cranky about is the one where the colonists, the robots, and the folks who are somewhere in between, settle on Earth. They scatter, throw away their old tools and rules, and get to work building a new community.

Deadwood aired on HBO from 2004 to 2006 over the course of three brief seasons. It started after BSG and finished before it, but you can see it as a spiritual sequel. Deadwood is about going further than the map allows, having brought with you everything you know you are and don’t know you are, and recreating society. The good things, the bad things, the things you tried to leave behind.

In Deadwood: Stories of the Black Hills, show creator David Milch says he originally pitched a series about cops in Ancient Rome working under the mad emperor Nero, “intstrument(s) of order, in a world that could invoke no ordering principle besides, ‘Do what an insane person tells you to.’” HBO turned that pitch down because they’d already greenlit another series set in that period. But Milch, best known for his work on Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue, wasn’t ready to return to the modern day.

“The human heart yearns to be lifted up,” he wrote. “What lifts us up with less excess weight and baggage better than anything else is a story about our brothers and sisters. But it’s disingenuous not to recognize that certain moments in history make it hard to acknowledge all our familial connections. It was for something like that reason, in the aftermath of the events of September 11, I didn’t want to do a story with a contemporary setting.”

Like BSG, Deadwood looks like a genre show—a Western—but it functions as a parable for rebuilding after a great trauma. Deadwood’s inhabitants are survivors of a catastrophe. In this case, the catastrophe is the first century of America and the Civil War, but there are also catastrophes of the heart. The gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok has been driven from civilization for gambling debts, vagrancy, and a propensity for violence. Seth Bullock has walked away from his responsibilities as a lawman to make money, but quickly finds himself enforcing the law in a town with no laws. Alma Garret married into money, lost her husband, gained his money, and stayed to build up a new land instead of returning to the old one.

They have all fled their old lives, often their old families, and vowed to start anew. But they quickly find the best versions of themselves by establishing new familial connections. They are often family fighting against one another, but they always come back together. They forgive trespasses, they commit themselves to kindness and selflessness and what is best for the larger society.

Eulogizing Wild Bill in season one, Reverend Smith paraphrases St. Paul and Corinthians: “For the body is not one member, but many. He tells us, the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee. Nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of thee. Nay, much more those members of the body which seem to be more feeble, and those members of the body which we think of as less honorable, all are necessary. He says that there should be no schism in the body but that the members should have the same care, one to another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it.”

We remain connected, even when we say we are separate. Even if we’ve left a larger world, we bring our inner worlds with us. When outsiders come to a new world, there is going to be natural tension and aggression and even violence. But like has happened before, they will eventually be subsumed into the order.

How does that body grow? When a community has come together, whether from the ashes of catastrophe or not, is it doomed to fall apart again? Does it rot from the inside out?

The Wire ran on HBO from 2002 to 2008, and again it looked like a genre show. It came wrapped up as a police procedural, but in reality it brings us closer to the catastrophe again. This is the community grown rotten, or maybe just so large that the hand no longer realizes it is the same organism as the eye.

The general assessment of The Wire is that it’s about American institutions and how they fail individuals. Over the course of its first season, The Wire reveals itself to be more than a cop show. It’s about rules. It’s about the changing landscape of law enforcement and the social contract.

But if it’s not overt for the first four seasons, by the time the fifth and final season arrived—airing in 2008, before the election of Barack Obama—it was clear this was a show that was pessimistic about organizations, those who lead them, and the compromises those leaders make. One of the major storylines of season five has Detectives McNulty and Freamon, formerly proud spires of doing what’s right, no matter the cost, inventing a serial killer and feeding information on said killer to the press in order to gain funding to continue actual police work, including the continuing case against Marlo Stanfield and his drug dealing operation.

Now, I can’t say with certainty that the rationale for the 2004 invasion of Iraq and the subsequent nearly 9-year Iraq War was based on information the leaders of the United States of America knew to be false. It’s true that no weapons of mass destruction were found, in spite of Colin Powell’s United Nations presentation.

The first episode of season five begins with the epitaph, The bigger the lie the more they believe. It’s easy to see this entire season as exploring the question of, is it ever okay to lie for the greater good? If so, who gets to decide what the greater good really is?

After watching five seasons of The Wire, it can be hard to remember that Baltimore is a real American city in the 21^st century. Detroit has never had a comparable fictional examination, but it also continues to be a real American city in decline, perhaps on the edge of catastrophe. The Nation called Camden, New Jersey, the “City of Ruins.” David Simon, the creator and executive producer of The Wire wrote in the Guardian in 2013 that there are “two Americas,” and that capitalism “has achieved its dominance without regard to a social compact, without being connected to any other metric for human progress.”

The eye has said to the hand, I have no need of thee.

In the landscape of post-9/11 television, The Wire is the story of the pre-apocalypse, the story before we go back to the beginning, where our sins—subjugated robots, a war fought for slavery, unchecked capitalism—return to haunt us.

If you had access to a television between 1991 and 1994, chances are Clarissa Explains It All shaped your ideas of what ‘cool’ was. From style (headbands, polka dot leggings, mismatched layers) to uses for your bedroom window (no need to sneak out when a babe with a ladder can sneak in!), Clarissa was the cool older sister who taught us how to live.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this early promo:

Now that we’re all caught up, here’s the news! 21 years after the last episode aired, Clarissa is getting a sequel in book form called Things I Can’t Explain! Because no one cares about math, the novel will follow 28-year-old Clarissa as she navigates adult problems she can’t explain!

Entertainment Weekly sat down with series creator Mitchell Kriegman, who teased that Sam (*fans self*) will be in the book: “I’ve been interested for a long time in what Sam was thinking all those years and I think we’ll finally get a deeper sense of that.” Ferg-breath will also be part of the storyline.

We have to wait until November to read all about what Clarissa is up to these days. Until then, might as well watch the spinoff pilot for Clarissa Now, which follows Clarissa as she moves to New York City:

Or listen to this 1994 Clarissa and the Straightjackets album:

And this post wouldn’t be complete without the theme song:

Clarissa, out!

The rumors were true. Today, PBS announced that the next season of Downton Abbey will be its last. We’re accustomed to freaking out every time a show we loved at some point is cancelled, but ending Downton is the right thing to do.

This past season had its moments — Edith’s accidental act of arson, Mary’s sex positive ways, everything Maggie Smith did or said — but, as a whole, it felt like a trudge and the show’s quality was nowhere near what it once was when Sybil was alive and well, showing off her harem pants.. With nothing to lose, Season 6 is a chance to return the show to its former glory. Here are some humble suggestions on what should happen to the characters we have grown to love (and the ones we just put up with):

You might think this show is all about Mary, but you’re wrong. The true star is Edith, patron saint of all misunderstood middle children. I see Edith moving to Germany during the lead up to World War II and infiltrating the Nazi party so that she may exact revenge on whoever killed Michael a.k.a. that dude who knocked her up, didn’t marry her, and promptly vanished. Edith decides to prove everyone wrong and change the course of history by assassinating Hitler. She inevitably screws it up because she’s Edith and is put into a witness protection program under the pseudonym Jan Brady.

Speaking of tragic figures, poor Thomas has been pigeon-holed as the evil, miserable gay trope for the past five seasons. I see Thomas taking his spoon and drugs and moving to the big city, where he meets Virginia Woolf, while walking around Bloomsbury. She helps him get clean and begs to set him up on a blind date! “It’s not just because you’re both gay!” she promises. He relents and his blind date is no other than E.M. Forster, famed writer and fellow wistful closet case. Thomas’ emo-ness cancels out Forster’s emo-ness and they live happily ever after.

For once in her life, Mary doesn’t get what she wants. She dies from shock.

The Dowager Countess gets a very late acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She is outraged by the faux pas, but eventually enrolls. She is sorted into all the houses ’cause she’s got it like that. While studying for her Transfiguration exam, she accidentally ends up Benjamin Button-ing herself. She begins to age backwards and, decades later, goes by her nickname Hermione so that no one asks questions about why she knows how to correctly pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. She doesn’t end up with Ron.

Cora Crawley realizes her marriage sucks and has a meltdown on her bathroom floor before getting a divorce. She rebounds with that art dealer who likes her opinions. That doesn’t end well, inspiring her to move to Italy to eat pasta and not have sex, then over to India for a yoga teacher training, and finally ending up in Bali where she gets her groove back. She writes all about the experience, but is too humble to show it to anyone. Her great granddaughter, Elizabeth Gilbert, inherits the manuscript and puts her name on it.

Branson moves to America and starts a labor union and a soup kitchen and other neat stuff. He gives a really awesome speech at the DNC and becomes a frontrunner for the presidency. Opponents demand to see his birth certificate. He’s like, you know what, this isn’t worth it. His hair never turns grey.

Daisy inherits her dead husband’s farm and fills it with all kinds of math books. She studies her ass off and ends up helping Alan Turing crack Nazi codes, which is later documented in a film called The Imitation Game. Her scenes are unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because patriarchy.

Patmore and Hughes experience a challenging second Saturn return and take to the road. They kill a rapist in a parking lot and rob some stores and put a cop in his own trunk. With the law hot on their trail, they drive their convertible off a cliff and parachute into a hidden valley where they start a super cool women’s collective.

Anna realizes Bates is kind of creepy and dumps him. She parlays her changing-other-people’s-clothes-for-them skills into a career as the person who helps pop stars get into their next costume between songs. She eventually inspires Madonna’s fake British accent.

After he squanders his fortune because he’s terrible at everything, Lord Grantham finds himself alone. Years of ignoring/being rude to the women in his life apparently wasn’t a great life strategy. The only one who stands by his side is Isis, the dog (I refuse to believe that Isis is actually dead). Grantham runs out of dog treats one day and Isis eats him.

The End!

How do you hope things end at Downton? Leave it in the comments! 

[Editor’s Note: A version of this piece was posted on January 29, 2015, when rumors first started that the next season might be the show’s last.]